No Right Answers
Is a platonic relationship even posible? i mean we all say that we have them, but can it really last? Or does it just cause even more problems and confusion down the road?
I ask this because I am starting to belive that it is not posible to have one. I have this friend "Mel" I have wrote about her before. WE have been friends for a while. And she is a great girl, we always have a great time together, and I love her like a sister. But that is where it ends. I am not, or ever have been atracted to her. And that was fine for a long time. I thought that yes, this is a great platonic relationship, we are friends and that is how it will stay.
Until a few months ago.
I found out that she really likes me, and does want a deeper relationship. She wants a future. And that is where this get's tricky. A couple of months ago I mused about weather I should just go for it. I know I am not attracted to her romanticaly, but I was wondering if it would even matter anyways. It is a logical choice, we do get along perfectly well, we like the same things, hell we finish each others sentances. Maybe it would be a good thing. But it would also not be fair to her or to me. SO I let the matter drop.
Now I'm starting to think about it again. It is burrning in the back of my head. The last few days I have been avoiding her because I don't want to face the question. I know one of these days she will ask it. What will happen then. If I say no, will we still stay friends? Chances are that we will drift apart, something I don't want. If I say yes, would it be a lie? I don't want to hert her. What is scary is that I am starting to rationalize what if we did get together. But I don't know if that is what I really feel or not. I really don't know what to do.
I ask this because I am starting to belive that it is not posible to have one. I have this friend "Mel" I have wrote about her before. WE have been friends for a while. And she is a great girl, we always have a great time together, and I love her like a sister. But that is where it ends. I am not, or ever have been atracted to her. And that was fine for a long time. I thought that yes, this is a great platonic relationship, we are friends and that is how it will stay.
Until a few months ago.
I found out that she really likes me, and does want a deeper relationship. She wants a future. And that is where this get's tricky. A couple of months ago I mused about weather I should just go for it. I know I am not attracted to her romanticaly, but I was wondering if it would even matter anyways. It is a logical choice, we do get along perfectly well, we like the same things, hell we finish each others sentances. Maybe it would be a good thing. But it would also not be fair to her or to me. SO I let the matter drop.
Now I'm starting to think about it again. It is burrning in the back of my head. The last few days I have been avoiding her because I don't want to face the question. I know one of these days she will ask it. What will happen then. If I say no, will we still stay friends? Chances are that we will drift apart, something I don't want. If I say yes, would it be a lie? I don't want to hert her. What is scary is that I am starting to rationalize what if we did get together. But I don't know if that is what I really feel or not. I really don't know what to do.
posted by The Cube at 7:32 PM
4 Comments:
The Cube,
I think lasting platonic friendships are very, very rare, and they are ONLY possible when both of you want the same things.
I think that it is so common for females to develop romantic feelings for a man they are friends with after a period of time because females are emotional creatures. They go about friendship in the same way they go about romance, even without be conscious of that, and if you are finishing each other's sentences, well--that is just the kind of emotional connection a woman craves, and romantic feelings can develop. She could have even started off completely not interested--but if she finds herself emotionally attracted, then she is attracted. Men, as I understand it, know from the start whether there is potential for romance or not based soley on the level of physical attraction they feel towards a woman. They can maintain platonic female friendships--even very close ones--very easily without complications if there is no physical attraction.
Okay--now I feel like I am just going into stuff you probably already know.
But, I will say that they way I see it, there is no other thing to do but be true to yourself here. And, frankly, Mel deserves your honesty. Every woman wants to feel desired by the man she loves--if you do not feel that way--you will only hurt her more in the long run.
How's that for advice coming from a complete stanger :)
If you are having doubts now before anything has happened I would say that they are red flags. It sounds to me like you are having to convince yourself, and what happens if some one else comes along who you are romantically attracted to? I agree with you it is not fair to "Mel" or to yourself, my friend.
of course i must play devil's advocate here. =o)
I believe it doesn't matter much how attracted you are in the beginning. It's not going to make much difference when it comes to maintaining a long term relationship. I feel that it is pretty important that you get along & think alike. Romance is wonderful but overrated.
Don't get me wrong, I'm a romantic through & through. It doesn't make a relationship last, though. And it can be disturbingly flighty.
I'd say, go for it with Mel. Give it a try. True love is constantly developing & changing a relationship.
Do be honest with her. If she really likes you she may be willing to give it a try even if she knows you're not as emotionally attached as she is.
And if she does want to try I'd say, treat her like you're completely in love with her & I wouldn't be surprised if you do fall in love!
Alis
married 8 yrs, through the worst & the best
You raise good questions. I know this because they are questions I've asked myself about a million times. Through the years, I've been on both sides of this equation and each side sucks just about an equal amount.
There is such a strange responsibility that comes when you know one of your best friends has feelings for you that go far beyond your feelings for them. Personally, I really struggled with the knowledge. It made me feel incredibly guilty....as if I was purposefully being hurtful. I constantly wondered if I was messing up both of our lives....if I was just missing something hugely obvious. If he could see it and feel it, why couldn't I? Is the "spark" THAT important? When it comes right down to it, basing a major life decision on something as impossible to explain as the "spark" seemed just ridiculous. And it caused no small amount of angst.
But honestly? I don't regret the decision I made. In the end, he deserved someone who felt for him they way he felt for me. He's found her now, and my sense of relief is immense. And I might still be waiting to find that spark for myself, but I'd rather have the possibility of the unknown than a definite knowledge of what it feels like to settle.
That's just me. I feel your pain, I really do. It's infuriating to not know your own heart and to worry that you are talking yourself into the wrong decision. There really are no easy answers.
To answer your initial question: is there such a thing as platonic relationships? I used to think so. These days, I sincerely doubt it.
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