What if?

I chatted with “V” last night online. I use just the initial “V” for privacy, but I think we all know who she is. I haven’t talked to her in ages, to be precise it was about 6 months after she got married, and even then we barely spoke since she got engaged. At any rate it was great to catch up. But it got me thinking about what could have been, and if I was lucky to have dodged a bullet, or if I just missed out. The fact of the matter is that I did have a crush on her, and at one point I think it was mutual, although I have only really dated 2 girls. But perhaps I should start at the beginning.

V is from England and is the cousin of a friend of mine. A few years ago she came to visit her family here. 2 days after she arrived my friend introduced us. We hit it off right at the start. By that I mean we quickly became friends. I was under no illusions that anything would come out of it, she was only here for a few weeks. Still there was a connection that is hard to describe. The first night we talked for hours. We saw each other almost every day she was here, except for the 2 days she went to Ottawa. I even took several days off work to hang out with her, you know go to Wonderland, Niagara Falls, the CNE, etc…. Maybe it was because she didn’t know anyone here except family, and I took the time to hang with her. Maybe it was because we shared similar circumstances in life. Maybe the charm that people say I sometimes have came out in full force, I don’t know, but we did have a great time together and we became very close in the 4 weeks she was here.

When she went back home we still kept in touch. We would e-mail each other 2 or 3 times a week. Every once and a while I would even call her. Of course all I thought was that we were just friends, good friends but friends nonetheless. Until I got her letter. It was an actual handwritten letter by her. I won’t publish the whole contents but suffice to say it was a deep letter. We had spoken about deep personal matters before but this was something else. She was literally pouring out her soul. It was then that I started to think of her differently, not as just a friend but as someone that I could see having a future with. Of course I didn’t tell her, but I did open up more, and hinted that I did want more. I even spoke to her cousin, about what she thought. That was a bit of a downer. She said that it would be a great idea, and that we would be a great couple, but that it would never work out. V has her ideal, and I didn’t fit it. Even though she would get close, she’ll only marry a man of the right age, job, attitude. Although we were great friends, in V’s eyes that is all we will ever be. Well I thought that was just bull. I was wrong.

V came back to visit a year after her first time. I was excited, and for good reason. A few weeks before she came, I emailed her and said that I liked her and that I wanted to see where things would lead. From her responses I thought that she reciprocated. Yet when she came, it was very awkward between us. That closeness that we had was gone. Maybe I messed it up again. Just before she went back home I asked if we could talk. I wanted to know what happened, why things went down hill. She told me that yes, she did like me, but we would never work out. At first she gave excuses like the fact that we lived far apart, or that there was this age gap between us (she was almost 2 years older than me) I told her that that was just crap and she knew it. Ultimately she admitted that it was because she didn’t think we were right for each other and that was it. She did still want to remain friends. I said sure, what else could I have said.

When she went back I tried to keep things the way they were before, and for a time it was. We still talked, it was like before she came to visit that second, disastrous time. But I was a little pissed off, and I guess she noted that. We started to drift away. We emailed each other less frequently. In fact she stopped emailing me personally, I would receive a bulk letter of what was going on that she sent to all her friends and family. That was how I found out about her engagement, and wedding. In time even those letters stopped.

She ended up marrying her “ideal” guy. Weather for good or for ill is yet to be seen. But I do wish her happiness. And I told her that last night when we talked. The issue I have is that I will always wonder “what if?” Its not that I was completely in love with her and what not, it’s that I wasn’t what she wanted, and even though she did like me, because I didn’t fit that mold we had no future. It is a huge hit to ones self esteem. Maybe that has contributed to my lack of confidence and trust in women today. Why do things have to end like that? A slow decent into nothingness?