The Sum of All Fears

It is not a topic that any guy likes to talk about. We try to bury it, never let it show, but it is always there, always haunting us. Fear always clouds the mind. I try to brush it off as nothing, but I am not fearless, none of us are. I have my fears as you have yours, and they all are very personal, and truely terifying, even though they may not be so scary to others. Even though I try to avoid it, the fear is there. Look how I ramble on. I've decided that to talk about my fears would be theripudic, but even now I shy away from wording them. I guess it is because by opening up, I, we all, become vulnerable. Our defences are paper thin to begin with, this talk of fear tears a hole in them. But I can't run from them, and hopefully by confronting them I can deal with them better.

Sometimes when people ask what I am afraid of, after I tell them nothing, I usualy tell them that I don't like spiders. And this is true. I don't like spiders, they creep me out, but I am not deathly afraid of them. When I see one I usualy get spooked for a second or two, then I collect myself and kill it. Thats how much I hate them. But I am not talking about that. I never tell my real fears to anyone. Untill now. There are 2 things that truely scare me, and they are both related. I am scared that I will end up alone, and I am scared that I will be forgotten. Seamingly inocculous, but they terrify me.

For as long as I can remember I wanted to have a family. It is a natural thing for anyone, to want to get married, have kids, have a normal life. But it seams that everytime I get close to a girl, something happens, usualy me, to mess it up. Lately, as I get older, I wonder if I will ever get married. How much longer do I have before I am long past my prime? I have seen older men, eternal bachlors, and I am scarred of becoming one of them. I am in no way a player, I want a steady relationship, one that will last, so the idea of being single, dating people casualy with no intent does not appeal to me. But that is not the point. The fear of ending up alone goes beyond just not finding a girl. I don't want to be alone period. But lately I have been. My friends are all moving on in their lives, and I am the one left behind. They have their lives now that they are maried, have kids, or are developing new friends. I don't fit in to their mold, and as such am left behind. I find it hard to make new friends. Not because I am shy, I am rather outgoing when I am out, but its getting out that is the hard part. I try hard to befriend people, but it is a 2 way street, people have to be friends back. So it is that I have few friends, and family that I hang out with. I am scarred that in time they too will leave and I will be left all alone. To die alone.

This is linked to my other fear, being forgotten. There is a song from Blink 182, called Adam's Song, one line the guy is talking about him dying and he says, "in another 6 months I'll be unknown." That scares me, because I can see it happining to me, and not just after I am dead, but now. If I do end up alone, who will remember me? Right now people forget about me, or treat me like I am invisable. It is only a matter of time before I become invisable to them. That is one reason why I do such crazy things, I want to be remembered, if not as a person, as someone who did things, even if they get me in trouble. If you can't be famous, it is better to be infamous than nothing at all.

The question is what can I do to slay these fears? I don't want to live with them, and I definatly don't want them to come to fruition. I guess the fears will always be there, I just hope I can prevent them from becoming reality.