Not Just The Lack Of Sleep
God am I tired! Well not just tired, but compleatly exhausted. It seams like all my energy is slowly sapping away and I don't have a logical explanation for it. I have always had a difficult time getting to sleep, but that is not what is causing this lethargic state.
It used to be that I wouldn't get sleep because of the things I did. Night was when I came to life. Maybe because I tried to hide what I did from everyone else, maybe it was just the things I did, but I was always out at night. Parties, raves, clubs, even just hanging out with everyone, we would go out all night. In the dark we lived. Yes I was always tired the next day but it was ok, it was worth it.
In time that started to change, the changes I made in my life nessitated me to quit going to all those wild all nighters. I had thought I had matured. Instead it was evenings out with a few friends, or a girl. Then because of the person I am, I'd spend all night awake thinking about what happened. I always over think everything. That lack of sleep causes a lot of stess, but I am able to handle it.
Now it is diferent. There is no nights out partying. The evenings have grown fewer and father in between. I still spend nights thinking about what is going on in my life, about why I feel this weight pulling me down. The fact that I can't make it to the surface terifies me, and the thought of drowning in my own lonelyness keeps me up at night.
Even the nights when I do fall asleep are no comfort. It is a restless sleep, with tortured dreams. I wake up in the morning totaly exhausted, instead of fresh. There is no energy left. I struggle even to get up, my legs feel all sore and wobbley, like I have been running all night. That is the tiredness that haunts me. I am running on fumes, the low fuel light has been on for months, and I don't know how long I can keep going. I need to do something that will refresh me. In the early days, even though I stayed up all night, I was charged up. Now I am empty. It is this life, this monotonus dredgery, the sapping lonlyness, the grind of my minds depressing thoughts that is draining me. I need to get away, just a little vaccation where I can get away from this. I know this life will be here waiting, but I need to get away even if for a few hours. What is more I need to find a way to ditch it forever. Maybe then I can get some rest.
It used to be that I wouldn't get sleep because of the things I did. Night was when I came to life. Maybe because I tried to hide what I did from everyone else, maybe it was just the things I did, but I was always out at night. Parties, raves, clubs, even just hanging out with everyone, we would go out all night. In the dark we lived. Yes I was always tired the next day but it was ok, it was worth it.
In time that started to change, the changes I made in my life nessitated me to quit going to all those wild all nighters. I had thought I had matured. Instead it was evenings out with a few friends, or a girl. Then because of the person I am, I'd spend all night awake thinking about what happened. I always over think everything. That lack of sleep causes a lot of stess, but I am able to handle it.
Now it is diferent. There is no nights out partying. The evenings have grown fewer and father in between. I still spend nights thinking about what is going on in my life, about why I feel this weight pulling me down. The fact that I can't make it to the surface terifies me, and the thought of drowning in my own lonelyness keeps me up at night.
Even the nights when I do fall asleep are no comfort. It is a restless sleep, with tortured dreams. I wake up in the morning totaly exhausted, instead of fresh. There is no energy left. I struggle even to get up, my legs feel all sore and wobbley, like I have been running all night. That is the tiredness that haunts me. I am running on fumes, the low fuel light has been on for months, and I don't know how long I can keep going. I need to do something that will refresh me. In the early days, even though I stayed up all night, I was charged up. Now I am empty. It is this life, this monotonus dredgery, the sapping lonlyness, the grind of my minds depressing thoughts that is draining me. I need to get away, just a little vaccation where I can get away from this. I know this life will be here waiting, but I need to get away even if for a few hours. What is more I need to find a way to ditch it forever. Maybe then I can get some rest.
posted by The Cube at 7:37 PM
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