Wondering Why
I've been thinking about "K" a lot lately. Sorry that is a lie, I've never really stopped thinking about her. She consumes my thoughts. I know that we are over, and if the opportunity ever came up, I would never date her again. Not after what we had together, not after she tore out my heart and used it as a hacky sack. I thought she was the one, but I got too far in and was burnt in the process. Yet despite all of this, she is still in my head. I couldn't figure out why I haven't completely moved on, until now. She owes me a conversation. I need to know why she did what she did, and I need her to tell it to me. Only then can I excise her from my mind, and be over it. But I get too far a head of myself.
K moved in to my area, literally a stones throw from my house. But it wasn't until she walked in to that hall that I met her. She was invited there by other people, I was standing by the front entrance when she came in, late as always. She asked me if there was a phone because her cell battery just died and she needed to make a call. I showed her where it was. It was then that I fell for her. She looked so beautiful, so innocent. Later that night we were formally introduced, and we hit it off right away. We talked, we laughed, we danced, it was a great night. Because she was new to the area, I offered to show her around. And so it began. We hung out a lot, almost every day, either we went out with friends, or we hung out watching movies or chatting at either my place or hers. It was good.
This was a time in my life, however, that I was making a lot of changes. It was a hard time, trying to let go of my past and become a better person. Because of this I didn't want to rush into a relationship, even though I was sure I wanted one with K. I wanted to take things slow. I needed to start fixing up my life. Besides, I am of the opinion that a good relationship stems from being good friends. If it was just lust I was after I would barge right in, but I wanted this to mean something, I wanted K and me to have something deeper. And so for the first bit at least K and I were just friends. That didn't mean that people didn't figure out something was going on between us two. Every one knew I liked her, and they could see that she liked me. The signs were all there. For example, she went to New York with one of her friends, and while she was there we called each other 15 times, and sent about 20 text messages, in 3 days! I don't know but that seams like a lot. At any rate, people knew, and they would ask if we were an item. When we said that we were just friends, they wouldn't believe it, and thought we were just being coy.
So it was that we talked about it. Actually she was the one who broached the subject. One day we were out at a coffee shop, and she said, "You know a lot of people a saying that we are dating." I asked, "would that be such a bad thing?" And that was how it started. I guess you can say it was a normal relationship. Nothing really changed for us, except the fact that we were now b/f and g/f. Well that is not entirely true, now that we were a couple, we had little alone time together. Now every time we went out was with other people, usually other couples, or sometimes a few of her friends, I'll get into that in a bit. The only times we were really alone was when I would sneak over to her place, and go out for a walk, or the times when she had to work nights, and I drove her. In fact those were the best times because it was a chance for us to talk, to be honest it was also the scene of our first kiss, it was nothing spectacular, I pulled up to her work, and as we said bye I leaned over and kissed her, like we had done it a million times. It wasn't until I was half way home that I realized it was our first kiss. I waited by her apartment all night and when she came back home in the morning I was there to greet her, and we made sure our second kiss was done right.
But like they say all steel will rust, so all things will eventually descend till its end. The same was true of K and me. I briefly mentioned about K's friends, and it is time that their roll in this tragedy be brought forth, actually it wasn't all her friends but "JD" and especially her brother "A". I always knew that K was close to JD and her brother. But it was near the end that I noticed that they were spending a lot of time with us, especially "A". In hindsight it wasn't so much JD that was it but A always started it. The breaking point was the night at the pub. I had made plans to go to the pub with K, this great indie band that we both liked was playing. About an hour before we were to go, K called me and asked if it was ok if JD and A came too. I had wanted it just to be the 2 of us, but I said ok, against my better judgment. Then she said that we needed to pick them up. So we went to their place, and A came out, and said that JD was not feeling well and only he was coming. Needless to say the whole night was awkward, for me at least. That's when the decline happened.
After that night K spent a lot more time with A and JD, and there was a distance between us. It got to the point that I asked her what was happening. Was there something wrong? That's was when the bombshell hit. Right out of left field she said that she sees us more as just friends. Just friends?!?!?!? After that night in august I find that hard to believe. Anyways I took it hard, I was angry, not at her, but at the whole situation, I was disappointed in K, I couldn't believe that she would do that, and I needed space, so I avoided her for a while. A few months later she moved back in with her parents. Her last night here some of our friends went out and invited me to go along. I barely spoke to K that night, and I haven't spoken to her since, even though I still keep in contact with her sister. It was through her that I found out that K and A dated for a few months, but that ended as well.
Now that a few months have gone by, that anger about what happened has faded. I realize that I am still holding on to what happened, and I need to move on. But I made a mistake back then in not finding out why it happened. I was too angry to even talk that I just let it go. Now I want to move on, but before I do I need to close this chapter. I need to know why. She owes me that explanation. I am going to have to call her, or failing that just meet her somewhere and just hash this out. It's the only way to move on. And if I don't get the answer I'll always wonder, and it is not worth it.
K moved in to my area, literally a stones throw from my house. But it wasn't until she walked in to that hall that I met her. She was invited there by other people, I was standing by the front entrance when she came in, late as always. She asked me if there was a phone because her cell battery just died and she needed to make a call. I showed her where it was. It was then that I fell for her. She looked so beautiful, so innocent. Later that night we were formally introduced, and we hit it off right away. We talked, we laughed, we danced, it was a great night. Because she was new to the area, I offered to show her around. And so it began. We hung out a lot, almost every day, either we went out with friends, or we hung out watching movies or chatting at either my place or hers. It was good.
This was a time in my life, however, that I was making a lot of changes. It was a hard time, trying to let go of my past and become a better person. Because of this I didn't want to rush into a relationship, even though I was sure I wanted one with K. I wanted to take things slow. I needed to start fixing up my life. Besides, I am of the opinion that a good relationship stems from being good friends. If it was just lust I was after I would barge right in, but I wanted this to mean something, I wanted K and me to have something deeper. And so for the first bit at least K and I were just friends. That didn't mean that people didn't figure out something was going on between us two. Every one knew I liked her, and they could see that she liked me. The signs were all there. For example, she went to New York with one of her friends, and while she was there we called each other 15 times, and sent about 20 text messages, in 3 days! I don't know but that seams like a lot. At any rate, people knew, and they would ask if we were an item. When we said that we were just friends, they wouldn't believe it, and thought we were just being coy.
So it was that we talked about it. Actually she was the one who broached the subject. One day we were out at a coffee shop, and she said, "You know a lot of people a saying that we are dating." I asked, "would that be such a bad thing?" And that was how it started. I guess you can say it was a normal relationship. Nothing really changed for us, except the fact that we were now b/f and g/f. Well that is not entirely true, now that we were a couple, we had little alone time together. Now every time we went out was with other people, usually other couples, or sometimes a few of her friends, I'll get into that in a bit. The only times we were really alone was when I would sneak over to her place, and go out for a walk, or the times when she had to work nights, and I drove her. In fact those were the best times because it was a chance for us to talk, to be honest it was also the scene of our first kiss, it was nothing spectacular, I pulled up to her work, and as we said bye I leaned over and kissed her, like we had done it a million times. It wasn't until I was half way home that I realized it was our first kiss. I waited by her apartment all night and when she came back home in the morning I was there to greet her, and we made sure our second kiss was done right.
But like they say all steel will rust, so all things will eventually descend till its end. The same was true of K and me. I briefly mentioned about K's friends, and it is time that their roll in this tragedy be brought forth, actually it wasn't all her friends but "JD" and especially her brother "A". I always knew that K was close to JD and her brother. But it was near the end that I noticed that they were spending a lot of time with us, especially "A". In hindsight it wasn't so much JD that was it but A always started it. The breaking point was the night at the pub. I had made plans to go to the pub with K, this great indie band that we both liked was playing. About an hour before we were to go, K called me and asked if it was ok if JD and A came too. I had wanted it just to be the 2 of us, but I said ok, against my better judgment. Then she said that we needed to pick them up. So we went to their place, and A came out, and said that JD was not feeling well and only he was coming. Needless to say the whole night was awkward, for me at least. That's when the decline happened.
After that night K spent a lot more time with A and JD, and there was a distance between us. It got to the point that I asked her what was happening. Was there something wrong? That's was when the bombshell hit. Right out of left field she said that she sees us more as just friends. Just friends?!?!?!? After that night in august I find that hard to believe. Anyways I took it hard, I was angry, not at her, but at the whole situation, I was disappointed in K, I couldn't believe that she would do that, and I needed space, so I avoided her for a while. A few months later she moved back in with her parents. Her last night here some of our friends went out and invited me to go along. I barely spoke to K that night, and I haven't spoken to her since, even though I still keep in contact with her sister. It was through her that I found out that K and A dated for a few months, but that ended as well.
Now that a few months have gone by, that anger about what happened has faded. I realize that I am still holding on to what happened, and I need to move on. But I made a mistake back then in not finding out why it happened. I was too angry to even talk that I just let it go. Now I want to move on, but before I do I need to close this chapter. I need to know why. She owes me that explanation. I am going to have to call her, or failing that just meet her somewhere and just hash this out. It's the only way to move on. And if I don't get the answer I'll always wonder, and it is not worth it.
posted by The Cube at 4:10 PM
1 Comments:
Just wanted to say I enjoyed reading your blog. Also, have you talked to K yet? I'm intrigued to know how the situation will resolve.
BTW, my dh is from Toronto. We live in the States now, but met in TO. Lots of memories from there, lots of drama. . . Reading your blog made me remember some of it.
Here's to the drama.
Alis
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