Hate Me
Why? Why I went through with it I don't understand. I kept telling my self that I need closure, I need to understand where it went wrong. Yet all along a small nagging voice kept saying, leave it alone, there can be no good that comes out of this. I should of listened because now I feel, well I don't know how I should feel. I just know I don't feel well.
I went to talk to K this weekend. I've been trying to set it up for weeks now. To be honest I've been trying to work myself up to setting it up. I said before that I wanted closure, I wanted to find out where it all fell apart. I already posted about what happened (Wondering Why), but why it happened I never knew. So last week I called her up, it was the first time I heard her voice since she moved back in with her parents. I said that I needed to talk to her, and if she would like to go for coffee, on the weekend. She agreed. Even then I had my doubts about going, I even had the opritunity to cancel litteraly a few minutes before I left to meet her, but I went.
It started off with a bunch of small talk, how are things, what have you been up too, etc, etc, etc.... But then I asked the question, what happened between us? I wasn't readdy for what she said. She said that she just didn't feel anything for me anymore. Not in the sense that she just didn't love me, but that there was nothing there at all. K said that it just happened that one day she realized that even though we were dating, she felt the same attatchment to me as if I was one of her casual friends. Basicaly, it was nice to see me, but if she didn;t it would have been no real loss.
I still can't for the life of me understand that. How does a person not feel anything? I asked her if it was something else, maybe I did something. But K said that it wasn't, it just happened, and even she couldn't explain it. I've known K very well and I can tell she wasn't lying. But I don't understand how it can be the truth. There had to be something there. Physical intamacy aside, we had what I thought was a deep relationship, we shared things that casualy friends don't share, there was a deeper bond.
After all that I had to leave, I just said it was nice seeing her again, and left. But it has been running through my mind over and over again. I didn't want us to end like that. I wanted there to be peace in my mind, some tangable thing that I can reason on. I wanted a definate reason, not some esoteric mindlessness. We shared so much I wanted something to be left behind. I would rather she had hated me, than feel nothing. At least if K hated me for something I did, it would be something. But now there is nothing. All that time, energy, emotion that we shared added up to nothing in her eyes. I don't get it, and I dont think I ever will.
Maybe she just moved beyond me, maybe she had her closure. But there is none for me. If there was, than I could get her out of my head. But now.......
I went to talk to K this weekend. I've been trying to set it up for weeks now. To be honest I've been trying to work myself up to setting it up. I said before that I wanted closure, I wanted to find out where it all fell apart. I already posted about what happened (Wondering Why), but why it happened I never knew. So last week I called her up, it was the first time I heard her voice since she moved back in with her parents. I said that I needed to talk to her, and if she would like to go for coffee, on the weekend. She agreed. Even then I had my doubts about going, I even had the opritunity to cancel litteraly a few minutes before I left to meet her, but I went.
It started off with a bunch of small talk, how are things, what have you been up too, etc, etc, etc.... But then I asked the question, what happened between us? I wasn't readdy for what she said. She said that she just didn't feel anything for me anymore. Not in the sense that she just didn't love me, but that there was nothing there at all. K said that it just happened that one day she realized that even though we were dating, she felt the same attatchment to me as if I was one of her casual friends. Basicaly, it was nice to see me, but if she didn;t it would have been no real loss.
I still can't for the life of me understand that. How does a person not feel anything? I asked her if it was something else, maybe I did something. But K said that it wasn't, it just happened, and even she couldn't explain it. I've known K very well and I can tell she wasn't lying. But I don't understand how it can be the truth. There had to be something there. Physical intamacy aside, we had what I thought was a deep relationship, we shared things that casualy friends don't share, there was a deeper bond.
After all that I had to leave, I just said it was nice seeing her again, and left. But it has been running through my mind over and over again. I didn't want us to end like that. I wanted there to be peace in my mind, some tangable thing that I can reason on. I wanted a definate reason, not some esoteric mindlessness. We shared so much I wanted something to be left behind. I would rather she had hated me, than feel nothing. At least if K hated me for something I did, it would be something. But now there is nothing. All that time, energy, emotion that we shared added up to nothing in her eyes. I don't get it, and I dont think I ever will.
Maybe she just moved beyond me, maybe she had her closure. But there is none for me. If there was, than I could get her out of my head. But now.......
posted by The Cube at 7:35 PM
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