Going Down Swinging

We are all supposed to have a gift. What it is, who knows? Maybe it is hidden away, wrapped up and collecting dust in some closet, a part of all the junk and baggage we have collected in our lives. A dust bin of dreams and potential. I guess we throw out a lot of things that we don't know the value of until it is long gone. The void left behind is the worse part. Buildings abandoned years before have an eerie, serene beauty, but in the end they all rot and collapse into a pile of rubble. It is that mound on which we stand, no longer useful, but we fight to protect it nevertheless. Not to save the pile, but for the honour of the memory of what it once was. And isn't that the point? The memories are worth fighting for because that is all we really have left. Memories and hope. Hope that the glory of things lost long ago can rise from the ashes. Those embers have long died out, but the fight gives us glory. It is a suicide mission to be sure, we can never win that fight, but still we try, and maybe that is the gift we all have, a chance to go out fighting.

A Black Day

August 23, is fast approaching, the day that Joe died. Joe was one of my best friends, no he was more than that, he was my brother. Of all the people I’ve known, of all of the ones I lost through the years, his is the one that hurts the most. Partialy because I share the blame in the cause of his death, but also because of the guilt I feel in that what I am now is what he wanted, and the only reason why I have this all is because he died.

We were in it together right from the start, come hell or high water we were going to stick together. In the beginning all was well. Then that night came. Joe went to go see his brother. To this day I don’t know entirely what went on with them, but whatever happened was enough to change Joe. I was at Heather’s place at the time, really the 2 of us were doing nothing, just watching a movie. Joe came over on his bike (an old Yamaha that we all joked about) He was terribly upset, and he said he wanted to talk. I could tell just by looking at him what he wanted. He wanted out, and he wanted me to go with him. But I wasn’t ready to leave it all yet, besides I was busy with Heather and I didn’t have time to talk. I told him things would look differently in the morning and that we would talk then. He drove off, it was the last time I saw him alive. Later that evening a car ran into his motorcycle on the highway, he lost control and hit a telephone pole which killed him.

If I had only stayed and talked to him, he would never had been on the road that night. For a long time I blaimed myself. I know now it wasn’t my fault, there was a lot of events leading up to it, but the fact remains, I was a part of that chain, perhaps even that last link. When I pieced it all together, I knew I too had to leave, all Joe wanted was a better life for him and for me, it’s sad that he never got a chance.

So now I will do what I do every year on that day. I’ll go to his grave, and pour out a bottle of his favorite scotch, and just sit there and think, praying for forgiveness. It’s not much, but I’ll do this every year until I join him on the other side.

Buying Myself Out From Debt

Is it possible to buy back your soul?

The last 6 months or so, I've involved myself in a lot of volunteer work. Mainly dealing with my church, renovating some, building homes for those less fortunate, things like that. I chose to do this because I had this unspoken urge to do so. I've never been one to give money to charity. I've always been bothered by the fact that the vast majority of money that people give goes to the administration rather than for the ones that truely need it. I figured that since I had a skilled trade, I would much rather give my time and effort to help others. It has brought me great joy to do it.

This last weekend we were doing a huge reno job, compleatly restoring a house for a poor family. I had a great time working there, and I met some really great people. But some one asked me why it is that I was doing this. I gave the prefunctory answer that I'm doing it to give back. However I begain to think about that more and more durring the day.

I have done a lot of really bad things in my life, things that I am definatly not proud of, things that I need to pay for. Could it be in my quest to expunge the demons of my past, I have delved in to charity to pay for the things I have done? The more I think about it the more I feel that that is the case. But the question now arises can I ever really cover the costs of my sins?

And So It Begins

Well, it is official. Mel and I are finally a couple. Now it is true that in the last couple of weeks we have taken steps forward in our relationship. We've broken the ice as to how we feel about each other. We've discussed the issue about "K" and realized that it doesn't change anything, and neither of us will let it stand in our way. We even had a several "real" dates. But although the last few weeks saw us dating, it wasn't till yesterday that we became a couple, at least in my mind. Last night was the first time I kissed her.



To me at least, that first kiss is the beginning of our relationship. There is so much one can tell by it, and that kiss confirmed in my mind that this is the right thing. When most people think of a first kiss, they envision fireworks, mad passion. Frankly that is what I was expecting, but it wasn't what happened. When I kissed her, there was no fireworks. Rather it was a feeling I never anticipated, it was comfortable, like these were the lips I should have been kissing my entire life. I knew then that we made the right choice, in fact I actually regret not doing it earlier on.



Despite that, we did talk about it earlier today. Given our unique situation, I figured that we need to take things slow for the next little bit. I'm glad that we discussed this early on, because it is something that will come up sooner or later. We decided that this is about as intimate as we are going to get for a while. Sex just complicates things, and that is the last thing we want. The time will come when we will move on to that, but now it is more important that we begin our relationship by building a strong foundation. I've messed up a lot of things in my life, but this is one thing I need to get right.