Letters

It has been a long time since I last saw Jen. I talked to her mother the other day and she gave me her adress and phone number, I am staring at it now wondering what to do. Do I call? Send a letter? Or do I just let this go? I desperatly want to talk to her but I don't know if I can or even what to say. It's been a long time and a lot of pain, probebly on both sides, that it makes this strange.

You see, Jen and I were the best friends. I was probebly about 5 when we first met and we've been friends ever since. A pretty remarkable feat seeing that she lived 8 hrs away from me. Her brother had a medical condition and had to come down to T.O. to go to Sick Kids about 4 times a year. Most of the time Jen and her family stayed with us, and that is how we got to know each other. During the times that she went back home, we would write to each other. I would send a letter every week, and she would write back every week. As we got older we began to share deeper and deeper things together. In addition to our weekly letters, we would call each other, and e-mail even deepened our bond.

Now I'll say it now, our relationship was purely platonic. I never had any romantic feelings for her and I am positive that she never had them for me. We were just very close friends, like borther and sister almost. Of course we did have a pact together that if by the time we are 35 and are not maried we would marry each other, but that is not important. I've never been closer to anyone in my life and I doubt I will again, which is why this is all the more painfull. I told Jen things I have never told anyone else. In fact I told her everything. And she did the same to me. We were there for each other, we shared in the good times and we comforted each other durring the hard times. Like when her brother died, she called to tell me at 11:30 at night. She was having a hard time with it. I got in the car and drove all night to get to her place. I was always protective of her, and it was a shame that I lived so far away that I couldn't protect her all the time. Jen was also the reason that I got out of the life I was in. She never approved of it, but was always supportive. And when the time came that I decided that I needed to change she helped me in ways I never thought posible.

A couple years ago I noticed a small change in Jen. She wasn't herself. I have always knew she had poor taste in men, they would always be jerks, or deadbeats, or users. Jen always knew they were bad for her, but I guess she liked the adventure, and besides they weould never last long, I was always there to help her, and she was always the good girl, her sweet demener would never change. But she started dating this one guy, "G" and that started to change, He was just like all the other guys and so I thought this relationship would also end soon. But it didn't, they stayed together. "G" never liked me or any of Jen's friends and family, which made it strange that Jen and him stayed together because Jen was always very loyal to us. She started to become depressed, and well sad. I tried talking to her but it didn't do any good. She just said that "G" was a good guy deep down and we just haven't seen it yet.

Well the shock came when Jen told us all that "G" and her went to city hall and got married, and that they were moving to Calgary. Nobody knew about this, they just eloped, which is compleatly out of charector for Jen, she always wanted the big wedding, hell she had been planing it since she was 6 years old. The night before they left I got a chance to talk to Jen alone, up till then "G" was always around. We went out for dinner and went for a walk on the boardwalk after. I asked her why she was doing this. All she said was that it was something she had to do, and asked me to please understand. Understand what, I am still trying to figure out.

That was the last time I heard from Jen, directly at least. They changed phone numbers and addresses a couple of weeks after they moved and I never got her new ones. She didn't even respond to her e-mail. I knew that she was ok because she still talked to her mother. It was through her that I found out that she had gotten pregnant, and had a little boy. Eventualy "G" and her seperated but it was an on again off again relationship. The other day her mother called me and said that she was talking to Jen and that Jen said she wanted to talk to me, and so she gave me her address and number.

And now I am at this dilema. I was hurt that Jen left without saying anything, that she moved away and cast me off. That stung, and I am still a little angry, but I am sure there had to be a reason for it. I still care about her andI want to help. But will she want help? Will she still want the friendship we had before or has that died away? I know I have to call her. This is a person that has had a huge impact in my life. I just need to think about what to say.

Big Mouth Strikes Again

Just when everything was starting to turn around, and get better, I have to open my big mouth and wreck it all. Typical. I was finaly starting to fit in but of course all good things have to end, I just wished it would at least get started. I am still ticked off about the New Brunswick incident. And that was the catalyst that started this.

Every year a couple of us get together and go camping for a few days up in Algonquin Park. It's not much but it is one of the highlights of my year. It is an opritunity to get away from the crisis that is my life and this society, and soak in nature. Dispite up having to cannoe and portage for miles to get to our campsite, and have to bring everything in on our backs, and not having any luxeries (the toilet is a hole in the ground that we have to dig ourselves) it is very relaxing and almost spiritual.

Well like every year I started planing the trip, and everything seamed fine. Until 2 weeks before we were to go. It was sunday night and a bunch of us were out at the pub for wings. Some other friends came who are close to A and J. As soon as they got there they started to tell us about this trip they were planing on going. 10 of them were going to go to New Brunswick that weekend. That in itself is fine, I had no problems about that, however I did have a problem in what was to happen.

They then asked what A and J were doing that weekend, they said nothing. So they asked if they wanted to go with them. A said that they couldn't get that weekend off because the next weekend they were going camping with me and "Dan". That is when things started to go south. They had the odacity to say cancel your camping trip and to go with them. They actualy said that in frount of me. Then they started to presure me by saying for me to do them a favor and let them go. They wanted me to put my life on hold, cancel my trip so that they can have fun. That is a slap in the face. "Oh don't worry, we want to go and have fun, but you have to stay at home." It made me feel really small. I'm not saying that they had to invite me, though that would have been nice. I understand if they couldn't have me come along, but they at least could have thought what I felt about it. Well I didn't say anything that night. Afterwards though A and J asked me if it would be ok, however no matter what I would have said they were going to go. So I had to cancel my trip.

A few months have gone by and the incident was forgotten. I've hung out with the guys that went, and everything started to seem cool. But the other day I was talking to a friend, and he brought up the topic of the trip. And that is when I opened my mouth. I told him everything that happened from my point of view, and that I didn't think much about the guys that did it to me. Of course I used more colourfull language. What I didn't know is that he is a close friend to those guys, and he told them everything I said. I still don't know what the whole fall out will be but I can bet it wont be good.

I have to get out of this place. My mouth has wrecked any chance of redemption in this life. Now I probebly allianated the few friends I had, even if they weren't very good ones. I need a fresh start, I need new people. I can't go on like this. The unfortunate part is that no matter where I go my big mouth will be there with me, waiting to strike.

Stars

Finaly the clouds have parted, physicaly, not figuritavely. It has been over cast for about 3 weeks now. Never really raining, just a little mist and drizzle now and then. At least tonight, it is clear, and I can finaly see the stars.

I find looking at the stars fills me with this sense of awe, but in a way that is different than most would think. I have always had this impression that some people were just unaproachable, larger than life. It is a self esteem issue on my part. I find it difficult to trust people, mainly due to my experiances so far have taught me that most people just can not be trusted. That contributes to me putting myself down, thinking that I am alone in this world.

But when I look up at night and see the stars, and reflect on the sheer scale of them. The vast distances, the enormous power, the massive sizes, I feel small, but in a good way. Because not only am I a small week human, but so is everyone else. It puts us all on the same page, on the same scale. It is at these times that I truely feel equal. It is at these times that I truely feel free of what weighs me down, because I don't compare myself with others in a harsh light. I don't see myself or anyone in any light because all that matters is what is happining in the grand scheme. If only everyone sees like this. We don't need to put one another under the microscope. The darkness covers up the flaws and shows just the beauty. If only we could all live in the dark with just the stars to light our way.

Hockey Night In Canada

Last night was the start of our little hockey league. Well to call it a "league" is a huge stretch. Actualy it is about 24 guys, sometimes more, and we get together on friday night to play hockey. It is a great set up. We have one guy who is our full time goalie, and another who will do it about half the time. The other time we pick a name out of a hat to see who fills in. As for the teams, it's whites versus coloureds. Jerseys that is. I told that to a person once and they thought I was a racist. Maybe I should say white versus dark, that would be better. Anyways, we mix the teams up every game, so that everyone has a chance to play with everyone else. This is the only fair way because we have a range of talents. Some guys are so good they could be pro, others well it's their first time playing.

At any rate, it is the highlight of my week. I love going out and playing with the guys. You leave all your worries behind, and go out and play. And it also means that I get to see some of my friends that have moved on. A lot of the guys have gotten married, some have kids already, and so there is little time left to hang out with me.

Yes I do kind of resent the fact that they have moved on and have a new life, where as I am stuck on the side of the road on the highway of life. But i do wish them all the best, and I know that it is just a part of growing up. At least they still make the time to come out and play. And after the game we still keep the same traditions, and by that we mean going to Burger King and drinking beer in the parking lot. Juvinile I know, but that is living. It's those time that we get to catch up, andI wouldn't miss it for the world.

I guess what I love about the game, is that it takes us all back. We go out there and play like when we were kids. After we hang out like before. The changes in our lives disapear even if just for a few hours. For a short period of time life is the way it was before, the way it should be. It's sad that things have to go back to the way they are, but next friday, and for every friday until the end of the season, things will be good again.

Modern Chains

The recently gave us Blackberries at work. The idea behind this was to make our lives easier. For instance any work order would be sent directly to us, as an e-mail with all the information we need to compleat the job. This way we would not have to keep going back to the shop to log on the computer and see what we need to do, which was always anoying to do. It also had a series of spec drawings on it so we don't have to dig through piles of blueprints. And finaly, not only does it have a cell phone, but it is conected to the "Mike" network, which in case you don't know is like a walkie talkie, but you call a person or group specificaly instead just anyone listening in. The idea behind this is so that if we need help or whatever we can just call a coworker and get them to help us.

At first this sounded really cool. WE would be on the cutting edge of technology, and I would have a new toy to play with. But in reality, and after a couple of weeks of using them, they have proven to be hellish. There seams to have been a strange change in how our bosses act lately. Before they were pretty liberal, letting us do what we wanted as long as the work got done. Now it is a shift to getting as much done in as little time as posible. Its all work work work, all the time. And the blackberries are contributing to this.

It used to be that we would get maybe 3 or 4 work orders a day, we would print them out in the morning, and go to work. That was enough work as each job usualy takes about 2 hours or so. Now we get sent one work order at a time to our blackberry, and as soon as we finish we are supposed to sign it off in the e-mail. Only then are we sent the next one. This way they are trying to keep tabs on how long we are woking on a task. Coupled with the fact that they increased our wokload, but not the amount of workers, we have a backlog of jobs, and we hear about that every day, and that we have to work harder.

Also we used to be pretty liberal about our breaks too. Lunch is usualy about 12:00 but sometimes if we are working on something we don't take it until 12:15 or 12:30 or when ever we can. Also if we are having a slow day we will take a longer lunch, 40 minutes, 45 whatever. Now that we have the "mike" walkie talkie on the blackberry, the boss will call one or 2 of us at exactly 12:30, to see if we have gone back to work. That or they will call randomly durring the day and ask where you are, and then go there to see if you are working.

Work used to be fun, and morale was high, but ever since this came into efect that has stoped. The only thing the bosses care about now is making money, and instead of treating us as equals, qualified proffesionals, we are treated as slaves. They don't respect us, and they don't trust us, and we have done nothing to lose that. All they see us is as indentured servents that have to work as hard as they can or we risk getting punished. These blackberries are like chains that keep us in line. Whats worse is that they don't come off at the end of the day. We have to take them home and keep them on so they can contact us. Twice I have been called in on my days off to do a job that could have waited till the next day, but they could make more money if it was rushed. The chains of technoligy is dragging us down.

The sad thing is this is not just an isolated incedent. It's not just my company. I've talked to many people who say the same is happining to them. This society wants us to put jobs first, at the expence of our time, our families, and even our health. Ask how many people are working 12-14 hour days and if they don't the company will find someone who will?

I thought we lived in a more progressive world. I was wrong. I have said before that a revolution was needed. And it is coming. Our society is failing us, our governments and companies have broken the social contract, and we need to write a new one, with out our former "leaders" and I use the term loosely. We need change, now more than ever.

Clocks

No this isn't about the song, even though I do like it a lot.

I have always suffered with insomnia of sorts. I am not sure it is a medical condition, but rather a emotional one. I have always been one to over analyze things. Everything that happens in my life I run through my head over and over again, tring, mostly in vain to see where I went wrong. Well at least thats the assumption I have, that I am always messing things up. If it's not that then I am trying to read too much into things. I'll take even the smalest most insignifigant thing and try to find a meaning in it. The problem is that I do all of that thinking at night when I really need to get sleep. Sometimes literal weeks will go by where I may be lucky to get one hour a night.

The last few days have been like that. But making it worse is the clocks. There is a clock in the hallway, nothing spectacular, but it's there. Now I wouldn't call it a loud clock, actualy the vast majority of the time no one would ever notice it. Last night though it sounded like a jack hammer. It was about 2:30, and I was wide awake, and all I could hear was this loud, TIC, TIC, TIC, TIC, over and over and over. IT was driving me batty. I tried to shut it out of my mind but it was stuck in my head, and now all I could think about was the clock, and what it ment. Time is just passing me by, and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I have done a lot of things so far, but the things I really want, I havent acheived yet, and now I am starting to wonder if I ever will. I know I am still young, but the thought that I will soon be past my prime haunts me. How many more TICs are there left for me?

Boxes In The Basement

Over the weekend I was going through some boxes and junk that have piled up in the storage room in the basement. I only got through 2 boxes though. In the first I found an old toy Esso Gas Station from Playmobil. When I was a kid I used to play with it all the time with my brothers. Those were fun times, when there was no worries, no drama, just kids having fun.

The other box had some old school books, binders, and at one time my most precious possession, my old walkman. But it was not the walkman that almost brought me to tears, it was what was inside it. The first tape I was ever given, a homemade compelation of a bunch of The Smiths songs. I remember clearly the day I got it. I always had a radio in my room, and I would listen to it every night as I lay in bed. But at that time I rarely listened to music, I usualy listened to hockey or baseball games, or other sport talk radio programs. One day my parents got me a walkman as a gift. Of course I didn't have any tapes, I was more interested in the radio on it. But my cousin decided to make me a couple of tapes he recorded of his cassests and records. But it was the Smiths tape that stood out the most in my mind.

That one tape changed my life. It spoke to me in a way I never thought posible. It seams af it the Siths had a way of articulating the feelings I have inside. It wasn't me identifying with the music, but rather I felt as if it was speaking for me, as an advocate. I could take solace in the fact that others felt the same way. I wasn't alone. The music of the Smiths have done that to a lot of people. It's true what they say, it's music that saved my life, it gave me the strenght to continue all these years.

That one tape turned me into a music fan. And I have always had that affinity for the smiths, I have tons of their records, singles, and CD's. But finding that one tape, it brought me back. It also is bringing me forwards. It was the boost I needed at the right time. And now I have the gas to go a little further.

It also inspired me to change a little. I now have that old Esso station set up the spare room and I try to play with it every day. I know it seems foolish for a grown man to play with toys but I need to feel like I did when I was a kid again. I want to recapture the feelings of joy and peace that come from not worring of the problems I have to face day in and day out. Maybe if we all played a bit more and listened to the music, life would be a little better.

October Snow

It snowed again today. Not a lot of snow, just enough to cover the ground. Yet by tomorow afternoon, it will probebly all have melted away. I decided to go running dispite the cold, and the snow. As I was running, I felt like there was something about the falling snow that was eerily familure. I couldn't pin it down right away, but then it hit me. I remembered.

A long time ago, one of my friends was having a party and I wanted to go. However I had been grounded that week for something I did. Frankly I can't remember what it was, but I do remember the punishiment. Needless to say my parents wouldn't let me go. But I am a stuborn person, and I decided that I was going to get to this party one way or another. At about 11:00 or so, when everyone was in bed, I snuck out of the house, and went to the party. I remember having a good time there, not because it was a fantastic party but because I had to go through a lot to get there. Every one thought I was crazy. At about 3 in the morning the party wrapped up, and I walked Heather home. As we got to her door it started to snow, I remember she looked beautful in the light with snowfalkes all around her. I wish I had my camera, it would have made a great picture.

Anyways, we kissed good night and I headed home. When I got to the house I realized that in my rush to get out, and to do so without making a sound, I forgot to take my keys. I was locked out! I was terrified, but what could I do? I couldn't get in to the house without waking everyone up. So I decided to wait it out. We had this big fire pit in the back, basicaly it is a big copper bowl, with a screen on top of it, we used it all the time. We had wood stored outside, and I was able to scrounge up some paper, and lit a fire, and sat in front of it the rest of the night, as snow was falling down.

In the morning, my dad was the first one up, and when he came down he saw me outside with a fire going. he came out and said, "arnt't you grounded? You shouldn't be out here." All I said was that whatever happened it was worth it. Dad just looked at me and said, "well get in the house before your mother wakes up." That was it. Dad andI bonded a bit that morning, I realized that he was like me when he was younger, and he understood what I was going through. It brought us a little closser together. I had forgotten that over the years.

Popularity

I wasn't very popular in the earlyer grades of school. In fact I was at the bottom of the food chain so to speak. I didn't have any friends, and was teased mercilessly. I delt with it as best I could. I avoided the "cool" kids, and when they would tease me I just walked away. That didn't mean it didn't affect me. I hated being teased, anyone would, but I kept that anger bottled up inside. But then something happened to change all of that.

I remember it was grade 8, the year before high school. We had just had our first snow fall of the year. I was outside durring lunch, and I happened to stumble across some of the cool kids. As usual they started to tease me, and I just kept walking. I have no idea what was said, but something triggered a reaction in my head. I just exploded inside. I ran and tackled to the ground the guy making fun of me. When I looked to see who it was I got scarred, it was "Saint"!

Saint was the biggest toughest guy I knew. He was a lion, the pinacle of popularity. He was cool and well conected. He was also the best baseball player I ever met. I knew that he was tough, and now that I had tackled him I was scarred. Saint was known as a fighter, and I had never been in a fight in my life. I knew that he was going to kill me if I let him up. IT was dead silent for what seamed like an eterinty. Every one was just staring in shock, no one had ever taken on Saint before. Then I heard the strangest sound. Laughter. I looked down and Saint was laughing, I didn't know what to think. Even though I had him pinned down, he pushed me off with almost no effort. I just sat on the ground wondering what he was going to do. He held out his hand and helped me up. He said, "you must have balls, cus no one has ever done that before." And that was it.

From then on in, things were different. At lunch Saint invited me to sit with him and his friends. No one teased me after that day. I was invited to parties, to hang out, to do whatever the popular bunch was doing. I got to be one of the group. It was a great to be popular, it is like a drug. And I was enjoying it to the full. But there is a dark side to everything. Being in this group led me to other things. But it all started with me losing my temper one november afternoon. Who would have thought it would lead me to where I am?

Gone Fishing

I went fishing for the last time this year yesterday. We had the day off because it was Thanksgiving, and my friend "Mike" suggested that we go. We first went up to a spot near Erin, but it seams like the fish have all left for the winter. So around lunch time we went to another spot I know in Guelph. To be honest the fishing there wasn't that great either. Usualy in the summer almost every cast gets a hit, but it is late in the year so most have gone. Still we did catch some bass, and I got a nice big pike. Of course we let them all go, it keeps the lake stocked, and the fish just get bigger each year if you do. In the evening, just before we left there was a lot of activity in this one spot in the shalows. It was a pile of carp jumping out of the water over and over again, I don't know if it was their mating season or what but I've never seen that before.

Thats the great thing about fishing, every experiance is different. I know that some people find fishing borring, or even agravating, but I find it relaxing and peaceful. It is one of the only times you can go out with people all day and barely say anything because your trying not to scare the fish. However even though you don't say anything there is a bond there, it's hard to describe, but it's there.

Then theres the state of mind you get in. There is no thinking. Your mind gets to switch from the things that bother you, that torment you, to nothing at all. All you concentrate on is the art of fishing, and it's not something that is a dificult process. It is almost instinct. True you do have to figure out what lures to use, and where to cast, but thats it. Your mind goes blank, all that there is is the sound of the water and the birds, the smell of the trees and water, the feel of the sun and wind. Nature consumes you. That is what true peace is like. No worries, just the beauty of the world around you. With all the things that run through my head, the chance to get away from it, even for a few hours is envigorating.

It is a shame that the season is over, and I can't go fishing until spring. But I will wait, the chance to get away from the sorrows of my thoughts is the hope that helps me keep going.

Digging up the past

I have finaly figured out what I am doing here, typeing this. I need to record the past. My past. It is not to say that my history is so special or outstanding that everyone needs to hear it. On the contrary, it is rather banal, uninspiering stuff. I seriously doubt that anyone would care about it.

Yet I feel a sence of urgency to write it down. Perhaps it is a way for me to come to grips with what I have done, Maybe it is a way for me to try and forgive myself. A persons past shapes who they are, makes them the man they are in the present, and shows them the path of their future. I don't like who I am, and I don't like where I am going in this life, which is nowhere. I want to be rid of this old me, make a positive change. I have tried so hard in the past to change, and when you hear the whole story you will admit that I have come a long ways. But though I am not the person I was back then, the one I am today is still haunted by that past. It's a stigma that lives with you always.

That is why I have to come clean, to lay it on the line. That is why I chose this medium to say it. I have never really told anyone the whole story of me. Yes there are those that know bits and peices of it, but they are only small glimpses into the big picture. I am ashamed of the whole story, so I kept it away. But we only have one shot in this world, and by keeping the past below the surfuce people only see who I am and not the reasons why am I that. May be their opinions wont change when they know but at least I will have that pressure off me. That is why this site is nice, anyone, absolutly anyone on this planet will be able to see, but probely no one will. At least I made it available.

However I already have started a few times to write about myself, and the past, so I will continue in the same format. It will not be a linear record, rather it will jump from place to place as they come to me, or as something happens to remind me. What ever you think after about me, I don't care, I don't really care about what I think of me. It is just the story of one sad man, and what he did. When it's over maybe I can move on.

Wondering Why

I've been thinking about "K" a lot lately. Sorry that is a lie, I've never really stopped thinking about her. She consumes my thoughts. I know that we are over, and if the opportunity ever came up, I would never date her again. Not after what we had together, not after she tore out my heart and used it as a hacky sack. I thought she was the one, but I got too far in and was burnt in the process. Yet despite all of this, she is still in my head. I couldn't figure out why I haven't completely moved on, until now. She owes me a conversation. I need to know why she did what she did, and I need her to tell it to me. Only then can I excise her from my mind, and be over it. But I get too far a head of myself.

K moved in to my area, literally a stones throw from my house. But it wasn't until she walked in to that hall that I met her. She was invited there by other people, I was standing by the front entrance when she came in, late as always. She asked me if there was a phone because her cell battery just died and she needed to make a call. I showed her where it was. It was then that I fell for her. She looked so beautiful, so innocent. Later that night we were formally introduced, and we hit it off right away. We talked, we laughed, we danced, it was a great night. Because she was new to the area, I offered to show her around. And so it began. We hung out a lot, almost every day, either we went out with friends, or we hung out watching movies or chatting at either my place or hers. It was good.

This was a time in my life, however, that I was making a lot of changes. It was a hard time, trying to let go of my past and become a better person. Because of this I didn't want to rush into a relationship, even though I was sure I wanted one with K. I wanted to take things slow. I needed to start fixing up my life. Besides, I am of the opinion that a good relationship stems from being good friends. If it was just lust I was after I would barge right in, but I wanted this to mean something, I wanted K and me to have something deeper. And so for the first bit at least K and I were just friends. That didn't mean that people didn't figure out something was going on between us two. Every one knew I liked her, and they could see that she liked me. The signs were all there. For example, she went to New York with one of her friends, and while she was there we called each other 15 times, and sent about 20 text messages, in 3 days! I don't know but that seams like a lot. At any rate, people knew, and they would ask if we were an item. When we said that we were just friends, they wouldn't believe it, and thought we were just being coy.

So it was that we talked about it. Actually she was the one who broached the subject. One day we were out at a coffee shop, and she said, "You know a lot of people a saying that we are dating." I asked, "would that be such a bad thing?" And that was how it started. I guess you can say it was a normal relationship. Nothing really changed for us, except the fact that we were now b/f and g/f. Well that is not entirely true, now that we were a couple, we had little alone time together. Now every time we went out was with other people, usually other couples, or sometimes a few of her friends, I'll get into that in a bit. The only times we were really alone was when I would sneak over to her place, and go out for a walk, or the times when she had to work nights, and I drove her. In fact those were the best times because it was a chance for us to talk, to be honest it was also the scene of our first kiss, it was nothing spectacular, I pulled up to her work, and as we said bye I leaned over and kissed her, like we had done it a million times. It wasn't until I was half way home that I realized it was our first kiss. I waited by her apartment all night and when she came back home in the morning I was there to greet her, and we made sure our second kiss was done right.

But like they say all steel will rust, so all things will eventually descend till its end. The same was true of K and me. I briefly mentioned about K's friends, and it is time that their roll in this tragedy be brought forth, actually it wasn't all her friends but "JD" and especially her brother "A". I always knew that K was close to JD and her brother. But it was near the end that I noticed that they were spending a lot of time with us, especially "A". In hindsight it wasn't so much JD that was it but A always started it. The breaking point was the night at the pub. I had made plans to go to the pub with K, this great indie band that we both liked was playing. About an hour before we were to go, K called me and asked if it was ok if JD and A came too. I had wanted it just to be the 2 of us, but I said ok, against my better judgment. Then she said that we needed to pick them up. So we went to their place, and A came out, and said that JD was not feeling well and only he was coming. Needless to say the whole night was awkward, for me at least. That's when the decline happened.

After that night K spent a lot more time with A and JD, and there was a distance between us. It got to the point that I asked her what was happening. Was there something wrong? That's was when the bombshell hit. Right out of left field she said that she sees us more as just friends. Just friends?!?!?!? After that night in august I find that hard to believe. Anyways I took it hard, I was angry, not at her, but at the whole situation, I was disappointed in K, I couldn't believe that she would do that, and I needed space, so I avoided her for a while. A few months later she moved back in with her parents. Her last night here some of our friends went out and invited me to go along. I barely spoke to K that night, and I haven't spoken to her since, even though I still keep in contact with her sister. It was through her that I found out that K and A dated for a few months, but that ended as well.

Now that a few months have gone by, that anger about what happened has faded. I realize that I am still holding on to what happened, and I need to move on. But I made a mistake back then in not finding out why it happened. I was too angry to even talk that I just let it go. Now I want to move on, but before I do I need to close this chapter. I need to know why. She owes me that explanation. I am going to have to call her, or failing that just meet her somewhere and just hash this out. It's the only way to move on. And if I don't get the answer I'll always wonder, and it is not worth it.

Smoking

Smoking is quite posibly the most dificult addiction to over come. Actualy scratch that, you never compleatly get over it. I know I struggle still struggle with the cravings at times. It's been almost 2 years since I quit, and I still get them. Some one I know who quit 17 years ago say he still gets them, so it never really goes away.

I remember when I started, it seams so stupid now. Some of my friends in school were smokers and they were always offering me one when we were out. Like a good kid I always refused. But one day I decided that I would try one, just to see what all the fuss was about. Everyone did it, so I figured there was something about it. Looking back, I wish that I had coughed my lungs out smoking that first one. I wished I had choked, or gotten sick to my stomach. If I had I probebly would have never touched a cig again. But I didn't cough, I didn't get sick, it didn't bother me at all. However that didn't mean I liked it. I was kind of indeferent to the whole thing. But that wasn't what started me smoking. Back then I didn't care if I smoked or not. When someone would offer me one, sometimes I would take it other times I wouldn't. I wasn't addicted, I never craved on.

Untill I had a bad day. That is what got me hooked. I remember I was having a really bad day. I was still mad from an argument I had the night before with my parents, I was having trouble with some people at school, I had a couple of school assignments due that I haddn't finnished yet, all in all a bad day. Then someone offered me a cig. I don't know why I took it, maybe it was just for something to do, but I lit up. It was good. You don't get addicted to cigs untill you have a bad day and you feel what they do. Smoking made me feel calmer, it alowed me to think straight, it made me feel better. I think I had 5 or 6 in a row just to get that feeling. I wasn't hooked right away but in time as I had more stress filled days I smoked more. I wasn't a chain smoker, just one or 2 packs a week, and I only smoked with friends, but I was addicted.

This went on for about 4 years. At that point I went through a huge change in my life. I needed to get off the destructive path I was on. It was a logical decision, I knew if I kept doing what I was doing I would either end up in jail, dead, or worse. So I started to break things off. Smoking was one of those things I decided to rid myself of. I always knew of the health risks, and what not, so deciding to quit was easy. One day I said this was the day, smoked one last cig and threw the rest of the pack away.

To say that was my last cig is a lie. A few months after that I was hanging out with a friend and I had a couple with him. But then I stopped for a long time. Untill last week. Like I said the cravings never go away. Especialy durring the bad times. I want one so bad, just so I can feel calm for a few moments. The other day Day was very stessfull, there was a lot going on and I needed to clear my head, so I do what I usualy do, go out for a drive. But as I was driving and thinking, I started to get more worked up over what was going on. I don't know what possesed my, because I wasn't thinking, but I went to a conveniance store, and bought a pack, got back in the car and light up. It wasn't until I was on my 4th that I realized what I was doing. It sickened me. I had made a conscience desision to quit, and here I was smoking. Oh pitiful man that I am, I can't even control my self, my cravings. I threw the pack out. Now is the long climb back up, until the temptation comes again. Give me strength to over come it, for if I can't what can I do?

Windows to the soul

They say the eyes are the windows to the soul. That just one look could say more than any words could. I always thought that was just sentimental nonsence, but now I am starting to believe it.

"Anna" is a freind of mine. I'll be honest, if this were a diferent time and place, I would want to be more than just friends with her. Actualy in this time and place I would like her and me to be more than friends. She is what I would call very cute, 5'4", jet black hair that I know she dyes, but she wont admit it. We have known each other for about a year now, and have gotten very comfortable with each other. Even though I do have a little crush on her, I kept it to my self. I know that we will only be friends and nothing more. There is too much of an age gap primarily, she's 18 I'm 25 perhaps not so much of a gap in the long run, but right now it is. There are other reasons too. Because of that, I never pursued anything. However, the other day we were talking, and the conversation turned to if we could change anything, what would we change. I mused a bit too much about what I would think would happen if we were the same age. I knew I shoulden't but I wasn't thinking. She didn't say anything then about it.

Last night I was at a friends house and Anna happened to be there too. I could tell she was thinking about what was said a few nights earlier. I wanted to talk to her but I knew it wasn't the time. I looked over at her, and she looked at me. I looked straight in to her eyes, when I saw it. The look both thrilled and terified me. It was probebly for only a fraction of a second, but to me it seamed like it lasted for hours. I knew her answer just by that look. The look said that even though the idea of an "us", Anna and myself, was interesting, now wasn't the time. There may never be a time, but we will always be friends.

It wasn't until later that night that we had a chance to be alone and talk. Even then very little was said. I said sorry for bringing it up, and she said not to be sorry, she wanted to know. Usualy when a girl I like say that there will never be anything between us, I get pretty down on myself. This time, I didn't. Anna and I are friends, and even though us together would be nice, I am happy just being friends. I haven't been this close friends to a girl since "Jen" left, and I don't want to lose that friendship. Who knows what the future will bring?

The Sum of All Fears

It is not a topic that any guy likes to talk about. We try to bury it, never let it show, but it is always there, always haunting us. Fear always clouds the mind. I try to brush it off as nothing, but I am not fearless, none of us are. I have my fears as you have yours, and they all are very personal, and truely terifying, even though they may not be so scary to others. Even though I try to avoid it, the fear is there. Look how I ramble on. I've decided that to talk about my fears would be theripudic, but even now I shy away from wording them. I guess it is because by opening up, I, we all, become vulnerable. Our defences are paper thin to begin with, this talk of fear tears a hole in them. But I can't run from them, and hopefully by confronting them I can deal with them better.

Sometimes when people ask what I am afraid of, after I tell them nothing, I usualy tell them that I don't like spiders. And this is true. I don't like spiders, they creep me out, but I am not deathly afraid of them. When I see one I usualy get spooked for a second or two, then I collect myself and kill it. Thats how much I hate them. But I am not talking about that. I never tell my real fears to anyone. Untill now. There are 2 things that truely scare me, and they are both related. I am scared that I will end up alone, and I am scared that I will be forgotten. Seamingly inocculous, but they terrify me.

For as long as I can remember I wanted to have a family. It is a natural thing for anyone, to want to get married, have kids, have a normal life. But it seams that everytime I get close to a girl, something happens, usualy me, to mess it up. Lately, as I get older, I wonder if I will ever get married. How much longer do I have before I am long past my prime? I have seen older men, eternal bachlors, and I am scarred of becoming one of them. I am in no way a player, I want a steady relationship, one that will last, so the idea of being single, dating people casualy with no intent does not appeal to me. But that is not the point. The fear of ending up alone goes beyond just not finding a girl. I don't want to be alone period. But lately I have been. My friends are all moving on in their lives, and I am the one left behind. They have their lives now that they are maried, have kids, or are developing new friends. I don't fit in to their mold, and as such am left behind. I find it hard to make new friends. Not because I am shy, I am rather outgoing when I am out, but its getting out that is the hard part. I try hard to befriend people, but it is a 2 way street, people have to be friends back. So it is that I have few friends, and family that I hang out with. I am scarred that in time they too will leave and I will be left all alone. To die alone.

This is linked to my other fear, being forgotten. There is a song from Blink 182, called Adam's Song, one line the guy is talking about him dying and he says, "in another 6 months I'll be unknown." That scares me, because I can see it happining to me, and not just after I am dead, but now. If I do end up alone, who will remember me? Right now people forget about me, or treat me like I am invisable. It is only a matter of time before I become invisable to them. That is one reason why I do such crazy things, I want to be remembered, if not as a person, as someone who did things, even if they get me in trouble. If you can't be famous, it is better to be infamous than nothing at all.

The question is what can I do to slay these fears? I don't want to live with them, and I definatly don't want them to come to fruition. I guess the fears will always be there, I just hope I can prevent them from becoming reality.

Back Again

I just finnished typeing this and then it is gone. So I have to write this all over again.

I picked up my family this weekend from the airport. They had a great time in Europe, and to be honest I had a pretty good time here, at least from the point of what I learned. But more on that later. I actualy was glad that they were back, I really did miss having them around. What was really nice though was to hear that they missed me too, and wished that I could have come. Although I seriously think I would never go with that many people. Anyways, When they said that it seams that they really did mean it, I know this from the stuff they brought back. Usualy, when people bring back souveneres, it is a last second, thought. Nine times out of ten it some cheap Eiffel Tower key chain at a cost of 3 for a euro (I know cause I was there) or some ceramic fridge magnet from some town in Italy. But this time they got some rally nice things. They brought me back a ton of clothes, which is nice because europe is about a year ahead of us fashion wise. Oh and of course they got me a beautiful set of blown glass cufflinks from Venezia.

But this isn't about what I got, well it is not supposed to be, it is about what I learned. I learned that I can do it on my own. I'll be honest there are things that I don't nessesarily relish about it but I was able to handle it. The worse part was the lonelyness.

I have tried and tried to kick start my social life, but I am begining to wonder if I am just beating a dead horse. It seams that no matter what I do, no one wants me around, or they just patronize me. It's like picking a fight with a wall, you can give it your best shot, hit it as hard as you can, but you'll just end up hurting yourself. I don't know if it is because they are all such snobs that I will never fit in, or if I am such a bad person that I am undesirable (which may be closer to the truth). That got me thinking, I need a fresh start. I need to go somewhere where I can start all over again, somewhere where people don't know who I am, where they don't know my past, where I can become someone I want to be, instead of the man I am now. I am thinking Europe may be the place. I would fit in there. I have always loved it. I speak Italian and a little French. I have some family there. It would be familure yet new and different. And the last 3 weeks showed me that I may be able to go. I don't think I am ready yet, but I am taking steps. Besides I may just need to jump in and go for it. Take a drastic leap, it may be what I need to get my life back.