See you in March

I just dropped off my brothers at the airport. They are going to South Africa for 2 months. It is going to be a great experience for them, they'll be there for work, well volunteer work to be exact. Of course there is going to be a lot of time for fun too. To be honest I am a little jealous, I would love to be able to go too, but right now it isn't in the cards. Of course I don't begrudge them this trip, it is a chance of a life time, and this is there time.

I'm really going to miss them, A & J are more than just my brothers, they are my best friends, probably my only true friends. That's why this is going to be hard. But I guess it is life. It is only a matter of time before the 3 of us go our separate ways in life. It is probably time that we, I, get use to not being with each other all the time.

At least we will always be brothers, that will never change.

If you are out there, have a great time, be safe, and I'll see you soon.

A Season In The Sun

You know how some people say that when they had a great vacation, they are glad to be back home? Well I just came back from a great mini vacation, and I honestly wished I could stay there forever, and never come back. It was just a couple of days away, but it sure beats coming back to the harsh reality that is my life.

To call it a vacation is a bit of a stretch though. It was just a family gathering up north for a few days. We do it every year, just my family (parents, brothers and sister (her husband and my nephew too of course)) and a few of my cousins and their family. One of my uncles has a farm in a little village called Hawkstone, a little north of Barrie. The place is old. Going up there this time of year and spending a few days together has become a tradition amongst us. We have been doing it for as long as I can remember, and as long as I can remember it has always been a good time.

The whole point of the trip is to get away from all the hustle and bustle of this society for just a few days, and get to know, and enjoy family. Like I said the place is old. The farm house is 120 years old to be exact. It is still heated by a wood furnace, although over the years some modern "luxuries" like indoor plumbing and a telephone has been added. We have this rule however that while we are up there we would limit our modern lifestyle. This means no computer (hence no blogging for the last couple of days), no TV, no cell phones (except for emergencies of course). It is a simple life, and you know what, it is surprisingly enjoyable.

We spend our time cooking, talking with each other, playing cards and board games, hiking in the woods, jumping into the hay in the barn, trying to walk the beam over the hay loft. Simple things to be sure, but great fun.

Every night we have a nice bonfire and sit around and tell stories and watch the stars. And of course the last night we light a huge bonfire. And I mean massive, we teepeed the logs 6 feet high, and kept it going as hot and as bright as we can. We all sit around snacking on S'mores, and sipping hot chocolate, or for us adults, warmed Brandy. For the 3rd year in a row the local fire company came out to "investigate" the fire. Weather they came because someone called it in, or because they have gotten used to us giving them some snacks and a drink for their eforts in debatable. But they have just a good a time as we do.

Of course it is all over too soon, and we all have to come back to the world. Honestly though, I would trade all this for that life. At least the memories are always there. Besides, it is a great comfort to know that we will do it all over again next year. That's the great part of traditions, even though our lives grow in diferent directions, we all share the same roots, we all share something the same inside. That is always nice to know when you are feeling alone, in the end you never really are.

Ba Humbug!

You can criticise me all you want, but there is one thing about this time of year that for the life of me, just annoys me. I am not slagging the holiday, or it's traditions, nor am I criticizing the people that celebrate it. In fact I sincerely hope that all people out there have a great holiday, whether it is Christmas, or Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa, Or Diwali, or what ever else you may celebrate.

What gets me is how people act, not all people, but many. Put aside the over commercialization and capitalization on what is a religious event, that is not what I am talking about. Just look around you, people are all in a "Jolly" mood. People wish each other a happy holiday. Many even go out and buy small gifts, candy canes and what not, to hand out to strangers. People are friendly to each other. This is all great. My gripe is, that this is the only time of year many people show this friendly attitude.

I see it all the time, people who come up and are friendly now, would walk right by you without saying a peep (sometimes almost knocking you over) the rest of the year. It's like people only are friendly because now is the time to do so.

Jesus spoke of "Peace on earth and goodwill to all me" not just around the time of Christmas, but for all the time. Don't get me wrong, I am happy that people can show friendliness, but wouldn't it be better to show it all the time? I think a lot of us miss that point. We don't need an excuse to be friendly, we don't need a date to show caring for our fellow man, we don't need a holiday to express joy. We should be practising it all the time. If we do, the world would be a much better place. I hope that we all can remember that, and keep up the spirit of the season, long after it is over.

Another Pet Peeve

Have you ever been to the drive through, and when you get your change back the person gives you the bills with the coins stacked on top? I don't know why, they do it to me all the time, and for some reason it pisses the hell out of me. It is so awkward. You have to balance a whole pile of coins, while your hand is reached way out. Most of the time I end up dropping some or all of the coins.

Is it to much to ask that they give you the coins first? This way the coins are in your hand, then you can grab the bills. It is simple and easy. But no, they can't do that. And if you ask them to, you look like an idiot.

OK, I realize that this is just a small, insignificant, non-item. It really shouldn't bother me. Yet it does. That's one of the funny things, I usually let the big things slide, but the small things get to me.

Probably it is just because this has been a long week, and most things are bugging me now. This was just the straw that broke the camel's back. At least I saved my dignity by not saying anything at the drive through and just ranting here.

Fire

This Saturday I'm am supposed to go up north with some of the family for a big bonfire. Nothing fancy, we just all go up north to my uncle's farm. We have a couple of barbecues, and we cook up some chicken and steaks and what not, and sit around a huge fire in the middle of a field. I've always enjoyed it, then again I have always liked fire. No, I am not a pyro, I just love the look, the warmth, the raw emotion that fire conveys. It can be life giving and destructive at the same time.

That duplicity has always fascinated me. In a way it has been indictive of my whole life, some of my most destructive experiences has shaped me in to the man I am today. Yet some of my choices, ones that have put me on a better course, have been emotionally devastating.

If I am not making any sense, it is because I am still trying to figure out what it is I want to say. More importantly, I am still trying to figure out what to do. We all have choices to make in life, and I am know that I will have to make some soon. I have to figure out where I am going, and if it is even possible to get there. I have been burned so many times that I really am scarred to make any decision. Such is the bane of being conditioned to be a pessimist, I really can only see the bad that may come. I think I need this little trip to clear my thoughts. Maybe in the fire there will be clarity.

The Death Of Orangeman

There is this local band that sometimes plays at one of my favorite pubs called Orangeman. Not a band that would probably go anywhere, but they do play good music. Mainly they play cover songs, but they do them in a way that is uniquely their own, and they are incredibly fun to watch. Their version of Walking on Sunshine is just amazing.

My friends and I were just going for a pint at the pub the first time we heard them, and ever since then we have been fans. Some of us got in the habit of wearing an orange shirt when they come in to play. In all honesty, when they play the pub it is always a packed house. Some of my most enjoyable times have been those nights at the pub, hanging out with my friends, listening to great music. But that has changed.

Like I said before, they have all faded away. Most of my friends are gone, they have their new friends and I am not welcomed in their new group. Occasionaly we will see each other, but that is rarer and rarer these days.

For some reason, it seams that Orangeman has decided to stop playing. Last night was there "Goodbye" gig at the pub. I had phoned up the old gang and asked them if they wanted to go and see this last show. Everyone of them said no. We all saw them the last time they played, but now for this final show, they all refused. In my mind the end of this band is representitive of the end of my time with the gang. It's all over.

I went to the pub anyways, and sat through one set at the bar. Once again it was a great show. Before I left, I ordered a pint, payed for it, and left it at the bar untouched. It was my way of saying goodbye, to the band, to the pub (I don't know if I will ever go back), and to the good times I had there.

On they way home I began to wonder. Maybe the death of my friendships is partly my fault. Maybe they have all changed, and I didn't. Maybe I am just an old relic, useless now because I refused to change who I am, becauseI no longer conform. Maybe I was never a good friend to begin with. These questions will haunt me for a long time to come, as I try to figure out what has happened. I guess it is fitting, the death of Orangeman is the death of an era for me. It is probebly time to move on.

Thanks Again.

I realize of course that they will never read this, but still I want to thank C and S for putting up with me the last little bit. There was a job to do and they answered the call.

One of our churches needed repairs due to a fire and amazingly we had so many volunteers, we didn't know what to do with them. C and S and myself were assigned to work together, and it has been a good couple of days. Finally the work is done.

Thanks again guys, it has meant more than you will ever know.

Northern Lights

What an incredible sight. I have always been fascinated by the northern lights. It is without a doubt the most awe inspiring, most beautiful, and most eerie thing I have ever seen. It is almost impossible to describe it if you haven't seen it for yourself. It is kind of like glowing coloured ribbons of light floating in the night sky, yet that does not give justice to what it is.

Last night, thanks to some solar storm, the northern lights were visable as far south as some of the northern states. Usually they can't be seen so far south. I live in Toronto and I have only seen it one other time here. But growing up in the Soo, I used to see it all the time. It is glorious.

It is funny that I can wax so rhapsodicaly about something like the northern lights, despite all the drama that is occupying my life at this time. But that is the magical thing about something so simple. It gives strength when you need it. I guess life is like that, every once and a while something happens that puts things in perspective. You see or experience something that is so much bigger than you and your issues, so grand and magnificent. It doesn't take the problems away, nor does it even assist, but for a few moments you forget about them. The restless sea that is your soul is calm, even for a few minutes. The problems will be back to face after. but the break from them can give you the strength to endure it a little bit longer, at least until the next sight. It is a gift from above. The night sky has always been my inspiration, my balm in troubling times. After looking at the lights last night, I know I can go that little bit further.

Maybe I am sounding crazy, probebly becauseI stayed up all night watching and had a long day today, but I really don't care. For one night at least I forgot my worries, and I will deal with them another time.

I bid you all a good night, and remember, keep watching the skies.

Places I Have Come To Fear

I used to love going up to the forks, and sitting by the old bridge. Basicaly it is an old rail bridge over the river, but it hasn't been used for years. It is a nice place, but hard to get to unless you know it. I found it one day when I was out for a drive. The road passes at the base of this ridge, and at the top there is a gap where the river (well really a creek that runs into the Credit) flows through. If you look carefully you can see the old bridge. There is a dirt road that goes almost to the top. If you park your car it is about a 5 minute walk to the tracks, and the bridge. The train hasn't been there for years, I guess the line isn;t used anymore. Anyways it has a great view over the surounding countryside. Absoulutly beautiful. I used to go there all the time to think, when I wanted some alone time. Now, I get this eerie sence of dread whenever I get near it. I used to love it, now, well, I can;t go there anymore, all the beauty, all the peace, everything that I loved about it is coloured over by the bad that it now has come to represent.

When I begain to think about where my life was leading me, I went there. It was on that bridge that I made my choice. It was on that bridge that I decided to change. It was on that bridge that I knew that Heather and me needed to go our seperate ways in order for the both of us to have a better chance. She was the last, and strogest tie to my former life. I was holding her back. I guess from the begining we were doomed to never work out, but we gave it our best shot. They were the 4 most happiest years I have ever known. But I knew it would come to an end, and I made that choice on that bridge. Although perhaps I am better of in a way, the old life would have probebly killed me. The one thing I regret, will always regret is loseing Heather. My life has never been the same since that day, it has lost it's colour. I live in a sepia world.

I still kept going there, because it was the only place I knew that no body else did. But the peace of mind I used to get was gone. AfterI just went for the beauty. I took K there one day, night to be exact. There was a meteor shower, and we thought, I thought it would be romantic to go up there at night, cuddle under the stars and watch nature in all it's glory. It was an amazing night. I thought the love between us was in full bloom that night. I had made up my mind that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her that night, though I didn't tell her then. The next day I found out the truth of how she felt about me. That next day our relationship ended. I have been messed up ever since.

A place that represented so much, now represents only failure to me. It has been my Waterloo. I can't go there anymore. Maybe one day it will pass, and I can go back. But sometimes you never can. I hope that one day it will mean something other than failure.

The Claw

When I first started to write this post, I had point to go along with the experience I was about to relate. I was going to use an example from my past as an analogy. But I figured that I always over-analyze everything in my life, maybe for once I should just tell the story and leave it at that. Besides, sometimes the point of a story is the telling.

_________________________________

Not to far north from where I grew up, there is a small village called Adalja. It is bassicaly a small farming community, however there are a few very large, and expensive mansions there as well. The weekend homes of the rich. There was also a urban legend about the place, a kind of ghost story that all us knew growing up. Every one in my area had heard it. Kids love scary stories, especialy when they revolve around a place they know.

Basicaly it goes like this. About 80 or 90 years ago, I can't remember, Adalja was really just an area occupied by a couple of farmers. One of the farmers had the idea of developing the land into a housing community for wealthy people, imagine a bunch of little Xanadu's all in a row. The other farmers all thought this would be a great idea, and they went in on it. However the largest, and well the nicest piece of land belonged to old man McPherson. McPherson was very much a man of the land and he loved his farm, what was more he refused to sell the land to the developers. This was a problem for them as they needed his land to make their community work. The project was delayed for some time. However McPherson came down with Tubriculosis and had to go to a sanitarium (in case you don't know, back in the day a sanitarium was a type of hospital where those with infectious deseases like TB or smallpox went and were quarintined) The word was that McPherson had a bad case of TB and probebly would have died. The developers thought that this was there chance. He didn't have any close family and his wife had passed away some time ago. There would be no one to speak up for him. They forged some documents, passing his deed to them, and started to build. Although McPherson was out for about 6 months, he eventualy recovered. He returned to his land late at night but he was shocked to see his neighbours starting to build on his land. His old house and barn was already torn down. He went over to the other farmers house where the other men were having dinner. A fight broke out and McPherson was shot, and thought to be dead. The men decided the best bet was to hide the body, so they draged it to one of the houses and mixed up some concrete. The idea was to pour the slab of the basement with McPherson's body underneath. They poured the concrete and thought the job was over. However McPherson wasn't dead yet, he tried to claw his way out, but eventualy suffocated. The next morning when the men went to look at their work, they saw a chilling sight. Skicking out of the middle of the floor was a concrete covered hand reaching out, the claw. The sight was cursed. Suposedly a searies of calamities befell. One man was crushed to death when a palate of bricks fell on him. One man went crazy. There was a fire which burnt down some of the homes, etc, etc, etc.... Needless to say the project was cancelled and left to nature to reclaim, no one has ever attempted to build on that land since. However in the ruins of the old house you could still see the claw of old man McPherson reaching out.

A nice scary story to be sure. However there is some truth to it. There is a town called Adalja, there was a building project on the land some 80 years ago that was never compleated, no one has claimed or worked the land since, and if you look carefuly as you drive by, in the forest you can see the ruins of a few old houses deep in the woods.

One day my friends and I decided that we were going to see if the legend was true. We wanted to see the claw. Of course we decided to go at night. So we brought a few flashlight, and a cooler full of beer. We were young, 15, 16 year olds and any excuse to drink is a good one. I remember all of us were a little nervious, but the beer gave us "courage". The forest was creepy, all light by an almost full moon. Every thing looked menancing. It was an eerie feeling, even now I still get goosebumps.

We finaly came up to the ruins of a large house, one wall had colapsed and a lot of the floor was rotting. This was the house where the claw was. We downed the rest of the beer, and all of us went down the old steps to the basement, it was pitch black. We were searching for about 15 miniuts when "Ryan's" foot caught on something and he fell. We all turned and nerviously trained our flashlight on the object sticking right out of the concrete.....

It was an old tree root that had poked out. Needless to say we were all scared shitless, but of course none of us admited it. We hightailed it out of there right after that. We never did see the claw. But we did live the story for one night. And no matter where any of us that night go in life, the story, the experiance will live on forever.

Another Concert

I went to the Dashboard/Brand New concert last night. It was an amazing show. I went with some friends of mine, well to be more acurate I met up with them there, but that is besides the point, at least for now. I really went to go see Brand New, right now they are one of my favorite bands. Their songs are so deep and dark and meaningful. At times I almost feel as if they are sing the thoughts of my soul. I guess everyone has a few bands they like, and a few songs that really speak to them. Anyways they put on a great set. I wished it was longer, but they are comeing back to do a Canadian tour this spring, so I'll get to see them again. Dashboard also put on a great set. I'm not a huge fan, but I do like them and have all their albums. They put on a great show and it was a lot of fun. In fact the cheers and encore calls for them were the loudest I have ever heard at any show, and I was caught up right in it. I will definatly go see them again when they come back.

A lot of people really don't get the concert scene. They think it is all moshing and pushing, a little chaos. Yes there is that, a show is chaotic, but then again so is life. You push your way through to get as close to the stage as posible. Everybody is packed as tightly as posible, you can't help but to touch and be touched by others because you are pressed in from every side. It is hot, every one is dripping with sweat. The whole mass rolls and moves like the ocean, sometimes on the point of colapse, yet we always manage to find our balance. All while listening and singing along to the music from the stage. Maybe it is not for everyone, but I love it. In all that chaos, there is order. In the madness, there is hope.

You may not think it, but people at the concert act in a way that is rare in this society. They look out for other people. If somebody falls, everyone helps to pick them back up, and they do so unbegrudgingly, even without thinking because it is the right thing to do, a person could get trampled if they wern't helped up. It's hot and sometimes hard to breath in a crowd like that, and if a person needs to get out, we all pitch in and pick them up, over our heads, and "surf" them to the front or the edges where they can get out. Hell, last night while we were waiting for the bands to set up between acts some of us who had bottles of water shared them with compleat strangers, because we were all thirsty, it way have only been a mouthfull, but at least we shared.

Back in life, we don't do that at all. If someone falls, we keep walking by. If someone needs help, we ignore them, sometimes even assisting in their downfall. We are a selfish people. I'm seeing that more and more lately, even among the ones that are "friends". It's sad, that we have come to this. A concert comes and goes but this life goes on, if we acted like the crowd, and just went along with the music, maybe it would be more endurable.

Untill the next concert....

The Keys To Happiness

I had an epiphany the other day. It was about what makes us happy, or rather why many of us are not happy. I have an aunt, and well to put it nicely she is a miserable person. Every time I see her she seams to be in a bad mood. She always seems unhappy, and frankly to be around her makes others unhappy. You can almost smell the stress that she puts herself under. I always wondered why she is like that, and then it hit me. Everything to her is symbolic in the sense that everything means, well everything to her. She has made a schedual for everything. For instance she has a strict guideline in when and how the house is supposed to be cleaned. It must be vacuumed every monday, wednesday and friday. Everything has to be in a certain spot. Hell even the toilet paper has to be hung a certain way. If not she gets upset, and will get angry at the person who "caused the mess". And no she is not OCD, because when she wants to let things be messy she will let them. But when she is in her mood, it has to be that way. The reason, because she wants to be seen as the perfect homemaker. She revels in it because she will chatter about another persons home where she visited and things were out of place, at least in her mind. All that cleaning and what not are just steps into realizing this end, and if one is out of place she feels a failure. The same is true with other things in her life, dinner parties, education, even playing a game of cards, all these things mean more than what they are, they are symbolic of ultamate victory.

That is the point, when everything becomes of utmost importance, nothing has any real value. The small things, the big things all are equal. In a way it follows the law of supply and demand, the more of something there is the less it's value. So when everything is of high symbolic value, the true value of everything is really very low. I think subconsciencely we all know that. and because if that, that low value of everything, we feel unfulfilled.

The truth of the matter is that yes, there are things of great value in life, and those we should go after. Those things include living well, having good relationships, having a clean conscience, being a good person. But all these things are in general, not specifics. When we catagorize these, and symbolize even mundane things into representing them, we lose sight of the higher goal.

The key to this, and perhaps the key to happiness itself, is simplicity. I have said before that this society over complicates our lives. We would be better off living a simple life, working hard for a few personal goals, not sweating the little things. I would gladly sacrifice the luxeries for that.

I guess we just all have to remember that those little things don't mean the world, but sitting down and enjoying the little things just may.

Baa Baa Black Sheep

Don't get me wrong, I really love my family, they have been with me through some tough times. However that doesn't mean that they are the easiest people to be around. Quite the contrary as a matter of fact. My parents are cool, so are my brothers and sister, and well all of my family have great qualities individually, as people. But when we are all together, all these personalities clash in such a way that, well it is torturous to endure. Especially since we are a close knit family that gets together very often. In a few weeks we are going to have another one of our family gatherings, this time at one of my uncle's farm up north. And once again I can envision the drama that this will cause. And as always I will find myself in the center of it.

You see I am basically a black sheep in a family of black sheep. Well me and 2 of my cousins, "Pino" and "Ant". The family has this sense of decorum that needs to be kept. I guess for years they have built up this reputation. A reputation as an ideal family. We don't have arguments, we are all happy and carefree, we work hard together to achieve success both financially and socially, yet we are all humble, people come to us for advice because we have already surpassed the obstacles, etc, etc, etc.... A nice reputation to be sure, but the reality is that it is all bull crap! Our family is just like everyone else's, we have our problems, our fights. We are imperfect. I recognize that, in fact I embrace it. Our family isn't the fairy tale, we have to make our own path. And so I have done just so. I do my own things, and pursue my own agendas. I am always still there for my family, but I see the need to do things my way. Yes it has gotten me in trouble many times, but like Frankie said in the end I can say "I did it my way"!

Because of this I am viewed as a black sheep, and as such am usually the "cause" of any family discord. Mainly it is because some rumour got out (this means some family secret, that they didn't want revealed) and they think it was because either me or one of my cousins let it out. What they don't realize is that despite the facade, people will eventually see through it, but I digress. The thing is that the blaim, and the outburst that accompanies it is usually quite humorous, at least in my point of view.

For instance, last summer at another one of our family gatherings. We were all sitting down and eating when someone brought up the subject of the little car accident. My brother-in-law was visiting one of my uncles and had parked in my aunt's space, when she returned home instead of parking on the street or asking my bro to move, she parked behind him with the trunk of the car sticking out on the road. Visability was bad that evening and someone driving on the street hit the car. Anyways, the subject was raised at diner by someone, who said that my bro was "selfish for parking there" (how, I still don't know) My mom jumped in and said not to talk about being selfish because of things other family members did. This led into a huge argument. Things were said that had no relevence to the topic, such as one of my cousins afair, which led to blaming people for who told others about it. In the end everyone was shouting, some were crying, and me, well I hadn't said a single word. Then one of my aunts got up, pointed at me and yelled "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!!!!"

Increadable. I got blamed for doing nothing. Well such as it goes. I put up with it because tht is the type of person I am. I may be a black sheep, but so are all of them, even if they don't realize it. We might as well stick it out together. Even though there will almost undoubtedly will be some some drama at the upcoming family gathering, at least there will be good food, and the odd show that goes with it.