The Cup

I heard this story years ago, well actually it is not so much a story as parable or mythical allegory. However it has always stayed with me in the back of my head.

At his side, God has two basins from which his mixes the cup of man. In one there is the bitter liquor of pain, suffering, and despair. In the other, the sweet honeyed wine of joy. His mixes the two in different messures for each man. Yet some receive more of the bitter pain. For those who swollow down the bitter cup, God shall smile and seat him at his side. Then he shall mix him a cup of naught but joy, and the cup shall be neverending.

I believe that this is true, at least in general. All of us have to dirink this cup called life. And all of us have different messures of joy and pain. Yet it seams that some of us get a lot more pain in life than joy. That is not to say that it is all bad. I have had some good times too. It is just that they are few and far between. It is just the way life is, some people get the things others don't. Some are born into a financialy secure home, others are born into poverty. Some are accepted for who they are, others face prejudice. Some have the gift, they have many friends, opritunities, love, the things all men want. The others have to struggle to acheive those things, and may still never get them.

Dispite this seamingly unfair situation, there is hope. We all have to drink the cup, we all have to live life. Weather it is easyer or harder, it is what we must do. Even though some of our cups are filled to the brim with bitterness, we have a unique opritunity. A life of dificulty makes one strong, if you face it head on. Life has trained me, I have learned to live a simpiler life, I have learned there is more than me involved, there are chalenges to be answered and I, we all have a part in answereing them. This hard life has made me into a better man. Not to say it has been easy, or even enjoyable. I am not a masochist, I don't want pain, but I can deal with it if I have too.

The reason I can deal is because of what I hope is the end result. If I drink down this life, and ask for more, things will be diferent. I beleive God will reward me for my paitence and faith. I beleive God is love, and he will grant me peice when this is all done. He will give joy where there was pain. And I am sure he will do this in his due time, and for all of us. That is the hope that keeps me going day after day. That is what gives me my strength. I hope I am right, otherwise this is all just a cruel joke, and beleiving that would break me, and I am not ready to break.

Last chance to lose your keys

Leave it up to emo to sum up what I feel. I’ve been listening to Brand New a lot lately and this song, Last chance to lose your keys (Full Lyrics Here), really hit a note with me. It dredges up a lot of suppressed emotions inside. I’ll be honest; I’ve been burned a lot over the years. Every time I try to get close to a girl to start a relationship it back fires on me.

Either I get played by someone who feigns interest in me. That happens a lot, I was raised to be a gentleman, you know the type, I hold doors, stand when a lady walks in the room, and always pay. Really I don’t mind paying, I like being generous, I have always thought that if I have something that I could share with others I should gladly do it. What good is money if you never spend it? Besides it should be used to bring joy not just to yourself but others. Excuse me for going off on a tangent there. A few times I have been interested in someone, and at the time they seem interested in me. But when we do go out, it is just a one way street, with me the one who calls and arrange things, and me picking up the tab. As it turns out she has no interest in me except for a free ride, something to do when there is nothing to do. As soon as someone better comes along, I get dropped.

Then of course are the cheaters and you know how I feel about them. I will never understand what would possess someone who at one point liked you, to go behind your back and go with someone else. If things aren’t working out between us, why don’t you have the common curtacy to talk to me? You don’t think I would understand? All I want is for people to be happy, and if I am not causing that in a relationship, then I’ll back down.

Anyways, the point is I have been through all that. It hurts, it will always hurt. I have lost a lot of my trust in girls. Even though I am still trying to find the one, I always go in thinking when is she going to rip my heart out. Sometimes I wonder if I would be better off home alone. That thought sickens me. I don’t want to be alone, I don’t want to keep getting hurt, I don’t want to feel like it is a better option. Believe me I know. Lately I’ve been home alone on Saturday nights, and I hate it. The loneliness is crippling just as much as the broken hearts. I don’t think it is too much to ask to find someone who will treat me as good as I treat her. I would give anything to change what is for something that could be. I just hope those lonely nights at home don’t become the norm, or the better way.

What if?

I chatted with “V” last night online. I use just the initial “V” for privacy, but I think we all know who she is. I haven’t talked to her in ages, to be precise it was about 6 months after she got married, and even then we barely spoke since she got engaged. At any rate it was great to catch up. But it got me thinking about what could have been, and if I was lucky to have dodged a bullet, or if I just missed out. The fact of the matter is that I did have a crush on her, and at one point I think it was mutual, although I have only really dated 2 girls. But perhaps I should start at the beginning.

V is from England and is the cousin of a friend of mine. A few years ago she came to visit her family here. 2 days after she arrived my friend introduced us. We hit it off right at the start. By that I mean we quickly became friends. I was under no illusions that anything would come out of it, she was only here for a few weeks. Still there was a connection that is hard to describe. The first night we talked for hours. We saw each other almost every day she was here, except for the 2 days she went to Ottawa. I even took several days off work to hang out with her, you know go to Wonderland, Niagara Falls, the CNE, etc…. Maybe it was because she didn’t know anyone here except family, and I took the time to hang with her. Maybe it was because we shared similar circumstances in life. Maybe the charm that people say I sometimes have came out in full force, I don’t know, but we did have a great time together and we became very close in the 4 weeks she was here.

When she went back home we still kept in touch. We would e-mail each other 2 or 3 times a week. Every once and a while I would even call her. Of course all I thought was that we were just friends, good friends but friends nonetheless. Until I got her letter. It was an actual handwritten letter by her. I won’t publish the whole contents but suffice to say it was a deep letter. We had spoken about deep personal matters before but this was something else. She was literally pouring out her soul. It was then that I started to think of her differently, not as just a friend but as someone that I could see having a future with. Of course I didn’t tell her, but I did open up more, and hinted that I did want more. I even spoke to her cousin, about what she thought. That was a bit of a downer. She said that it would be a great idea, and that we would be a great couple, but that it would never work out. V has her ideal, and I didn’t fit it. Even though she would get close, she’ll only marry a man of the right age, job, attitude. Although we were great friends, in V’s eyes that is all we will ever be. Well I thought that was just bull. I was wrong.

V came back to visit a year after her first time. I was excited, and for good reason. A few weeks before she came, I emailed her and said that I liked her and that I wanted to see where things would lead. From her responses I thought that she reciprocated. Yet when she came, it was very awkward between us. That closeness that we had was gone. Maybe I messed it up again. Just before she went back home I asked if we could talk. I wanted to know what happened, why things went down hill. She told me that yes, she did like me, but we would never work out. At first she gave excuses like the fact that we lived far apart, or that there was this age gap between us (she was almost 2 years older than me) I told her that that was just crap and she knew it. Ultimately she admitted that it was because she didn’t think we were right for each other and that was it. She did still want to remain friends. I said sure, what else could I have said.

When she went back I tried to keep things the way they were before, and for a time it was. We still talked, it was like before she came to visit that second, disastrous time. But I was a little pissed off, and I guess she noted that. We started to drift away. We emailed each other less frequently. In fact she stopped emailing me personally, I would receive a bulk letter of what was going on that she sent to all her friends and family. That was how I found out about her engagement, and wedding. In time even those letters stopped.

She ended up marrying her “ideal” guy. Weather for good or for ill is yet to be seen. But I do wish her happiness. And I told her that last night when we talked. The issue I have is that I will always wonder “what if?” Its not that I was completely in love with her and what not, it’s that I wasn’t what she wanted, and even though she did like me, because I didn’t fit that mold we had no future. It is a huge hit to ones self esteem. Maybe that has contributed to my lack of confidence and trust in women today. Why do things have to end like that? A slow decent into nothingness?

Music Of The Night

People have asked me why I have such an affinity for music. Every year, hell every month I spend a small fortune on CD's and records. I have always loved music, and I guess it is linked to my insomnia. How? Well let me explain.

Growing up, our parents were pretty strict about our bed time. I mean they were pretty good about letting us stay up to a reasonable hour, and now and then they did make exceptions. I remember when I was young I liked Macgyver, but it was on after my bed time, but my parents always let me stay up late to see it. Anyways, bed time was set and if we wanted to read for a half hour we were aloud to, but then it was lights out.

Of course lights out doesn't mean you go to sleep right away. At least not for me. I always had trouble sleeping, sometimes I would be up for literaly a couple of days. Needless to say I survived on coffee. Now like I said my parents were strict about bed time and we were not aloud to have a TV in our rooms. We were aloud to have a radio though, and that proved to be my saving grace.

I used to keep the radio on the floor of my room. When I couldn't sleep I would plug in my head phones, and tune into any station. I listened to a huge variety of music. Everything from classic rock, to early alternitive, to house. My favorites, down to this day, are alternitive rock, like Nirvana, Rights of Spring, Smashing Pumpkins, and so forth. I also listened to a lot of live to air shows from different clubs. House music was still in its underground stage, and you could only hear it on these live to air shows. House has had a profound effect on my life.

Over time, music begain to be more than just nice songs. It became a soothing balm, a comfort in the night. Many nights I would fall asleep with the head phones on, I still do it today. Music has touched me in a way I never thought. I live through it. Without music in my life I think I would go mad. There is always a song that speaks to you, when your depressed, angry, happy, disapointed, whatever you feel, there is a song that reflects that emotion. In a way it's like never being alone.

Pirates of the Boardroom?

The last few weeks I've heard this ad on the radio, telling people to report any case of pirated software at their place of work. By doing this you would be eligable to receive a reward of up to $50,000. Of course the reality is that any reward would be 10% or just $5,000, but I digress.

Just imagine for a second this senario. You work for a small to medium sized company, they are relativily new, and are trying to make it in a very competitive market. And they happen to use some unregistared, copied, and yes if you want to call it that, pirated programs. You being the person you are find out and deside to snich. There are 2 posible out comes.

1) You tell and the company gets a fine or some other punishment. Oh and you get your reward. People are going to start asking questions, who reported? Even though the ad claims confidentiality, that is never assured. Sooner or later people will find out who it was. Then management will know. Although they can't fire you, in time they will find a way to let you go, either by removing you position by downsizing, or making life dificult so that you quit. I've seen it done before, so I know it happens. When you look for a new job, the bosses will tell any prosepctive employer that you sniched on them, and chances are finding a job will be hard.

2) You tell about the software, and once again the company is punished, only this time the punishment is severe. The company is hit financialy, they are hit so hard that they can't keep afloat, and they have to fold. The company shuts down and now everyone is out of work. All for a little reward.

Now don't get me wrong, I am definatly not a "company man". To me a job is just that, a job, a way to get money so we can survive in this world. I could care less about the company where I work. However I also know that there is a balence needed. I don't come to work and sleep all day. I realize that while I'm here I have to work hard, not so that the company can exceed and some big wig makes money, but rather because if people don't work the company could falter, or I could be out of a job. I do it for self preservation. And thats the point, why would someone rat on a little pirated software at the expense of theirs and others jobs. Is it really worth it? Besides, a little piracy isn't that bad. The software companies are giants and a little bit wont hurt.

In fact it might make things better. Look at what Napster did for the music industy. Dispite the crazzed rambalings of record labels and Metalica, among others, Napster did not destroy music, but rather re-invented it. It use to be that CD's were very expensive, $25 for a new album, much much more for something older. And there was really only one or 2 good songs on those albums. Really why should a person spend that much money for only 1 or 2 songs? By burning their own CD's, they get only the songs they want. It was a rebellion against the corupt music industry. Because of it, the industry had to lower their prices to a resonable level. Now most music fans will still use a P2P file transfer system to sample music. They'll download music from various artists and see if they like it. If they do, they go out and by the CD. What this does is showcase new music, especialy those not in the mainstread, or indie groups. It also makes other bands work harder to make good music or risk being dropped. Piracy actualy is helping save music.

Maybe the same is needed in software, to help keep prices down. Rebelion is always good. And always you have to look out for your best interests, and damaging the place where you make your income is not the way to do it. Better to let it go.

Man's Best Friend

I've always loved dogs, and in one capacity or another, I don't think there has been a moment in my life that I have not either owned a dog or someone close to me have one. They have always been a part of my life. When my last dog Peaches died (may she rest in peace) the next day we went out and got our new one Teddy. By the way he is a Shepard/Boarder Collie mix.

Mankind has always had this affinity for dogs, because as a pet, well actualy there is the problem, they are not really a pet, they are a member of your family. They fill a roll that no other animal can. True, cats are very common, and yes I do have one so I know what I am talking about, Cats are not a member of your family, nor are they really friends, cats are opritunists, and basicaly you are there to serve them.

A dog on they other hand does become a part of the family, so much so that it is universaly accepted that it is man's best friend. In some cases it is his only true friend. Why do I say this? Because I have seen it happen. People change, it's an inalianable truth. The people you befriended years ago will not be the same people a few years hence. Their circumstances change, their values, their personality. Many times they meet others, and you just don't fit in, and something has to give. In the end your friends may evaporate. Not so with a dog. Treat him well and he will be your friend for life. He'll excitedly greet you every day. He will love you unconditionaly, in good times and bad. He encompases the best that we want to be. If only people could be as true as that.

It is no wonder that Byron penned these following words to his dog, if only we could live up to them.

Near this Spot

are deposited the Remains of one

who possessed Beauty without Vanity,

Strength without Insolence,

Courage without Ferosity,

and all the Virtues of Man without his Vices.

This praise, which would be unmeaning Flattery

if inscribed over human Ashes,

is but a just tribute to the Memory of

BOATSWAIN, a DOG.

Wasting Time

I am writting this on a borrowed laptop, and will probebly have to keep this short.

I had to go to a conference today for emplyees of the company where I work. The whole purpose of this conference is still a little hazy to me but it is basicaly a motivational thing, telling us ways to improve our work place, and improve morale, or as we just heard "engagement" in the workplace. In reality it is just a pile of steaming crap. The presenters that are from my company, all in senior managment, use their time time for self indulgent back patting. Look at how well we are doing. Yeah!

The motivational speakers, that were hired to speak, just talked about ways to "become more engaged in our work", "manage the polarities in our lives", "build positive dynamics", "intergrate partnerships" and other mumbo jumbo that really doesn't mean anything. Basicaly all I got from it was that we have to be doing more for our company, which is just what our bosses want said, but these guys do it more elegantly. Although to be fair, this one speaker, Ian Percy, was very entertaining.

Nothing is being accomplished in all this. The bosses just want us to work harder, but they really don't do anything to garner that loyalty. Like todays conference, as well as the ones held tomorow and friday, is nothing but words, words that will never become action. And when I think of all the money spent on this thing, it gets me a little steamed. They rented out a very expenesive center, payed top dollar for presenters, catered lunch and dinner, amoung other expencice, this thing came out to cost a fortune. It would probebly been cheaper to give us all $200. Hell, I would have been happy with a nice bottle of Cognac or Scotch.

The point is, and I'm sure every big company has these events, this is just a waste of time. Sure, to higher mangement, this seams like a good idea, but us front line workes know that it does nothing. Words and fancy conferances don't build a healthy workplace, actions and understanding does. I want a boss who knows my position, one who has gone through similer experiances. If you haven't worked in my position, or one like it, how can you be a leader? We want people to understand that work is just a means to an end. I work to live, I don't live to work. My real life is at home, with my family, my friends, my faith, and what I do for others. Work needs to revolve around that, and if a company can't do that, or worse, refuses to even try, then their can't be any great morale. And any amount of rhetoric is just wasted time.

Cheating

I despise cheating, and those who do it. It has become more and more common these days and it is disgusting. The worse part is that those who do cheat on their partner try to justify it. THERE IS NO JUSTIFICATION! No matter how you try to reason or explain it it is never right. You have turned your back on love. Men have fought and died for love, empires have gone to war over it, but by cheating, love is turned into nothing more that a cheep trinket, something valuless that can be cast aside.

What's worse is the excuses that people come up with to justify their actions. My personal favorite is that they are in a relationship, yet they have found their true love somewhere outside of it. Even if you did find some one you love, and something good comes out of it, you are still a cheater, once and for always. Who's to say that in this new relationship, which was founded on lies and lack of self-control, you wont find another "love"? In reality, it is not love it is lust.

Besides the truth of the mater is that it was never love that motivates someone to cheat, it is a lack of respect, for your partner, for your lover, and for yourself. You made a comitment to someone, and that involves sticking with them through the good times and the bad. Yet when you find someone you like you betray your partner. You make a conscience decision, yes a decsion, that your partner is not worthy of your love and commitment. You make a decision that they are not worthy as a human being. Then you devaluate yourself because you have betryed your partner, your friends and family, the concept of love itself, all because you wanted to have a little action on the side, instead of focusing and repairing the relationship you are already in. Personaly I don't care about the cheater and their value as a person, they deserve to burn in hell. It's the ones hurt by this. They have to live with the cosiquences their whole life. They have to live with feelings of inadiquacy, that someone didn't think of them as a person to cheat on them. They have to deal with trust issues, depression, and hate. The cheater has destroyed their life.

I am not writing on this because someone cheated on me per se. I write this because it has be come pandemic in this world. I have seen it with my friends, and even family, and it disgusts me because we have to chose sides. God help me should I ever be in that position.

The truth will come out

For all those Lost fans out there, there has been a new and shocking development. Check out the latest post from Rachel Blakes Blog (click here)

Thats right, she is going to tell all on the next DJ Dan podcast, on Sept 24 8:00 PST. (click here for DJ Dan's page)

Be sure to tune in.

Grand Unification Theory (work in progress)

This weekend, I finaly caught up with the Lost Experiance game. For those of you that don't know, it is an alternate reality game that fills you into off island details on Lost. I'm a huge fan of the show so this is something that really interests me. Anywho, by being up to date, now I can state my theory on what is happening on Lost, one that unifies between the game and the show. If you haven't done the game you may be a bit "lost" (pardon the pun) especialy with some of the terms, but www.lostpedia.com can fill in those details. So here it goes, I'll start from the begining.

After the Cuban Missile Crisis, and the Mutual Assured Destruction that almost came about due to it, world leaders searched for a way to help save humanity. The UN, commisioned Enzo Valenzetti, a gifted mathematician to assist in this problem. He noticed a mathematical link to world events, natural phenomenon, societal problems, and yes the decline of world governments. He came up with a formula that predicted the fall of governments past, and future. Ultimatley it predicted the end of humanity as we know it. The UN dismissised this formula and predictions as a hoax.

Enter Alvar Hanso. He had heard about the Valenzetti Equasion, and took it seriously. Using his vast wealth and the clout of his influencial philantropic orginization, The Hanso Foundation, he decided to do something about it, to save humanity. Enter the Dharma Inititive.

Hanso procured a uncharted, and isolated isand in the south pacific. This Island was to serve as a prototype and testing facility for his plan to save the world. Utilizing powerful electromagnetic fields, they found a way to keep the island protected from outside influences, as well as keeping it hidden. Stations on the island were used for various testing. Psycological testing of isolation, pressure, and other factors. There was genetic testing involving viruses and vaccenes. There was even experiments involving society, and their ability to live together in the face of desolation, and perhaps even outworldly "monsters". Idealy the point of the Dharma Inititive was to change the factors leading to destruction, and failing that, finding a way to survive. After enough data was collected, the project was called home.

At home they were able to use the data to come up with several key inovations. Amongst these was a way to extend life, and change the genetic structure of people. Wether this was to truely help mandkind survive the end, or to create a society that would be obedient to Hanso, or a combination of both is yet to be seen. However the testing methods have been questionable, using remote vilages in africa, knowing full well that many would die in the treatment. The plan may include sending out a virus, perhaps lacing food, such as "Apollo Chocolate Bars" and others with it. People would have to come to Hanso for the vaccene, a vaccene that would change their genetic code.

Back to the island. Although the Dharma Inititive was called back, some people still remained on the island, unbeknownst to the Hanso Foundation. Over time, due to the location and magnetic fields, people have crashed on the island. Some of the original ones formed a society that we know as "the others" They are still carrying out the original Dharma Inititive protocol, not knowing that it is over. Due to an error in controling the magnetic field by Desmond, Oceanic Flight 815, crashed. The "others" thinking that perhaps the world has already ended, are taking those from the flight whom they consider worthy to restart the human population. They think they are still doing their job.

However over time the factors determining the end of the world in the Valenzetti Equation, as trasmitted on the island, breifly changed, showing it is posible to avoid the end. This is posibly due to the intervention of the members of Flight 815. The Hanso foundation is now sending a crew to investigate what is going on on the island. Rachel Blake, whose mother perhaps died due to Hanso testing, found this out and is trying to uncover the truth.

So all in all, the Hanso Foundation is not nessasarily evil, they have good intentions in saving the world, but their methods are to be questioned. The "others" also are not evil, they are only doing what they have been taught to do. They too believe they are doing their part insaving the world. The members of Oceanic 815 that crashed, they are the key to changing the factors in the Valenzetti Equation, they just don't know it yet.

So thats it. It's still a work in progress, but I believe it unites all the factors in play. Only time will tell if I am right.

Settling down, or just settling?

I've always wanted to get married, have a family. Just live a normal life, but it seams that what everyone else has and takes for granted, is so hard to acheive. I wonder if I will ever find the one. Well let me rephrase that, the one where I don't mess it up.

I've only ever been with 2 girls, and both have been an unmittageted disaster. One had to end because it was the right thing to do, the other, well I am still trying to figure out. But both times I thought that this was it, she would be the girl I spend the rest of my life with. Once again I was wrong. Now I have no one, and it is a lonely exestence. Now I see that all my friends have either married, or are in a serious relationship. I am the last single guy. That comes with probles. As a single guy, you are let go by those who are married. Perhaps it is unconscience, but married people hang out with married people. It's a new life and they want people who can share their experiances. I don't fit into that mold yet, but I want to. Not just to fit in with them, but it is only natural to want that. This is where I have a dilema.

There is this girl that I know, we are friends, in that we hang out sometimes in the same group. I am not attracted to her. I mean she is a good girl, nice personality, I would call her pretty, but I don't feel anything towards her. There is no chemisty. There is nothing. To me she is just a casual friend. However that is on my end. She on the other hand likes me, a lot. I can tell by the way she acts. That and others have told me. She does want a relationship.

So here is the dilema. What do I do? I could tell her the truth, that I don't feel that way about her. We would just remain friends. Or I could go for it. I want a relationship, and this may be my last chance. I know she loves me, and she is a good girl. I could just go for it, start dating, and then get married. In a way we would both get what we want. She would get me, I would get a wife. Yes it would be a lie, but I would never tell her. I would treat her like a queen, and who knows, maybe in time I will grow to love her. In the mean time I would still be faithful. It's an idea.

Yes I know that it would not be fair to her. It wouldn't be fair to me either, but this world isn't fair. Besides, I know people who have had arrainged marrages, where they haven't met their mate till the day they got married, and they have worked out ok. It would be wrong, but now I don't know what right is. This will keep me up at night for a long time. I'll give it 6 months, and see what happens in the meantime. I'll make a decision by then. I hope.

Creep

I've always liked this song from Radiohead. Lately I've been listining to it a lot more. I know that it is mainly feelings about a girl, and I feel the same way, however it seams like the last little bit, it's meaning has expanded to include a lot more people.

I've never had many friends, just a few close ones, but I always try to be friendly, I want to be friends with a lot more people. The last few months I've been hanging out with some new people. I met them through someone else, and to be fair, everytime I've hung out with them is because that someone else invited me. The point is that I would like to be friends with the new group, it just seams that I don't belong. And the song Creep (Full Lyrics Here) discribes what I am feeling.

I can tell that they are good people. I can see that they treat eachother well, they have lots of fun, and they are living a wholesome life. These are people I want to be with, ones that could help me become a better person. But I'm not. I am not a good person, I am a sinner. I am vile. If people knew of the things I did in the past, they would run the other way. And yet dispite all that, well more acuratly, because I hide all that, I occasionaly hang out with them.

But every time I am with them, these thoughts run through my head that I don't belong there.
Of course it doesn't help out that I have not been fully accepted by them. I am still just a fringe assosiate, and that hurts. Like I said, the only time I do hang out with them, it's because someone that I know who has broken into their group, invites me along. Even when I am there I am almost ignored. Like the time they planed a trip to NB in frount of me. Not to say I expected to go, but at least do it when I'm not around. But I digress. It almost seams liket hey don't want me around, they just tolarate my presence. That gets me angry. Who are they that they can treat others this way? What makes them so fucking special? They aren't perfect.

That's the worse part. Dispite this treatment, dispite their almost running away from me, I still want to be there, I want to be their friends. It's not because I like the abuse. Rather it is because I want to change. I want to distance myself from my past. I want that "perfect soul", to be clean. And yes I want to be acknoledged. I want to be loved, just like everyone else. I want others to notice when I'm not around, I want them to include me, I want to belong. I don't think that is too much to ask for. Maybe for a creep like me it is.

Are you listening?

I am under no illusions that anyone has read this blog. In fact if I keep this blog alive for years, which I hope to, I doubt anyone will even see it, much less read. And you know what? I'm fine with that. I don't expect people to see this, and I doubt I'll ever tell anyone that I have this blog.
Yet that does raise the question of why. Why am I writing this? What exactly am I writting anyways?

As for What, I don't have a compleat answer. All this is, is a jumble of things that go through my head. Sometimes it is nonsensical, other times I think it may be profound. Most of this stuff however is things that I wish others could hear. But I know that I could never tell them. I guess that is the reason why I write them here. I need to say the things I say, but I can't say them to the ones that need to hear it. So just to get them off my chest, I write them here. Who knows, maybe someone will stumble on this site and see the things I have said.

Ultimately I write this not for others but for me. It's a way to comunicate by myself. Not that I don't like comunicating with others. I love my friends, and need more, it just seams that sometimes, they don't care much about me. I feel left out. Which is why I can't tell them all the things I want, I don't want to alianate my self any more. So I keep typing.

If you are out there, thank you.

The Green Fairy

I've been an Absinthe connoisseur for a few years now. I enjoy the taste, the history, the culture behind it, and yes it's effect. To get things straight, Absinthe does not make you hallucinate! Back in the day, it was common to add laudlem, an extract of opium. It was the opium that caused any hallucination.

However that doesn't mean that Absinthe is not potent. A good brand like Versinthe, King of Spirits, or Pernod, has a large amount of Thujone in it. Thujone is a drug that acts as a relaxant. The effect cand be profound. Things kinda slow down, you stop thinking about the problems of life and just live in the moment. It is an increadible feeling.

I have a glass or two every once and a while. It helps me deal. Yes I know it is just avoiding problems, and that they will be back the next day. But some problems will never go away, and I think I deserve just a couple of hours now and then when I don't have to think about them. It keeps me sane.

Dreams

Although I don't get much sleep at night, the times I do fall asleep seam to be full of dreams. Now I take a more psycological aproach when it comes to dreams. I do not believe they are prophetic, or messages from above. Rather I believe that dreams are just the visulisation of your subconscience mind working when it is most active. Without the outside world to distract you, your subconscience thoughts become visable. In a dream you are just working out the problems of your life. And in that sence they are important. Especialy if you have a recuring dream. Your subconscience wants you to take notice of it.

That is where I am at now. For the last couple of years I've been having the same recurant dream, over and over. It's not the only dream I have, but I dream of it at least once or twice a month. I figure it must be urgent, and I don't know what it means. I figure if I write it down it may help, so here it goes.

It starts out I am in a field. I have a rifle, and am clay shooting, thats where a machine shoots a clay disk into the air and you shoot it, it is used for target practice. I think it is important to say I have never been clay shooting or know anyone who does in real life. Anyways, in the dream I am, however, instead of clay disks they are human heads. I shoot every one. Then the head of a girl goes by, I don't know who she is, but I try to shoot it, but I can't squeze the trigger. Her head then flys over the horizon.

Inside I feel that I have to find the head so I can shoot it, so I start walking. There is a dirt road, the landscape is just rolling hills as far as the eye can see, no trees, just grass. I walk the road for what seams like hours till I come to a forest. I do not enter it, but just inside I see the girl. This time she is not just a head, but in full form. I feel this pang of sadness for her, but I raise my gun and take aim. I don't want to but now I have no control over my body. I try to scream at her to run but no sound comes out of my mouth. I squeze the trigger and shoot her. I drop the gun and run to her, tears streaming down my face. But when I get there, there is no body, just the head, but it is not her head, it is mine. Then lights start flashing, like your in a dark room with a bad florecent light bulb, but instead of being in the forest I am in a old institutional facility. All stainless steel and blocks. There is bars on the window, and when I look out, I see the girl. Thats when I wake up.

I have yet to determine what this all means. It has to be important, because I have it all the time. But what am I trying to work out? Is it a warning? I guess I'll have to keep searching for the answer, there are none here.

9/11, 5 years later

What a grim anniversary this is! 5 years ago today the world changed, thousands died and innocence was loss. Please observe a moment of silence for those who died that day.




Now that the silence is over I ask you all to ask questions about what happened that day. In no way do I wish to disrespect those who died or their survivors, but we need to ask questions about what happened. The "Official" story is obviously a lie, and we need to know the truth. There are far too many conflicting stories, misinformation, strange circumstances, and outright lies.

Ask, Why was there almost no wreckage at Shanksville PA where flight 93 crashed? Why were there so many cell phone calls from the plane when it is almost impossible to get reception during a flight? Why does the damage to the Pentagon consistent to a missile hit and not a plane crash? Why did WT7, a building that WAS NOT HIT during the attacks, and which held files from the CIA, IRS, and SEC, mysteriously colapse in on itself? Why do "experts" claim that fire brought down the twin towers, whereas the same fires did very little damage to the Pentagon? Why do they make these claims when science proves that it didn't? Why are 9 of the "alledged" hijackers still alive and were never even near the US durring the attacks?

These are just a few of the many questions that we have. Saddly they may never be answered. Which brings us to the most important question of all, Who profits most from this attack?

Keep asking these questions. Remember, we are suposed to live in a free society. That insures us the ability to ask questions, it gives us the freedom to disagree with what others, even the government has to say. These are the freedoms our forefathers fought for. Do not let anyone take them away.

For further information start at these sites, and keep on searching from there.

Physics911.net

Scholars for Truth

911 Truth

Yes, we may never know the answers to all our questions, but the best way to honour those who died that day is to keep asking and seeking the truth.

A day in their shoes

I would give anything to get out of this funk. All I really want is a change, a chance to have a different life. And the worse part is that the life I want is someone elses. I'm not going to mention who they are, but it suffices to say they are people I know quite well. I would give anything to spend a day in their shoes. Even if I was told that it would be my last day on earth, I would take it. I need to know how life could have been.

I say this not because of massive jeliousy, but rather out of admaration of their life. I don't begrudge them the way they live. They deserve to have it so good, they are good people and I wish the best for them, its just that I wish I could have a taste of it too. Not to say that they don't have their problems, everyone does. It's just that, for them, their problems seam to be resolved positivly. Besides there are a lot more good times than bad, which is the diametric oposite to me.

I know this sounds bitter and pathetic, desiring a life that is not mine, but really it is just regrets. I could have had that life, but for the choices that I made. At the time the choices I made were the right one, and I still think they were, but it led me on a path I never envisioned. I guess that is the way it is.

I wish they know just how precious life is, especialy theirs. It's just a normal life, nothing spectacular, but it is a life worth living, and some of us would give anything to live it for just one day.

All Alone

Well I just got back from the airport. My family is going to Europe for a month, and I get to stay home, alone. The house is all to myself. And yet I am not as happy about it as I thought I would be. In fact I am a little depressed.

It's not the fact that they get to go and I don't. I mean I am a little jellous, but who wouldn't be? A trip to Italy and Germany for a month would be great. But I am not that jellous because I did get to go last year for 3 weeks and most of them stayed behind. So its not that.

No the reason I am depressed is that I am really going to miss them, especialy my 2 cousins and my sister and brother-in-law. I'm not getting sentimental here, its just the fact that because they are gone it hilights the fact that I am alone.

Most of my friends have either moved away, or have gotten married and have very little time for me. I have very few friends available to spend time with. However, the last little bit I have noticed that I have spent a huge amount of time with my family, and we have been having a great time together. Now that they are gone, even just for a few weeks, it emphisizes the point that I have few friends and just how lonely I really am. That stings.

On the ride home from the airport, I started to think about what would happen if they too were to leave or move on for good. Then what would happen to me? Would I be alone forever? I don't think I could take that.

This is going to be a tough month, one where I am going to have to do a lot of soul searching. I have to get out of this vicious cycle of lonelyness. I just hope I am not too late. I probebly am.

Jack Layton Must Go!!!!!

I'm sorry, usualy I try to stay away from political discussions. Although they interest me, I do strive to be nuetral when it comes to politics. However this just gets my blood boiling!

First of all I do have to say that I was never for the "war" in Afganistan. I use quotation makes purposly there. I believe that it had nothing to do with terrorism, or ousting a harmful government. Rather it was just a case of the US sticking it's nose where it didn't belong. It needed Afganistan as a diversion to their real target, Iraq and Iran, as well as their oil. It was also needed to try and expand American influence in the middle east. However I digress, the point is that we as Canadians should not have been there in the first place, no one should. However the Americans went in and ousted the Taliban. But they didn't do a good job, now there are thousands of rebel soldiers, fighting to regain control. Now that Canada is involved we can't leave. If we do, it would be the poor inocent Afghans who suffer.

Now that we are they we have to stay till the end. To pull out now would be cowardice, it would be leaving inocent people to suffer. Just because there are a few casualties, to run now would in effect be saying that our soldiers are not up to the task that they were trained for. It shows a lack of confidence. However the leader of the NDP, Jack Layton suggests we do exactly this. You can read his ideas to run away from our problems here: Globe, Pull out

If that wasn't galling enough check out what he suggests we should do instead of fighting and helping out the Afghans: Globe, Talks

Negotiate with the Taliban! Are you kidding? Does he really think that they will agree to having a free society, womens rights, and to turn over terrorists? It is this type of thinking that is a cancer to our society. We need to rid ourselves of this deadwood that permiates our society and most scarily our governments. With them around we will sink further and further into disintergration. There are others that fit this bill, but Jack is one of the poster childs, and should be at the top of the list of those we don't need around in this country. Better yet why not let Jack go over to Afghanistan and start negotioations, without the protection from our soldiers of course! I'm sure he will get a great reception from the Taliban, and I know few will miss him.

A self fulfilling prophecy?

It's strange how things work out. This weekend I tryed to get something together for saterday. Nothing big, just a little BBQ with friends. At first I thought it was a great idea, we would all get together for one last bash this summer. So I called around, and thats when things started to go wrong. People were busy, they had other plans, they wanted to go to a different spot, they weren't sure if they wanted to come, why have a BBQ etc, etc, etc.... Right from the begining it was doomed.

Yet somehow it started to come together. Some said they would come, others said they would show up for a little bit, others said they wern't sure. At any rate we had it going, even though the whole thing was held together with spit and string. But in the back of my head, had this feeling that something was going to go wrong, somehow this endevor would fail.

And lo and behold, the remanants of Huricane Ernesto decides to show up on Saterday, raining us out. And of course, everyone bailed! If it came with 80 km/h winds, driving rain, hail, lightning, you know a real storm, that I could be OK with. You have to cancel because peoples saftey is at stake, but no, Ernesto just drizzeled. Since the BBQ was to be held outside at the park, I understand that it had to be canceled, but that doesn't mean it still doesn't suck. The worse part is that I predicted something would happen to mess up my plans. In fact I think the words I used was that "something would rain on this parade."

The thing that gets me is that although I really wanted this BBQ to happen, right from the start the signs were inauspicious. Yes there was a lot of things out of my controle, but the point was I thought things were not going to work out and they didn't. Perhaps negitive thinking helps bring about the bad that happens. Do we make the bad happen by thinking that it will? Or are we just more atune to what could happen? Maybe I just keep on deluding myself. Things rarely work out the way we plan, it is just disapointing to predict just how they will fail.

Today we lose a great man.....

This weekend we lost another great man. Steve Irwin, aka "The Crocodile Hunter" died yesterday in a accedent while filming a nature show. While diving a sting ray stung him in the chest. He is survived by his wife and 2 children. It is truely a sad day, we lost a true warior for conservation. May his legasy of protection and love for animals live on in all of us.

RIP Steve, we'll miss you.

Knife in my back

It seams that people really like to talk behind others back. What really bothers me though is how some people are increadibly nice to you to your face, but turn your back and POW you've been stabbed!

The other night some of us went out for a beer, and we met some people we knew there. While they we were all friendly. However as soon as they left, a couple in our group started to really bad mouth them, and I mean bad. That got me thinking, as I look back, these same people are always gosipping about someone when they are not around. It's really disterbing, if that is what they say about others, what are they saying about me when I'm not around.

I know I am not a perfect person, in fact I am probebly the diametric oposite. So there is a lot about me that people can carp about, just like there is a lot of dirt on my friends that I could spread. But that is not how I am. For better or for worse I speak my mind, or say nothing at all. Usualy I just keep my mouth shut because I don't like to stir up crap, but when I have to I will say something, and not behind peoples back. I will tell it to their face.

When you talk behind anothers back you show that you are not to be trusted. In fact you are not a good friend, or a good person for that matter. One day the knife that you put in anothers back will be back in your neck, and you will deserve it.

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