Louder Now

What a crazy week it has been, work has been insanely busy and I've been working a lot of overtime. At least the week ended well. I went to the Taking Back Sunday concert last night with some friends. I had a blast, but it was more from the company than the actual show. A and J came, so did "Kay", "Tyrone", and "Janey". It was the first time I actually got to spend time with her since the party. And this is where the whole point of this post lies.

I guess in order to make sense of it all I should start at the beginning. Despite suggestions to the contrary, I am a hopeless romantic at heart. This has been my downfall on far too many occasions than I care to admit. It always turns out that when I get interested in a girl, I begin to daydream. In the pointless wanderings of my mind, I begin to picture my future with whomever I am interested in at the time. This does not bode well when the relationship ends (or occasionally does not really begin). I always thought that this may contribute to my bad luck, perhaps I put too much pressure on myself. At any rate, when I realized that I was starting to have a little crush on Janey, I decided that I would not do that with her. I wanted to keep things in the present, I wanted to keep things realistic. It hasn't been easy.

After the party I told A and J that I thought she was cute, and that I wanted to invite her to the concert. They didn't say anything, so I did invite her. At the concert, we had a great time. Sometimes it is hard to stay together when your at an event like that, you get separated in the crowd, and you find each other in between sets. Well We lost everyone else, but Janey and I stayed together the whole show. When the crowd started moshing I held her close so she wouldn't fall. It was a fantastic night.

But like all good things there is always a flaw. After we dropped Tyrone, Kay, and Janey off, A and J said they wanted to talk to me. J said "I know you said you liked Janey, but if I were you I'd keep away." They didn't want to tell me more, but I pushed them. Finally they said that Tyrone also likes her, and that he knew her longer than I did. Maybe they were saying that I may be fighting a losing cause, and that very well may be true. They may be trying to spare my feelings. Their concern may be genuine. But frankly all it did was get me angry. A and J are my closest friends, my best friends, even though at times they have not been very good friends to me. I know that Tyrone is a good guy and all, but I expected that they would support me over him. I guess I am in the fight all alone now.

As far as I'm concerned, all is fair in love and war, and I am ready to fight. I'm no lion, but I will be heard. Yes I very well may lose. Like I said, Tyrone is a good guy, and he has charisma up to here. But even if I do lose out on Janey, I will have given it the best shot. If that isn't enough, then obviously her and I aren't meant to be.

Realizations

I thought that I would go out for a little run before diner tonight. I didn't get very far though. About 1 km in I decided to sit for a second while I tied my shoe, and I just sat there on that log for the next couple of hours. I sat there watching the sun set, the moon rise, and the stars come out. I just sat there taking it all in, thinking, about the recent circumstances in my life. It didn't matter how long I was there for, there was nothing else to do tonight anyways.

As the light of day faded, I began to wonder if really all the problems I face were of my own doing. I used to think that maybe it was all just a test. That God or something was trying me, to prepare me for something later on in life. But now I am not so sure. Don't get me wrong, I still do believe in God. It's just that I don't see how my issues are related to a higher purpose.

In a way it is a crash back down to earth. It is very flattering to think that there is a special purpose for your life. Yet who am I to display such hubris? There is nothing special about me, I am just an average guy, with average problems, who just seams to take them more seriously than he probably should. Well there is probably nothing that I can do about it, seeing that is who I am.

A Lesson In Loneliness

I was completely bored yesterday evening, so I decided that I wanted to go see a movie that I had wanted to see for a couple of weeks now. I called up a few friends and asked if they wanted to go out. Of course they were all busy with other things. That didn't bum me out. It was Monday night and I was calling people last minute. But still I did want to go do something. So I decided to go see a movie by myself.

This was something that I had never done before, most people go to watch a movie with a group or with a date. Right from the start I thought it was odd, but I went anyway. The movie, The Number 23, was pretty good, and I enjoyed watching it. However it was what happened after the movie that really caught my attention.

As the lights turned on, I became suddenly aware that I was indeed, alone. The thought of being by myself, in a place where people usually come in groups began to bother me. I am not one to worry to much about what other people think of me, but I began to wonder just what they were thinking, about me, the lone guy sitting there. I had this overwhelming urge to get out of there as fast as I could, lest people begin to notice that I wasn't with anyone. All throughout the movie it never crossed my mind that I was alone, but now, after, in the light, I felt lonely, isolated, vulnerable. It was frightening.

I don't know why it was that way, but I couldn't help that feeling of being alone. I hated it. It really is getting me thinking if I could handle it. Frankly I don't know if I can.

Going Along With The Flow

It's funny just how close we can come to missing out on the good, albeit simple things in life. Yesterday was a perfect example, of how sometimes you just have to go with what comes your way and wait to see how it will all work out in the end.

Earlier this week I was invited to a party. Well it was kind of a last minute thing. Some friends wanted to get together and ordered a keg of beer. On Friday I was asked if I wanted to go. Since I honestly had nothing to do Saturday night, I said I would go. To be completely honest, I didn't really want to go. A lot of the people were, well friends, but not very good ones. The type of people that are your friends one minute, but will ditch you in a moments notice if something better comes along. I usually try to avoid these people, but since it was my friend "Tyrone" who invited me, and he has always been a decent friend, I said I would come, even if it was for only one beer.

Well when I got there, the party had already started. There was a lot of people I never met before, so I went around and made my introductions, found Tyrone and a couple other people I know and went to talk to them. After a while most of the people wanted to dance, one of the guys hooked up his sound equipment and started playing. Of course no one like the music so Tyrone asked if I could DJ seeing that I used to do some DJing before. I did not expect to do this seeing that I was planing to leave early, but for reasons unknown I said yes. I hooked up the guys computer and downloaded some music and played it directly from it. It was a smashing success. Everyone was having a great time.

More importantly, at least in my opinion, this one girl I met there "Janie" kept on coming up to talk to me when she wasn't dancing. When I had a couple of songs queued up, I went out and danced with her. I realize of course that it could mean nothing, but I think there was a real connection there, and I did get her number, so we'll see what happens.

At any rate, before I knew it it was 1:30 in the morning, and it was time to wrap things up. Everyone had a great time, I met a lot of great people, I've even been asked to DJ at a couple of up coming parties. The point is that sometimes the things we plan never seem to work out, but the things that just come along can be exactly where we need to go.

The Golden Rule

I had to do a favor for my boss today. He asked me if I could go over to one of his friends house, and fix something. Not something that I particularly wanted to do, but like they say, one hand washes the other.

However that is not the point. The neighbourhood was VERY affluent. Every house was a multimillion dollar home. Every driveway had a very expensive car or 2, or 3. The house I had to go to was especially opulent. The inside was decked out very extavengantly. When the owner answered the door, he had this look of smug superiority. When he spoke to me he almost spit the words out as if it was that distasteful to speak to me, a person below his station. He didn't even offer me a glass of water after doing the job. The whole purpose of it was to make someone feel like an outsider, like you didn't belong. And it is true, I didn't belong there. This was not my world, nor would I ever want to be a part of one like it.

The whole situation left me angry. Not at the way I was treated, personally I could care less. No, I was angry at the environment, at the attitude. The elitist attitude that some people of wealth or privilege, or knowledge have. The sad thing it is these exact people that run our countries.

Now I am not saying that wealth is wrong. I am not one of those radical anti poverty, or anarchist protesters. To be honest, I like having nice things. But there is a limit. What good is wealth if you can not use it to help your fellow man? What use is it if you can't even be civil with him? It disgusts me that people can be like that, and that we do nothing about it. It is about time that we start. And we have to start by our own actions. We have to treat our fellow man as we would ourselves. Better, we should treat them better. We forget this in our daily lives, I know because I forget it too. If we start, than the world just may start to be more livable. As for the elitists, well they will have to change too, but if not of their own volition, than maybe they will have to be persuaded.

100

Well here it is, the 100th post. I'll be honest with you, although I wanted to, I never really thought I would make it this far. I thought I would have given up a long time ago. Yet here I am, 100 posts later.

When I started this blog, I thought that if I made it to the 100th post, I would write something good, something uplifting, something positive. I thought that i would be able to write about something good in my life. The truth is, now that I am here, I really don't know what to write. In fact, the last few posts I had to struggle to write something. And perhaps I haven't been too honest, Trying to paint a rosy tinge over the actuality that is my life.

I have been sitting at this laptop for almost 2 and a half hours now, figuring out what to write. I have typed out several drafts, things I thought I wanted to say, but every time, when I got to the end I realized that the words were false, they are not what is in my heart, they are not the truth. I have been scared to write about the truth that is in me. Why I don't know, maybe I can't bare to face it, but here it is. Out in the open for all to see. I can't run from it now.

So maybe this post isn't what I intended at the beginning. But if I can't tell the truth here, in relative anonymity, where can I? At least this IS the truth.

For those of you who have stayed here this long, I thank you, although I have never met you, the fact that you have gotten to know me means more then you will ever know. For those of you who have just seen this, I will tell you that this is just the beginning of who I am, this train wreck goes a long way back. To all, I say if you do chose to stick around, I can not promise you great writing, I can not promise you happy themes. All I can promise you is more of the same, more of a look deeper into my soul. It may not be pretty, in fact it may be disturbing at times, but it is all that I am, and that is all I can offer.

Quarintine

Well this is just great. I get to have the next few days off, but not in the way that I envisioned. As it happened, there is a break out of C. Difficile, which is a gastrointestinal infection in the area where I live. For those that are older or or have a lowered immune system it could be serious, but for every one else it is just an annoyance. To prevent it all you really can do is wash your hands. That's it! Idiotically simple. Yet despite the fact that I do regularly wash, and use Purell on almost an obsessive basis, I still caught it.

Now I'm stuck at home, not aloud to leave the house, Stuck upstairs, aloud only to to eat pastina, and watered down Gatorade. Although to be fair the cramps make it difficult to move around much anyways. Frankly I am bored out of my mind, but am too week to do much about it other than lie on the couch and rest.

Just goes to show you not to be too happy over the small blessings that we make for ourselves, hubris just leads to a fall. Well that is not true, that's just the sickness talking. At least I have getting better to look forward to. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go to the washroom, again.

Faceing The End

There was this interesting question I have been thinking about the last couple of days. If you knew for a certainty, exactly when and how you will die, what would you do? Honestly, for me at least, this is a tough question to answer. Would I try to prevent it, would I do things differently during my last days?

The thing is, I don't want to die, none of us do. However death is inevitable. All of us will die one day. What is important is to live life to the fullest before that cruelest of fates takes us. That is something I need to improve on.

But the question still remains, would I try to prevent it from happening? You know what, I don't think I would. Like I said, we all are going to go sometime. How we face death tells what type a person we are. I like to think that if I knew when and how I will die, I would be able to walk to it with out fear. I would face the end with honour. Of course, none of us know when the end will be. Still I think I am ready for it if it comes.

Moving On Up

Well things are starting to look a little better. For starters I just got myself a new laptop. I really needed a new computer, and I figured that a laptop was the was to go. And to tell you the truth, I'm loving this thing, to be able to pick up and go is a great feature. So I am pretty psyched about that.

The other bit of good news is that I finally found a new place to live. I was a little worried that I wouldn't find anything. It's not as nice as the place I am in now, but beggars can't be choosers, right? The nice thing about it is that the house is a walk out, so I at least get light.

Frankly, I am still pissed off that I had to move in the first place. If they didn't mislead me, I would have just moved in to the house I already own instead of signing an extension to my tenants lease. But that is in the past, and I got to look to the future.

One Fine Day

When I think back to happier times, one day stands out clearly in my mind. Heather and I had been together for almost 3 years. We were both in drama class and were involved in a play that the school was preforming in a dramatics competition. It was a play called "Clouds Of Dust." that a fellow student and I co-wrote, this being my first and only foray into the world of script writing. Heather had the female lead, and I had a supporting male role. It was a kind of murder drama but based in ancient Greece. Anyways, we did pretty good and came in second in the competition.

When it was all over, I thought that it would be a good idea to go out and celebrate. "Dave" and his girlfriend "Nicole", who were both in the play, were close friends of Heather and me, and we decided to go out and spend a night on the town. WE decided to be all classy and grown up. We dressed up to the nines, went out to dinner at this fancy french restaurant called "Le Papillon" Then off to see an opera "La Boheme" (still one of my favorites). All in all it was a fancy and opulent evening.

After, I drove Heather home. Her parents were gone for the weekend and she had the house all to herself. I remember that a storm had rolled in, and she wanted me to stay and keep her company. We lit a few candles, opened a bottle of wine, and sat watching the lightning. In the candle light, she was the most beautiful I have ever seen her. I just sat there looking in to her deep brown eyes. It was a perfect moment, and it felt like it lasted forever. Sadly it never does. But for that night, it was enough just to sit there, holding her, looking at her, breathing in her perfumed sent. I will never forget those moments.

I took a picture of her, it is my favorite. In fact, it is the only picture I kept in the end. I still have it with me hidden away. Every time I look at it, I am remanded of just how good it was. It saddens me though that those times are gone. Maybe one day I'll get find them again.