A Eulogy

Barry passed away early this morning. He was 78 years old.

There isn't much I can say, except the truth. Barry was a cantankerous, grumpy old man, who thought that the only way of doing things was his way and no other. Like all of us he was an imperfect man, with many faults, but who of us have few? However it is the good that we remember. Barry, in his younger days, was a bit of a traveler. He's lived in England, Tanzania, Kenya, Thailand, and The Philippines, before settling here in Canada. His passport was filled with stamps from countless countries, and he had more stories than could ever be told. But if you took the time, he was sure to tell you his tales. I can honestly say that I learnt a lot from him, as have the other young ones who in his final years helped out. He may have been grumpy, but he always had something to pass on to us, from practical advice in dealing with others, to deep philosophical discussions. I will miss those.

Though death is such a sad thing, there is a bright shimmer of hope and goodness that came out of it. When the doctors told us that Barry had little time left, we rushed to get his son John here to see him for one last time. However the first flight out of Calgary was completely booked, yet at the airport when one gentleman heard the situation, he arraigned with the airline to give up his seat on the plane and take a later flight so that John could get here in time. I don't know the name of that man, but I pray that HE blesses him. To many of us in this world are so preoccupied with ourselves that we don't care about others. By this one act, I now realize that there just may be a little hope for humanity. If only we all could be like that.

Ecclesiastes 7:1 says : "A name is better than good oil, and the day of death than the day of one being born." When our life begins no one knows what kind of person we will turn out to be. It is only at the end that our name is established. Barry had a good name amongst those who knew him. He ran the race to the end and he ran it well.

Where ever you are Barry, sleep well, we'll miss you.

The Face Of Death

I guess it was inevitable when you think about it. There is no escape, it will get us all in the end. I'm talking about death, the final act in this play of life. A few days ago we found out that Barry was dying. Cancer in his bowls and stomach. Seeing that he is in his mid 80's something like this was bound to happen. Frankly he looked sick for quite some time and last week he just colapsed. The problem is Barry has the unfortunate mistrust of any modern technology, especialy medical. He refuses to see a doctor, and even when he fell sick he wouldn't go to the hospital until the pain got too much. It was only then that they found out what was wrong. The sad thing is, if he had gone to a doctor regularly, they could have caught it years ago, before if spread as bad as it is now. The doctors say there is nothing that they can do now except keep him comfortable until the end comes.

It's been tough, for all of us. We've known Barry for several years now, and have been, well, friends. I go over, run erands for him, hang out with him now and then. He really has no one her, his wife passed away a few years ago, and his son "John" lives in BC. He's comming in tonight and I have to go and pick him up, he deserves one last chance to see him, and time is running out, The doctors say he may not even make it through the night.

That is where the delema comes in. Death is such a horible thing. Yet when I look at Barry, death, well it is not so horible. He's lived a good life. He's run the race to the end and he's run it well. Besides he is in so much pain, death just may be a blessing.

A Long Night And A Sunrise To Follow

I guess things never really do work out the way you intend. You can plan and plan, but life has it's tendency to do whatever it pleases despite our objections. All we can do is take it as it comes, and sometimes you can be surprised at what is revealed.

Case in point, what happened last night. My friends were all getting together to have a BBQ. Granted it was a little thing, but I was really looking forward to going. It has been a week of mercuric ups and downs so far, and I figured that this will be a little get away, a chance to recharge, hang out with friends, spend time with Janey. However that is not at all what happened. To make a long story short, well at least shorter, there was a small emergency at work that needed fixing and that required me working overnight. I didn't want to but sometimes we have to do things we don't. So I called Tyrone and said I couldn't make it. The only response was "oh well, maybe next time bro" I guess it was all you could really say but still it sucked knowing that everyone else was off having fun while I had to work.

Well I ended up finishing up at around 5 in the morning. When I got home I was exhausted, but as I was opening the door, I heard the birds chirping. I don't know why but I just sat there on my front porch listening to the birds, and watching the sun rise. I have seen sunrises many times in my life, but this was the first time I actually watched one. What was more interesting though was the phone call I got. The last person that I ever expected to call, especially at 6:30 in the morning (which is when I normally get up anyways) phoned me and said that they missed me at the BBQ. It was nice to know that after all this time I wasn't completely forgotten. Makes me want to re-evaluate some things.

In All It's Fury

I went running as usual yesterday evening, which looking back on it probably wasn't the brightest idea I ever had. All day on the news they were warning about this storm front that was supposed to be coming in. Well when I went out it was overcast, and you can see the wind was up high in the clouds, but I figured nothing was going to happen.

Boy was I wrong! About 20 minutes in, the sky turned almost pitch black and the rain just came down in buckets. It wasn't the heaviest rain I had seen but it was bad enough. At least I had enough sense to seek shelter, so I kept running till I got to the old bridge over the river. I went to ground underneath near the piling. It was then that the storm hit. The wind was roaring, rain was swept literally sideways so that even under that bridge, I still got soaked. There was no thunder or lightning, but the storm growled, almost as if it were a living thing, raging against the earth. After what seamed like an eternity cowering under that flimsy rotting bridge the storm died away. It felt like I was there for hours, but really it was only about 20 to 30 minutes.

I wont say I was scared, frankly I was too awestruck to feel fear at the time. Looking back now, it was a fearful experience. It is one thing to sit out a storm inside a house, it is quite another to face the full brunt of it in the open. I will never forget the sting of the rain as it slashed at my face. I will never forget the sound of the wind, roaring like a wind animal, seemingly out to get me and me alone. It was a humbling experience, to look into the face of the storm as it rages. It makes me think of just how powerless we really are. It's nice to think that we are the masters of this world, but that is a lie, whatever power we do have is given and can be easily taken away. This will be something to think about for sometime to come.

As The Flames Rose

I was at a bonfire last night, hopefully the first in a summer full of them. Some friends were visiting from out east, so it was a perfect excuse to have one. There is something about a fire that is enticicing. It really is a mysterious thing, it can be so destuctive, yet life giving at the same time. By it's light you can see more than just the physical world around you.

But once again I am avoiding saying what I had intended. This post is about "Janie", and I might as well get in to it. She was there at the bonfire, which was nice as I hadn't seen her in a couple of weeks because of work, and other obsticals. So it was nice to see her and get a chance to talk. As usual I was the one to start and tend to the fire, but Janie sat with me almost the whole night, it was great, we got to talk about so many things, and as i watched the flames rise in her eyes I started to feel closer to her. It was nice to feel that again.

But that is exactly where the problem lies. i can not aford to get in too deep, not this early in the game. i do it all the time, fall in love to fast and just end up getting burned. Watching the flames last night reminded me of that, and as much as I do like her, I will not go down that path again. Besides it is still early, and I don't really know her that well. No, better just stick to the game plan, take things slowly and see, leave the fire for the wood.

Sympathy For The Devil

I had planned to write something else today, but the shooting at Virginia Tech takes precedence over more mundane things. It was a sad sad day, and my heart goes out to the victims, and their families, may God be with them.

With that said there is something I do want to say. The more I learn about Seung-Hui Cho, the shooter, the more I start to feel sorry for him. Now don't get me wrong, what he did was unconscionable, there can be no justification for the murder of another. However I am beginning to see where he is coming from.

Growing up was very difficult for him. Mercilessly teased just because he had a speech impediment. Isolated because he was "different". Cast off because he was extremely shy. Enduring that year after year, the stress just builds higher and higher. I can see that he felt scarred, alone, hated, angry. Then one day he just snapped.

Like I said, his actions were horrendous, but society in general shares some of the blame. We can be so cruel at times. I've seen it too many times. More than people died that day in that school, innocence died too, and that is the saddest thing of all. This may not have been the most politically correct response to this issue, but that's the way I see it. And it is never wrong to have sympathy for a sad soul.

Out Of Fuel

"So sick, so sick of being tired, and oh so tired of being sick."
Taking Back Sunday

I don't know what it is, but I have been so tired the last several days. I feel so drained, so empty. It is a chore just to drag myself out of bed in the morning. It's not that I haven't had sleep, I actualy have been getting to sleep. But it's just not a restfull sleep. I toss and turn all night. It hasn't helped that work has been absloutly crazy busy, and that there is a whole lot of drama going on with my friends.

I'm starting to wonder if this will drive me crazy. I think it is all coming down to anger. Anger at a lack of control in my life, anger at all the injustice, the betryal. I just need to get away from it all. I hate having to feel so down. It's not who I am, but it seams that lately, it is. And That has got to change.

Beenie Babies

Do you remember Beenie Babies? Back in the day they were hugely popular for reasons that I still don't understand. The big thing about them was that supposedly some of them were rarer than others, and these ones would be worth something someday. I'll be honest, my family got really into this fad. They spent a small fortune collecting them, even going so far as getting protective cases for some of the more "valuable" ones.

Well now that several years have gone by, we have all realized that these Beenie Babies are worth, well nothing. All that time and money invested in to collecting these toys and nothing.

Now compare that to my cousin. Years ago he used to be into X-Men comics. Most of them just ended up in a box in his garage. Now years later when he decided to clean out his garage, he took the box to a comic book store, and lo and behold he got over $1000 for his old comics.

Its funny that we can spend so much time and energy on something that we think may be worth while, something that is flashy and gimmicky, but in the end it is worth substantially less than something we have had all the time but take for granted. It makes me wonder at times about some of the people I spend my time with. Are they worth my time?

The Back Lot

In my old neighbourhood, not too far from where I used to live, there is this old abandoned lot on the corner of the street. It used to be a garage, or dealership or something, I can't remember, but years ago, 18 years at least it wsa torn down. The original plan was for a developer to build a strip mall or something there, but for some reason it was never done. The lot just sat there for years, empty, serving no other purpose except to walk across to save some time.

Earlier today, I drove by that area, and I noticed that there was fencing going up, and a sign saying that a new condo building is going to be built. That made me a little sad. You see the whole neighbourhood has changed since I have left. The olny thing that was the same, the only link to the past, was that old back lot. And now even that will soon be gone.

I guess it is something I should have expected. The lot is in prime location, and it was only a matter of time before someone decided to build there. Still I find it sad that everything always has to change. Why can't anything just remain the same? Maybe that is the problem, we don't change but everything around us does, and we just get left behind. I don't know. I guess the point is enjoy what you got now, you never know when it will go away.

Bananas

I had a funny discussion at work today with the guys at lunch. I had brought my lunch in, and as usual I packed some fruit. On the banana that I had brought, I noticed that there was a couple of black spots, the ones you find when the banana gets ripper. So I asked if anyone wanted to eat it. When they asked why I didn't want it I explained that I don't like bananas with black spots.

I know, sounds crazy right. Some of the guys thought so too. But that is the way I have always been. I have always been picky with fruit. I like bananas when they are still kind of hard, not green, but as soon as they turn yellow, (a little green on them isn't bad either) If I see black spots, I won't eat it. The same is true with other fruits. I won't eat peaches unless I peel them, I like my nectarines hard so that the flesh comes clean off the pit, and I can't stand any other apples other than Granny Smith. I realize that all this is silly, but I can't help it. Besides, a person is entitled to their own likes and dislikes, right?

Well, we were talking about fruit when one of the call center girls came in to the lunch room, and listened in to the conversation. She said that she also likes her bananas without black spots, however her husband loves them when they are almost completely black, all soft and sweet. She said that it is a perfect arrangement, and they never waste fruit.

That got me thinking. That is exactly what i want in life, but what I am missing right now. I don't have anyone that complements me in a way that completes my life. With out someone like that there is so much of life that is being wasted. I have a pile of bananas, now I just need someone who will share them with me.

Purposes And Lost Causes

This is in answer to a question that was asked, What do I think is my purpose? The answer does not come readily. My explanation may not even make sense without me divulging some more information about myself. I'll have to go farther back into my past to explain.

When I was only a few months old, my father passed away from cancer. He was diagnosed while my mother was pregnant, and was given only a few months to live. At least he lived long enough to see me being born, which I can only imagine would be in his eyes his final blessing. Since I was so young, however, I never got the opportunity to know him. A few years later, my mom remarried. Even though he is my stepfather, he is my dad, he's the only one I've known, and he has always treated me as his son. However, in memory of my birth father, I kept his last name.

That is where I first got the idea of what my purpose might be. Ever since I was young, I always believed that my purpose in life was to carry on my father's name. I thought that I would get married, have a family of my own, and so continue my father's legacy.

But as time went by, and I began to think of things more philosophically, I began to wonder if there was more. I started to think that maybe all the hardships I was facing was in preparation of something. That it was training me to be strong, to endure. Of what I was never sure, I just thought that someday, somewhere, something would happen and it would be up to me to help resolve whatever issue arose. I know now that this daydreaming, this desire was nothing more than that, a dream, a wish to be a hero, to be noticed for the qualities that i have but that I feel are unseen.

You are right, however, when you say that I say this in the hopes that someone will prove me wrong. That somehow my purpose will reveal itself. It's the hope that keeps me going. Some one once said that hope is a lost cause, and maybe it is, but right now it is all I have. I may never fulfill what I once thought was my purpose, I may never get an opportunity to carry on my father's name, or find my self in the limelight. I need that reality to keep me grounded, to keep me from wasting time, but the hope is that I will be proved wrong, and that there will be something out there.