Questions

I don't expect answere to this, it is just a question that is running through my head.

Where do I go from here? Am I running?

I sometimes wonder if this desire to get away stems from my ambition to get away from my past. While I don't regret what I have done, as those experiances shape who I am, I am not proud of all my choices, and I do want to distance my self from them.

Before I was content to spend the rest of my life here, starting a family, living a normal life. That was what I always aspired to do. Now, all that has changed. I am restless. I want to go away. I have always been interested in travel, but now I want to pick up and just move somewhere, anywhere for a year or two, then move on to the next place.

I know there is nothing wrong with this idea. It would be an awfuly grand adventure. Yet the question remains.

What happened to manners?

I was raised to be a polite person. My parents always insisted that we had good manners. We made sure to say please and thank you. We held doors open for other people. We always offered the last piece to company, and never took the largest piece for ourselves. We even were taught to stand when a women entered the room. That was the way we were trained, and I think that having good manners is important, it makes you a better person. Yet it seams as if manners are disappearing these days. I just had an experience that is really grating.

I was at the grocery store earlier. I was looking for something on the shelf, when a lady (and I use the term loosely) ran over my foot with her shopping cart. Instinctively I immediately said sorry to her. I realized of course that it wasn't my fault. She was the one that was driving the cart. She was the one that hit me, yet I apologized. I guess it is just hard wired into my brain to do that. Of course the natural thing I expected is for her to apologize for running into me. But that did not happen. She just glared at me, gave me the evilest look imaginable.

At first I didn't even think about it. I just got what I came for and went about my business. But when I did start thinking about it, it really got me angry. She was the one who hit me, yet she acted as if it was my fault, like I purposely out my foot in front of her cart, to slow her down.

Man that really ticks me off. I mean would it have been so difficult to say "sorry for bumping in to you"? I guess this is the way the world is going, every one only looking out for themselves. Sad when you think about it.

Let It Snow

Finaly a real snow fall. It has been snowing all day here and we have had about 10 cm of snow so far with maybe another 5 to come over night. I like it when there is a bit of snow on the ground. Everything looks so fresh, so pure and new. It gives such a sence of hope. Like all the dirt from the past is covered over.

The funny thing about a snow storm in the city is just how bright it is. The lights from the city is reflected in the clouds. You could go out at midnight and there would be enough light to read a book by. It is eerie and beautiful all at the same time. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it is important to find magic in everyday life. There is so much beauty in this world and we rarely see it because we are so bogged down in our own lives. Such simple things can bring joy, if we just open our eyes and look around. It took me a long time to figure that out. Even now I have times where I lose sight of it all. Yet all it takes is a night like this, a night with nothing to do but sit and watch the snow fall to remind myself. That is the strength from above, the gift that inspires us to keep going, to keep looking. It is the simple, little miricals that we often take for granted, that are the most important ones of all.

The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows

This is one of my favorite songs right now. It's from a band called Brand New. I just wanted to share it.

It's In The Details

First of all I want to say that I was quite flabbergasted by the response to my post a couple of weeks back about "Mel" To be honest, I am flattered that people took the time to even read this blog, much less respond to it. I want to thank you all for your comments, they are quite interesting and helpful. However I feel that if you took the time to write out a comment, it would only be fair that you know more of the details regarding this situation.

The deal with Mel, is that we met under odd circumstances. I dated her sister some time ago. That was how we met. Mel's sister and I never worked out as a couple, and to be fair the break up was beneficial to the both of us. Although I wanted to remain friends after, it just never happened, she went on her separate way, and we rarely even see each other. But during the time I went out with her sister, Mel and I became fast friends. I think it is because we are very similar, and dispite the fact that I broke up with her sister, Mel and I have stayed friends. In fact I would say that our friendship has grown stronger after the break up, strange as it may seem there was less awkwardness after.

We shared a lot of things together. With the other girls I dated, Mel was the sounding board. She was the one that I would go to for advice. And vice versa, when she was dating, she would ask me for advice. The funny thing is it always seemed like we dated in cycles, when I was starting a relationship she was ending one, and when I broke up with some one, she had met someone new. It is only now, that we both are unattached, which may be the reason that this subject of us getting together has came up, the opportunity was never their before.

I guess it is funny that through the years I never even thought about the idea of her and me. The thing is Mel is the diametric opposite of any of the other girls I have been interested in before. Maybe this is shallow or what, but I have this ideal of what I want (or at least what I think I want in a girl) No it is not about looks. I have always tried to find someone who will compliment my personality. I try to give off this air of stoic reasoning. I like to say that I run my life by logic and not emotion. But the fact is I am a romantic at heart. I like doing the sappy romantic things, and I want a girl who fits that model, someone who is a lady. Mel though is not like that, she is a bit of a tomboy.

And that is where the dilemma comes in. All my other relationships have been an unmitigated disaster. So I am now calling in to question my own judgement. If all my relationships failed with the ones that I thought were the perfect fit, perhaps my idea of a fit is wrong. That is why I am contemplating pursuing a relationship with Mel. She is so different that maybe she is right. What I can't get over is that I don't know if I am attracted to her, or am I just grasping at straws. And what is even more scary, what will happen to our friendship? If I go for it and it dosen't work out, will I lose her? If I don't go for it, dispite the fact that she wants to, will I still end up losing her as my friend? Will I miss out on something great? Or am I headed to another disaster? These are the questions that haunt me, and which I must figure out.

Vaccation

Well I am back again. I am telling you this vaccation came at just the right time.

It really was just a last miniute thing, some friends decided that they wanted to go to Florida and asked if I wanted to go along. so I did, And I am very glad I did too. It was a blast. We ended up scoring free Disney tickets, courtisy of a friend who happens to be well conected. I can't beleive just how much fun we had there. I remamber going as a kid, but doing it all when you are grown up, well you can act like a kid and be old enough to enjoy it.

Our evenings we spent partying. Universal Studios has this place called City Walk, it is a little entertainment area outside the park with several bars and clubs. They have a stage set up for live music in the square. We spent most of our evenings there.

The most importent thing about this trip is that it really opened my eyes to new opritunities. It gave me a chance to start to put my life back in order, to see what I want out of it. It gave me a chance to sort out who is really important in my life and who I need to consintrate on. Some of those answeres kind of surprised me. But I won't go into that now. One thing I did realize is that I do want to get away. Note that I did not say run away. I want to leave my life here for a bit, do something different for a few years. I am honestly thinking about trying to move away, maybe spend a year somewhere working, then moving on to a diferent place for a year, and so on and so forth. Hell I might even go to work for Disney for a year (I was talking to some people at the diferent worl pavilions at Epcot Center, they are all brought in from the contries they are represent, all Canadians at the Canada one, Japanese at Japan, etc... they get a one year contract and live there. True the money isn't great, but that is something I can work around) The point is I now know I want something new, something that is vastly diferent than the statis quo. All it took was a little fun trip to figure that out.

No Right Answers

Is a platonic relationship even posible? i mean we all say that we have them, but can it really last? Or does it just cause even more problems and confusion down the road?

I ask this because I am starting to belive that it is not posible to have one. I have this friend "Mel" I have wrote about her before. WE have been friends for a while. And she is a great girl, we always have a great time together, and I love her like a sister. But that is where it ends. I am not, or ever have been atracted to her. And that was fine for a long time. I thought that yes, this is a great platonic relationship, we are friends and that is how it will stay.

Until a few months ago.

I found out that she really likes me, and does want a deeper relationship. She wants a future. And that is where this get's tricky. A couple of months ago I mused about weather I should just go for it. I know I am not attracted to her romanticaly, but I was wondering if it would even matter anyways. It is a logical choice, we do get along perfectly well, we like the same things, hell we finish each others sentances. Maybe it would be a good thing. But it would also not be fair to her or to me. SO I let the matter drop.

Now I'm starting to think about it again. It is burrning in the back of my head. The last few days I have been avoiding her because I don't want to face the question. I know one of these days she will ask it. What will happen then. If I say no, will we still stay friends? Chances are that we will drift apart, something I don't want. If I say yes, would it be a lie? I don't want to hert her. What is scary is that I am starting to rationalize what if we did get together. But I don't know if that is what I really feel or not. I really don't know what to do.

The Smell Of Failure

Sometimes I feel as if I have become far to jaded when it comes to failure. It's not that I am addicted to it, far from it. I hate failing. But it seams that over the years I have become used to it. It seams that for every step I take, I fall two back. I meet with failure on almost everything I set out. Well not exactly. I have succeded, but every success comes with a heavy price. Every win comes with a small loss.

Maybe it is my outlook on things. I consider myself a realist, which is just an optimistic way of saying that I am a pessimist. I do tend to look at where things may go wrong. Maybe that is why things tend to go south all the time.

Yet try as I may I can't get out of this funk. The stench of it surounds me. And over time I have just gotten used to it. When things go wrong, I just let it roll off my back. I guess in a way it is good, it shows that I can just plow on dispite the bad things that come. But there is a down side to it as well. I am depressed a lot. I amy be jaded to it, but I am more keenly aware of failure than maybe I should be. That is what hurts. That is what probebly prevents me from reaching my loftiest goals.

To hell with it! I rather go down swinging that never entering the ring. Better to fail, than to never start right? At least if I do fail, it wont be such a shock.

Resolutions

I never make resolutions at new years. I've always thought of it as a futile practice. How many people make resolutions and never keep them? All of us have, if we are being honest. It just seams that to make a resolution at new years is just a fad, a thing to do because everyone does it. And I think that is the reason why may of us fail in keeping those resolutions, we don't really put a lot of thought into them. Everyone is doing it so we pick something we would like to do, just so we can say we have a resolution, but we never think it through, we don't count the cost.

But this year I am making one. It is not because I'm following the fad, but rather because I have thought this out, an am prepared to make sacrifices to make it happen. The will is there, and I will put forth the effort.

I decided this a few weeks ago and have been mulling it over since then. Last year wasn't exactly a banner year for me. It wasn't the worst, but it was nowhere near the best. All in all, 2006 has been a disappointing year. I have lost so much, but there is one thing I have gained, focus.

So here is my resolution: I hearby resolve to find a new direction in life, and follow it no matter where it leads me. For too long I have been going around in circles, now it is time to break free. Robert Frost once wrote: "Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and I, I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference." Well my new outlook is to not follow any premade paths, but to blaze my own trail, and maybe I will emerge a better man.