HELP!!!!!!!

If you are out there, please help. I really need some advice, I'm not sure what to do. I went to the mail box today, most of it was bills, and other junk, but it was the one on the bottom that is bothering me. A wedding invitation, and not just any one either, it was an invitation to K's wedding.

I've spoke about K before, but I'll sum up the whole thing so you can see where I'm coming from. I met K a few years ago, and we hit it off almost right away. I thought that she was the one, I was ready to ask her to marry me. But then all that changed. For no apparent reason she got distant, cold. When I finally confronted her about it, I found out that she was just stringing me along. She was seeing another guy on the side. But what hurt me the most was that she said she felt nothing for me, she only viewed me as a friend, this despite all that we shared. She ripped my heart out, and all I did was smile and say bye. I'll forever kick myself for not telling her how I felt.

Well now she is getting married to "Adrien". I've known him for a long time, and frankly I don't like him. He is an arrogant ass, and everyone knows it, yet his sister is very popular and he feeds off her friends. I knew about their engagement for a while now, but I really haven't gave it much thought. Thinking about K just brings back too many hurtful memories. I never thought that I would get an invitation to her wedding.

At first I thought it must be a mistake, or a sick joke. However, and this is where it gets confusing, I was invited not by K, but by her sister, Mel. I've mentioned Mel before as well. Her and I became really, really close friends when K and I were dating. In fact I would call her my best friend. There is also the little issue of chemistry between us. I know that she likes me, but I still can't wrap my head around the idea of us. I get a little nervous about starting something because I am terrified of the idea of what would happen if it wouldn't work out. We haven't formerly talked about it yet, though I am sure it is going to come out now.

Well i called her the other day to find out about this invite, and she told me that she was the one who invited me. Mel knows the whole deal about me and K, she knows what happened probably better that both of us because she heard both sides. When I mentioned that going may be a little awkward for me, she looked deep into my eyes and said "don't go for her, go for me."

So you can see my problem. Going to this wedding will drag up some horrible feelings for me. However not going may mess up my friendship with Mel. It may send a message I don't want to send. It is a question with out any solid answers. So please, please, if you have any advise on this, I need to hear it. I have to figure this out.

An Experiment

I twisted my ankle playing soccer the other day. I was trying to avoid a tackle and when I landed I came down hard on my right foot and went over on it. It was an accident, and I hold no grudge against the guy who got me, these things happen. Still though, it hurts like hell and I've had to hobble around.

However it has afforded me the opportunity to do a little experiment. I've been keeping track of peoples reaction to my injury. I've kept a log of how many times people showed common courtesy like holding open doors, giving up their seat, asking how I am, and so forth. The sad, sad fact is that common courtesy is not too common. A full 48% of people completely ignored me, never helping out in any way. What was even more sad was that some people that are my friends fell in to that group.

What has happened? How can society get to this point? I was taught to show kindness to others. It almost seams as if there is no point in doing it anymore. Everyone is only looking out for themselves. I guess I can only hold on to my way, maybe my example won't change anything, but at least I know I'm doing the right thing.

Parties Over

I've decided to pick up the narrative of my life again. I was climbing last week, and half way up I froze, it has never happened before, but I froze. It was like all the weight of my little world crashed down on me. I realize now that I've been ruminating on the past and not dealing with it. I think it would be best to get a few things off my chest, even if it is anonymous.

There is a line of a song that I like that goes "We'll never miss a party, cause we keep them going constantly." For a time that was very true for me and my friends. There was always a party Friday or Saturday at someones house, or we would go to a club, or a rave or a warehouse party. It was the party circuit.

But one night it all changed. Nina was hosting a party at her place. I was asked to DJ and everything was going well. We were all having fun. But then a couple of guys crashed. Now if it were up to me I would have asked them to leave right away, but it wasn't up to me. So they stuck around, and started to make trouble. They were hitting on all the girls there, making everyone uncomfortable. Even Heather, who could always more than take care of herself, started to get nervous. Eventually one of them started to hit on the girlfriend of one of the guys there. That of course started a fight. When they went outside I followed them, and I joined in when they started scrapping. By that time everyone had come outside. It was then that one of the guys pulled a knife. I ended up getting cut. It could have gotten much much worse, but someone had called the cops. I hate to think what would have happened if they had a gun.

I was pretty shaken up about that. It was the first time I began to think of my own mortality, I guess you can say that was the catalyst for the changes I made. One night changed everything, whether for good or ill I still don't know, but that one night, the party ended.

Red Shoes

She sits there, never even knowing I'm here.
She'll never look back at me, always looking forward.
I'll never know her, her desires, her fears, her name.
All I'll ever know is her red shoes, her hair, her smile, meant for someone other than me.
It is hopeless to hope, pointless to remember, but how can I forget?
She'll go on, on to mediocrity, I, on to oblivion.
Perhaps one look would change all that.
Yet she walks away, those red shoes carrying her away to and end I'll never know.

Seeing Through New Eyes

Isn't it weird just how jaded you become of the place you live? I've lived in the Toronto area for, well, all of my life. I have seen all the sights many, many times. Osgood hall, Queens Park, Eaton Centre, Old City Hall, I've passed them so many times I don't even notice them any more. I guess that is with every thing though. After enough time, you start to take things for granted. Those little things that once awed you, that once inspired you, loses that feeling. Whats even sadder is the fact that you never notice it happening.

My cousin Greg is visiting from France. This weekend we decided to show him the major sites in Toronto. Now Greg is from a small town in France, but still he has been many times to Paris, which is in my opinion one of the greatest city in the world. However as we walked the streets of Toronto, he was in awe at all the sites. He was impressed by the sheer number of styles of buildings, from the old Gothic stone work of the original government buildings to the modern skyscrapers, all placed side by side. He was in awe at the concept of the PATH. Hell he was even interested in the highways.

The nice thing was really seeing the city through fresh eyes. Getting to see someone else so enthralled over what has become mundane, really refreshed me. I got to re-experience the city, and develop a new appreciation for it. All it takes is someone else to show you what we have taken for granted. If only we had that jolt more often.

The Smell Of Summer

I love the smell of summer. The smell of lilac and honeysuckle. The smell of freshly cut grass, of meat cooking on the barbecue. I love listening to the sounds of buzzing bees, children at play, singing birds, the bubbling of the brook across the way. Summer is such a glorious season.

I guess I still equate summer with my school years. I mean I liked school, but summer was a golden age. It was the time when we lived, truly lived. I remember waking up in the morning, having a bit of breakfast, and going out with my friends. We would do anything we wanted. Play soccer or baseball, all day. Go out wandering in the forest. Racing our bikes. And when the sun started to go down, we all went home, and had dinner as a family. And even those dinners were an event all on their own. Unless it was raining we always ate outside. I think it was those days that really brought us closer together.

Really all those summer days were without a doubt some of the best I ever had. Those are the days that I hold all others to. Those are the days I want to regain. Days where nothing matters, were you can do everything and nothing. Heaven.

It was nice earlier today, having the family over for a BBQ. It was a simple dinner, nothing fancy, but it was almost like those summer days of long ago. It was nice to have a taste of that again.