Last Call Of The Wild

Well, I'm back again. I spent the last 9 days camping in Algonquin with the guys. Since Tyrone is headed back to BC next week, we decided that we wanted to do a rather ambitious trip, canoeing and portaging to a different site each night. I've done many trips like that before and the guys have always said they wanted to try it. So we planed to go up Canoe Lake to Potter Lake, going up Potter Cr. Which was in itself a arduous task. Most of the river was passable, but there were stages where we had to literally walk the river dragging the canoes with us, over tree falls and rapids. There was one point where the river went through a marsh and we got ate alive by the mosquitoes, ticks and spiders, it was hellish, but in the end enjoyable because we got to test ourselves in harsh conditions.

After that, instead of taking the more direct route, we made a detour to Timberwolf Lake, there by avoiding two long portages. Timberwolf, was such a beautiful spot to camp on, we made our camp on an island, and I am telling you I have never had a more peaceful sleep. The lake was so calm it was like the island was resting on a mirror. We stood out on the rocks at night and the stars were perfectly reflected on the lake, so that you couldn't tell what was real. It felt as if we were no longer on earth, but adrift among the heavens, never have I seen such a night.

We then made our way along Misty Lake (which has a significance all its own, but I'll tell that another time) to Rosebary Lake. This was one of the most difficult stage of the trip, because some of the portages were grown in, and we had to literally cut our way through bush so thick that you couldn't see though. At one point the brush had grown right to the level of the water creating an almost impassable barrier. Still though we pushed through, getting out of the canoe, and crawling through the underbrush. All of us was scourged by the branches and thorns, we all had cuts on our back from passing through, but in the end we made it. We didn't arrive to our camp sit till after the sun went down, and we were so tired that all we did was set up the tent, and eat a cup full of cold oatmeal and lake water before falling asleep. I hadn't even opened up my sleeping bag, I just used it as a pillow. Man were we sore the next morning.

From here we were able to get on to the Nipissing River, which was our goal. We spent a couple of days here, preparing for the decent down Allen Rapids. Shooting them was a harrowing experience. At first we were a little nervous about attempting them, Well I'll be honest, I was scared, but sometimes you just have to jump in feet first and damn the consequences. It was worth it. It was tough but we made it, and it was an experience of a life time. We camped that night at to top of High Falls. There is something eerie yet soothing about going to sleep listening to the hushed roar of water going over the falls. After that was the leisurely trip back, through Burntroot Lake, Lake La Muir, Big Trout Lake, and finally Burnt Island.

All in all it was an amazing trip, and we all had a great time. However, it was kind of sad in a way. Tyrone is headed back to BC, and then to where ever his wandering life leads him, although he says we will all keep in touch, we all realize that this may be the last time we see him for years and years. It is a shame, but I know Tyrone and he never stays for long in a particular area, and he never looks back, it is an interesting life, but one in which I could never live, or fully understand for that matter. J is moving this Sept to work out east for a year. Chances are he will come back and move out for good. We are very close, and I know we will stay close forever, visiting each other, calling and what not, but it just wont be the same. And although none of us have mentioned it, A will probably get married to Kay in a year or so, and no matter what people say that does change people, having a family does take away from the time you used to spend on your friends. So in a way this may probably be the last camping trip with the guys. It is unfortunate but I guess we can't fight time. In the end it is just one more sign telling me to move on. I never wanted these times to end, but at least it ended fittingly. If this is it, at least we went out with a bang.

Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want

Yeah I know that this is the title of an old Smith's song, and, well I might as well start this post off the same way. I haven't had a dream in a long time. It's so true, for years I have never had a dream, a goal that was solely my own. It hit me the other day. I've been living vicariously through others for far too long, especially through A and J. It always seams that I go along with what their dreams are, and trick myself into thinking that it is what I want. Now granted, by doing that i have done a lot of things that I would probably never have tried. They were the ones that got me hooked on rock climbing even though I was never interested in it before. But that is not the point. The point is that I was never really living my life, i was copying theirs, I I don't want that any more. I want to have my own thing, my own dreams again.

The Bible says that "if your eye makes you stumble tear it out" I think that the point of this statement is that at times you have to take drastic measures to fix the things in your life. I've mentioned before just how stressed out I've been at work, and I decided to do exactly that. I filled an application for a leave of absence, for 3 months. I've always wanted to travel, and I figure this is the time to do it. I've also decided to go it alone, to see the world on my own terms. I know it will be tough, and expensive, but it is something I need to do, and something I need to do alone, just so I can find myself. The time off is in December, and I still don't have any clue as to where i want to go. I've seen Europe so I want to try something else. I've always wanted to see Kenya and Egypt, so maybe that will be a start.

This may be the start of something big, but it is still a start, what happens form there, we'll have to wait and see.

Moving Day

Well here it is at last, moving day. Actually it's not so much a day but a week or so. I packed all of my stuff in to the truck on Saturday, and I got the keys to my new place yesterday, so for a while, I was sleeping on the floor. Even now, my new place is a mess because I have yet to unpack, but I'm not worried, I'm just going to take my time and get it right.

It's funny, at first I didn't want to move, as I had it pretty good where I was before, renting out my aunts basement. It was big, well furnished, and occasionally I just went upstairs for dinner. But here in the new place, I am completely alone, no family in walking distance, well my mom and dad are in the same city, but about a 10 min drive away. Anyways as I was saying, now that I have actually moved in, I like the fact that its just me. Don't get me wrong, I was very independent in the old place, but now, there is no one to check in on me. Fully emancipated, and I like it.

my posts will be erratic for a while because I don't have my router set up yet, but they will get back to normal soon.

Transforming

A bunch of us went to see Transformers last night. I have always been a fan of them, in fact I still have an original Optimus Prime, and Megatron Transformer, and although this may sound silly, I do play with them now and then. I've been waiting to see this movie for a long time, and it is a pretty good movie. But I digress.

It's interesting how things work. Mel and I had just had a long conversation about the wedding, and our own relationship, with all the inherited difficulties it comes with. Well when we were at the theater, we ran into K and Adrian, now it could have been totally coincidental, or Mel could have called them and mentioned that we were going, but they were there to see the same movie, at the same time as us. And you know what, I didn't feel awkward at all, well that's not entirely true, there was a little awkwardness in what to say, but it wasn't nearly as bad as I envisioned. Maybe I have turned the corner after all.

Which got me thinking about the direction my life is headed. Maybe it is time for some serious changes, I've made some as it is. Maybe I'm ready to make some more.

Conversations

First of all I want to thank Laurie and DW for your advice, it was very helpful. I also talked about it to a friend who was able to kind of put things in perspective. Getting advice from both sides of the problem got me to see a lot that I was missing, so thanks again.

I had realized early on that I couldn't just procrastinate on this, I had to figure something to say. I thought about it and realized that I just couldn't go to the wedding. I know that maybe it would have brought some closure, maybe it would have answered some questions, maybe it would have let me move on, but I don't know how I would have handled the very sight of it all. I think that I am a mature enough man to hang out with K, I think I am big enough to spend time with her and Adrian. But that day, that wedding would just be asking too much, even if it is Mel doing the asking. I would do just about anything for her, but I just can't do this.

However I still had to explain all that to her. I didn't know how to say though, so I took what you will call the cowards way. I called up a friend, and asked him what he was doing that weekend. We set it up that we would go away to Ottawa that weekend, and because he is moving 2 weeks after that, I justified it by saying it is our last trips before he leaves. Honestly, we weren't that close that I would have thought about it, but well, think of it what you will, it is what I did.

I called Mel up yesterday and asked if she wanted to go out to dinner. I figured it would be a good time to talk to her, just me and her. It was a fun evening, and at desert I broke the news that I wouldn't be able to go to the wedding. I explained that I was going with my friend, that it would be the last time, etc, etc, etc.... I could tell that she saw through it. So I told her everything that I said above. I said that I wish I was able to do it for her, I wish that I had that strength, but I didn't.

We had a good talk, and it was such a relief to get some of those things off my chest. I can also say that, by having that talk, by opening myself up to her, we moved a step forward in our relationship. What happens next, we'll have to see.