No More Mr. Nice Guy

I've almost had it! I mean things are bad enough with my personal life and then they pile it on at work. Today management sent out a memo stating that we are no longer allowed to make outside calls at work. In fact they went so far as to completely disable any outside calling ability on our phones. That was a low blow, but what was worse was the way they informed us. Usually our break is around 10 am or so, but today me and the guys went down to Tim's at 9:30, and when we came back at just after 10 Kev, our team leader was in our shop pinning up the memo. As soon as he saw us he almost ran out of the room. After we read what was going on and tried to get an explanation, all he would say was that we need to "direct all our questions to Mike" the manager. Of course Mike left for a vacation yesterday and wont be back till Tuesday, so we can't ask him.

Now it wasn't the fact that they are stopping us from making the calls that gets me so angry, it is their company, and if they want to prevent us from doing that, that is there business. Besides, we are there to do work not make calls. But that is besides the point. What gets me angry is they way they told us. There was no discussion about if any of us were making a lot of personal calls, there was no staff meeting, there was no discussion. Management made an arbitrary decision, and then tried to give it to us in a sneaky way. None of them had the balls to come up to us and say it face to face, they are all cowards, all of them, including the manager who waited until he was gone to post the memo.

All this tells me is that management does not respect us. They treated us like children. And yet they want us to respect them? They used to tell us that they wanted to boost morale, and then they do this. Well I've had it with this place. I'm so tired of the politics. I am honestly thinking about getting a new job. But before I go I am going to shake things up. I am going to see management pay for this. I will have their jobs. I have more dirt on them than they think. I kept my eyes and ears open, and I recorded everything. I have all the emails, and notes. They think that they are punishing us, all they did was awaken a sleeping giant.

Justice And Equality

Well this is probably going to be a hot topic, and most people are probably going to be upset with me when I state my opinion but I'm going to go ahead anyways.

First I want you to imagine a scenario. Imagine a man takes a new born child, perhaps no more than a few days old. He walks into a store washroom, and leaves the child in a toilet, then walks out. The child almost drowns if not for a store employee that came in on time. How do you view such a man. He is a monster, a devil, a criminal. Isn't that your impression? Wouldn't you want this horrible person punished to the full extent of the law?

Now imagine it is a woman. do you view her in the same light as the man. Well I do, but it seams as if I am in the minority. This exact same scenario happened earlier this week in Canada. All the news reports keep telling us that we should not be too harsh with her. That she was depressed, that she was a young mother, and not experienced, one even went to say that she was a victim. Now maybe i am being overly harsh but that is crap. We all know that taking a life is wrong, especially the life of a Innocent and defenceless infant. Now I realize of course that some may bring out the argument of post-partum depression, but I still do not feel that that is a excuse. There are many ways to deal with a child that a parent may not want, there are child services, foster homes, etc, etc. It is unnatural for anyone to want to harm a child, and I for one think that anyone who does whether man or woman should be severely punished. That is equality, that is justice.

Ancient History's Wedding

What is it? About 2 in the morning? Yeah about that. Sorry, I just came back from a wedding, and I am a little discombobulated, not drunk, but I am glad I went with a friend, because I am in no shape to drive. Anyways with that said I hope you will excuse any digression, or misspellings or otherwise in this post, but it is about the wedding that I want to talk about.

It is the wedding of a friend of mine, Danny. Now Danny is the brother of a very close friend of mine, probably the best friend I have ever had, Joe. Sadly, a few years ago, Joe was killed in a traffic accident, which I will discuss in another post. Well, when he died, Danny and i have kept in touch, and it was natural for him to invite me to his wedding.

Now the wedding itself was fine, I guess. Well to be honest, it was a little ostentatious, a little too much show, but hell, that is what they wanted, and really it is their day. I mean it is almost like they were showing off, with the lavish hall, having not only a photographer (which is normal) but also a videographer (although there is nothing wrong with that either), the smoke machine, the Rolls Royce, the video presentation, etc, etc, etc..... It was all a show, but like I said, that is not what I was going to talk about, besides, it is not my business how they plan their wedding.

What I did want to talk about was the people there. In a way it was almost a trip into the past. Most of the people I knew 5, 6 years ago were there. Christine, Rich, Anthony, K, Hallie, Marissa, Rosie, Angelo, all of them were there. It was weird seeing them all again. It was a real pleasure seeing some of them, catching up on what has happened, however seeing some of them brought back some real bad memories, like the night Joe died, or the Vespers, or after the Stripes concert, or The Beach, or the night of Nina's party, and so forth. Those were times that I thought I had left behind, times that I had hoped would never be called to mind again. And although none of them actually mentioned those times, I could tell they remembered them, and I could see those events clearly in my mind's eye, as if they were happening all afresh.

These people were all there when I was trying to change my life for the better, some of them helped, some stood in my way, but all of them were part of it. And so seeing them all brought back conflicting memories. Of course I never said that to any of them. I was quite the gentleman, I spoke to them all, and even exchanged numbers with some of them. What bothers me is will this bring me back to the past I have tried so hard to escape from? Will this hinder any progress I have made? Or could this trip back to the past help me along? I mean a lot of them have changed from the people they were before, but still the memories remain. At a time like this, where I need friends more than ever, I don't want to push any away, but can I afford to have these ones back, with all the history that comes with them? They know me better than anyone, and to be fair they never left me, it was I who left them in pursuit of redemption. It's a tricky question, leaving the past, or using it? I really don't know what to do.

The Difference

I was thinking about something today, the diference between men and women, the diference emotionaly that is. It's something that I have observed watching the various relationships of my friends and family. Now of course I may be way out in left field, but I think it makes sense.

The big diference is in how men and women relate to love. Women need to feel love, they nedd those little everyday reminders. They need to hear the words, have the little trinkets. It's not a bad thing, it's not selfiish, it's just how they deal with it, love needs to be an obvious thing, something that all can see. Men on the other hand see love. They can sit back and look at their family and know that they love him, it doesn't have to be vocalized, he sees it in they way they act. Of course this may look to some as him being detatched, but that is not true.

I guess you could break this down even further. Women are more public with their emotions, where as men are more private. Neither are wrong, they suit each one fine. Where the problem lies is the tendancy for one not to understand how the other deals.

Now like I said I may be way out there on this, and I probebly insulted everyone by saying it, but like I said that is what I have seen.

Batteries Charged

This has been without a doubt one of the best weekends I have had in a very long time. First there was the Brand New concert I spoke about in my last post, which was one of the greatest experiences I have ever had. Then on Sunday my Cousin gave birth to a healthy baby boy, Jordan, he's a cute little thing. Then on Monday a group of us went rock climbing. And to top it all off, I finally made it to the top of "The Finger" a climb that I haven't been able to do before, so that was good.

The best part of it all was that I had a good time with my friends. It was like old times again, we were able to talk freely. It wasn't awkward like it had been in times past, it was like we had never missed a beat, and for that I am thankful. I think the reason for this closeness all of a sudden is the fact that Tyrone is moving back out west in a few weeks. Don't get me wrong, I will miss him, he is a good guy, but in the long run I think it will be better for all of us. Tyrone has this tendency, well not so much a tendency but it's his nature to do the best for Tyrone and Tyrone alone. He is a fun guy, and he is welcoming to everyone, tries to include them and whatnot, but what ever we do it is what he wants. His natural charisma draws people to him, but if you don't agree with him, you become alienated. With him gone I think things may go back to the way it was before. And will still keep close, see each other now and then, but there will be a little space.

Still whatever happens in the next few weeks will be a bit more endurable.

The Rapture In The Music

Last night I went to the Brand New concert at Kool Haus. It was a life changing experience. Without a doubt it was the best show I have ever been to, and I have been to tons. It was emo in all its depressing, melancholic glory. I under stand if you think that listening to sad music may seem strange, but it actually is rather energising, uplifting even. It's hard to explain, but it is like knowing that someone else feels the same things you are, has been through the same difficulties, understands what you are thinking, and is poetic enough to transform it into song. It makes you feel as if you are not alone. That is why I like it so much.

I went to the show with A and J, Kay, Tim, Tyrone, and Kyle, the same old group, and it was good, it was like old times. Since all of us took the day off, we spent all day together, hanging out, talking like we used to. I missed those times, and it was great to have them back even if only for one night.

The show was awesome, the 2 opening bands were OK, I didn't catch their names though. Brand New put on the best set I had ever heard. They played for a good 2 hours and did a nice mix from all 3 albums, and even some unreleased demos. But what was truly memorable, was the finale song in the encore. It started out with Jesse (the lead singer for those who don't know) just strumming a few chords on his guitar, then the rest of the band came out and started playing. It was then that Jesse lept out in to the crowd, since i was at the rail in the centre, he ended up landing right on me. By the time he got back on stage everyone else, the 2 opening acts, the roadies, other people on stage had all came on, most of them brought drums from off stage and just started wailing, it was total chaos. The beat echoing over and over again, it was an orgy of sound, of pure emotion. It was almost a religious experience, every one, from the bands to the crowd was in a trance, moving, chanting to the music. It was rapture. It was a moment I will take with me for the rest of my life.

Martyrs And Ingrates

8 more weeks to go before I move into the new place. Frankly it can't come soon enough. I didn't think so at first, it was stressful when I found out that I had to move, because my aunt and uncle are selling the house that i live at now. But the events of the last few weeks have made me think that this move is really a blessing.

Don't get me wrong I love my family, but they can be a real pain. My aunt especially. The last few weeks she has been doing things around the house. Little things like packing my things during the day, or making lunches and stuff. Normally that is nice, someone helping out. And I am grateful for the help. But this is different. She'll help out but then complain about it after. She trys to be the martyr. It pisses me off. I never asked anyone for help, if i have to I'll do it all on my own I will.

But there in lies the trouble. If I tell them to leave me alone, I'm the bad guy. I'm the one who is ungrateful. It is a catch 22 and there is nothing I can do about it. I know it may sound wrong, but I am prepared to let her do all the work she wants, and all the complaining she wants afterward. I can just ignore it, and I get stuff done that needs to be done anyways. It'll be a pain but I can handle it for the next few weeks. And to hell with what other people think. Either they'll think of me as a moocher or an ingrate or whatever, which I don't care or They'll see through her attempt at being a martyr and see her for the attention craving insecure person that she really is.

Dreaming

The dream is back again. The same one as before. The one with the girl and the rifle in the forest. Its been a long time since I have had it, but the last 5 nights it has come back. Only it is different this time. It seams more vivid, more urgent, more clear. It is almost as if now, whatever it is that I am dreaming about has become more urgent, like it needs to be resolved, and soon.

Now I am not the type of person that beleives in omens or vissions. I don't beleive that my dreams are prophetic or anything. But I do beleive they are important. Dreams come from your subconscience mind, they are the visual sum of what you are thinking.

The thing is that I don't know what it is that is so important that I keep on dreaming about it. I wish I could just figure it out.

Fatherly Advice

I spent the day with my father today. Every one else was out at home, so why not, besides dad and I haven't spent much time together in a while. It was a pretty good afternoon, we worked on his car for a bit, had a couple of beers, typical guy stuff.

There was only one thing that bothered me. The strange thing is that it is something that shouldn't bother me. After we had finished up with the car, we were sitting around the garage and talking. I guess dad figured out that lately I haven't been doing so well, emotionally speaking. I have been in a depressed mood, and although I try to hide it, it probably isn't too hard to tell. At any rate dad figured it was prudent to give some advice about how to better my lot. It's what fathers do, right? I won't go in to the detail of what he advised, it was pretty typical stuff. That wasn't the problem. What was is my reaction to said advice. Frankly, I was angry. Not that I let it show, i never said a thing, but just let dad go on, and me saying "yes", "I know" "I will dad", etc, etc.... But still in side I was fuming.

I really don't know why. I think it was just that everything dad was saying was things I have already heard before, things that I have already tried. I mean dad had nothing but the best intentions, he was doing his best, and really his advice is sound. It's just that even though I am trying to put it in practice, and lately things haven't be going according to plan. So really I wasn't angry at my dad but rather at my self for not succeeding. Still I feel bad. My dad was giving me his best, and I scorned it. That is what is wrong with me, not taking important things at face value. I'll take my dad's advice, give it a shot, he means the best, and it is the least I can do.

Credit Limit

All this week we have been preparing for Accreditation at work. Well let me rephrase that, us lowly workers are are preparing. To be honest I'm not entirely sure what this accreditation is about. Basically from what I am told it is a document stating that our company meets some standards of this firm that credits companies. In the long run it really doesn't affect us one bit. Our working standards are exceedingly high, and we are the leaders in our industry. Besides it is not like we get anything out it. Our funding is set, and it's not like they would ever cut it. Hell even if they do we'd just go private, and it would make life much easier. However, this accreditation this is important to our bosses, mainly because of their pride. And so we all pitch in and work extra hard to get it. I really don't know why I am working all these extra hours, maybe I am just a nice guy, maybe it is a sense of duty, maybe it is...... well I don't know. But sometimes when something is important to someone else, even if it is meaningless or even hurtful to you, you help out because it is the right thing to do.

I've been thinking about that concept. I've been in this position so many times, helping others out even though it puts me in the deep. Does that make me a good person? Does it make me a bad person to say that I resent doing it? I've gotten tired of helping people out all the time with me never getting anything out of it. Call it selfish if you want, but it wears you out eventually, especially when if you need a hand there is never anyone around. Maybe I am selfish for saying it but it is how I feel. I'm a tired man, maybe next time I'll just say no.

Who am I kidding, it's just not me. I'll forever be the doormat, yet I'll always be there when they call. That's just who I am, even if I don't want it to be.

Call Of The Wild

I had a couple of chance encounters with nature in the city yesterday and today. Last night I came home late and as I pulled into the drive way I noticed some movement in the little garden on the side. I went to look and it was a wild rabbit scrounging around for food. Now usually rabbits are pretty skittish, but this one just stayed there. He let me get close enough to pet him for a bit. Since I had some popcorn left from the movie, I dumped it out for him to eat, he seamed to like it.

Today, I was taking a brake at work. Since it was such a nice day I went up to the roof to take my break. Although it may sound strange there is some grass up there. It's an old building and I guess over the years some dirt accumilated on the room and some grass and weeds started growing. Well as I was up there I saw that a family of ducks were rasing there family there. The picture of the mother is above.

It is interesting that in the city, where man has supplanted nature, it is still there. No matter what we throw at it, nature still survives. There is a lot to learn from it, but for now I'll just sit and enjoy it.

Climbing To New Hights

There is an awful lot of stuff going on in my head, with everything that is going on. It's been tough to deal with it all. I needed a brake from it so I called in sick at work today and decided to go rock climbing. If i want to think things through I usually go running, but this time I just wanted a break, I didn't want to think of anything at all. That is why I like climbing, every ounce of concentration goes in to the assent, you don't have time to think about your problems. It's just you against mother nature, and if you beat her game you are immensely rewarded.

It was a tough climb, but it was well worth all the effort. When I got to the top, the view was breathtaking. What was more important was the clarity of mind that came with it. The few hours that I didn't over think and analyze every little thing that was running in my head helped. I sat on the edge looking at the view and I finally got to put things in perspective.

I came to a few conclusions that I think were important for me to come to.

1) Not everyone who claims to be a friend is one.

2) Life doesn't wait for anyone.

3) Time and effort is precious, invest them wisely.

4) Not every thing is meant to be.

5) If there is something you want, go after it with everything you got, but if it doesn't work out, pack up and move on.

6) Count the cost, and know when to cut your losses.

All that form one climb. Now I have to figure out how to put them in practice in my life. Maybe I'll need to call in sick and go climbing again.