The Littlest Hobo

Does anyone remember the Littlest Hobo? I can't remember if it was just a Canadian show or what, but I used to watch it all the time when I was younger. I was downloading some songs and the theme song to the show came up and I started to think about the show. Basicaly it was about this dog, and he wandered around from town to town. Each episode he would meet new people, and help them one way or another. At the end of the episode when people were praising him, he would be gone, off to a new town, and new adventures. The song really summed up the song, one line goes "Maybe tomorow, I'll wanna settle down. Untill tomorow, the whole world is my home."

I was thinking about what a life that would be. Just keep moving on and on. Always getting in to new adventures, meeting new people, seeing new places. It wouldn't be that hard either. Well it would be hard, but it would be doable. Just like backpacking, through Europe. Take on odd jobs here and there.

OK maybe it is unreasonable. But the thought of it is apealing, at least to me. The sense of freedom, it is something I always dreamed of enjoying. This society is not free in the real sence of the word. We are all slaves in a way. Slaves to money, to decorum, to the dictation of societies rules. I know it is great to have all these fancy, luxuries, a computer with high speed access, a big TV, a nice car, a big house. But all these things cost, and they cost more than money. If we all lived a simple life, I think we would all be happier. If all I had was a place to lie my head at night, food to eat, and clothes on my back, and no wories, I would be very happy.

That's why the littlest hobo's life seems so rewarding, he has no wories, granted he is a dog, and a charecter on a TV show, but the point remains. He has those simple things. I guess I can't have that life, but I could always dream, and the hobo keeps that dream alive.

Good luck Hobo, where ever you are. One day you'll find home. Maybe one day I'll find it too.

Countdown

My living arrangments could be described as pretty good. I have my own place, and for a good price per month. But all that may be coming to an end, and even though some are bennifiting I will probebly get screwed again.

A while ago I came into some money through an inheratance. It wasn't a lot, but it was a good amount. This was around the time my parents were thinking of selling their place. I was still living at home at the time. I figured that I should invest the money somewhere, and since wanted to move out on my own, I would use the money and buy a small house, like a semi, and rent out the basement, maybe even get a roommate for the upstairs to help with the bills. So I told this to my family, and asked if they could help look for a place. My parents decided that they would sell their place, and buy a smaller house, enough for them and my brothers.

As I was looking I was presented an opritunity. A cousin was also looking to invest and he found a big place, that needed some work. The idea was that we would buy the house together, fix it up, rent it for a few years and sell for a big profit. Fixing it wasn't a problem, and we did stand to make a bit of money, especialy if we rented it out to help pay off some of the mortgage. What I was concerned about was that to rent it out I would have to rent the whole thing, I couldn't live there. That's when my aunt and uncle stepped in. They said I could rent out their basement, for as long as I want. Since my cousin already had a place, this would be a way for them to help us out. Besides it was a good deal, so we did it.

For the last 2 years it has been good. There has been no complaints from either of us. And since the tenants of the house were good, they signed an extention of their lease for 1 more year, just 3 weeks ago. Everything was good. But now all that changed.

Yesterday My aunt and uncle told me that they are going to sell their house. They then went on to tell me what they were planning on doing, most importantly that they were planning a big rec room and living room in their new basement. In other words a hint that they were moving andI was out on my own. Even worse, found out that they had already planed to move 2 months ago! That pisses me off, because I talked to them about weather I should extend the lease or not with my tenants. They said go right ahead.

So now I am screwed. If I didn't sign the lease, I could have sold the place, and got my share, and did what I wanted to. ( Since so far I made a good profit I would have bought a place of my own) But now I can't. I have to go out and find something else. And since they have already bought a place and have set a moving date, the count down begins.

It just bothers me that people, even family don't show any consideration.

Go Leafs Go

There is nothing like a hockey game to lift your spirits when you are feeling low. Yes it is just a temporary diversion, and doesn't do anything to solve problems but it takes your mind off a few things, and gives you that needed boost. And after the week I had I definitely needed a boost.

In Toronto the Maple Leafs are THE team. Yes we have the Blue Jays for baseball, the Raptors for Basketball, even the Argos for football (albeit, it is CFL) And each of those teams have there fan support, but nothing like what the Leafs get. There is a reason why they call us fans the Leafs Nation, you can go to some arenas when the leafs visit, and the cheers of Go Leafs Go, are much louder than anything the home town team fans make.

But enough about that, I was going to write about the evening I had. A friend of mine got 4 tickets for the game on Saturday. The company she works for has season tickets and they gave it to her as a gift for prformance or something. Anyways she invited me to go along. 2 other friends of mine were also able to score tickets in the section besides ours so we decided that we would all go together and have an evening of it.

We booked a taxi to go down and scedualed it to pick us up after the game, better safe tham sorry right. The night before I called for reservations at this restuarant, Joe Badali's. It's a nice Italian restuarant that I've been to before, it's informal, has good food, and most importatly, it is a 2 minute walk to the ACC. When I called they said that they wern't taking reservations but that they would put my name down and try to get us a spot. Well when we got down there they said that they were booked. I did my best bluff, that we had reservations, etc, etc, but to no avail. We were all kind of bummed, because none of us really wanted to eat at a hot dog stand. So I tried one last ditch effort. Canyon Creek, is another restuarant beside Joe's. It is a much more fancier, upscale place. Most of us were wearing Leaf jerseys which is not the decorum of that restaurant, but I asked if they had a table for 6. "Sorry we are all booked." the girl said. But then she called over the manager, and asked something, and he said OK. The girl said that there was a table, however it has been reserved for a group at 7:30 and we would have to be out by then. That was fine by us because the game started at 7:00. Well this was no ordinary table, it was the private room for "special guests". The wine selection was much better, instead of regular glasses it was all fine crystal, and it came with a complementary bottle of champagne! Needless to say diner was excellent and they got a huge tip.

It is a treat just to get to a game, but these seats were increadable. Platnum! We were 3 rows up from the ice, just at the the face off circle by the goal. It is an experiance all on it's own to see guys like Wellwood, Tucker, and off course the great Mats Sundin back after his injury. And to see them up close, even hear the chatter on the ice between players. It was also nice to know that the platnum seats are attatched to a corporate account, so everything we wanted, from drinks to food, to whatever, is charged to the company, and Michelle's boss said it was fine to use it.

All in all it was one of the best night's I had in, well too long to remember. It's a shame that the good times are interspaced by long stretches of bad, but they keep me going. Tomorow life will start again, at least I'll be a little fresher to handle it. Besides there is always the Leafs.

The Pursuit Of Happiness

This has been one hell of a week. All thanks to the events of last weekend. I will say that I did bring this upon myself, I knew I should have let the issue drop, K and I could go about our seperate lives and that would be that. But I had to find out where it went wrong, and I did not get the answer I intended to get. I am still trying to figure out what it all means. What is surprising is the funk that I have been in ever since I spoke to her. I've been so drained of energy. So moody. I'm not happy, and what is worse I can't feel happy for anyone or anything else, at least not this week.

Case in point, my brothers found out the other day that they got their aproval to go to South Africa for 2 months on an internship. It's been something they have been working to get for a while now. And yet, I don't feel happy for them. It's not that I am jelious, I'm not. I am very proud of them for getting it. But for some reason I just don't feel that happiness that I normaly would. The other day my brother A told me he and Kaly (this girl he is really interested in) tlaked and are now dating, officaly. Once again, I should feel happy for him, but I don't.

It bothers me that this is happening. I always feel good for others when they get some joyous news. Even if I am not involved, or even if it is at my expense. Once I liked this girl "Melissa". We went on a few dates, but nothing serious. After a few weeks, I found out that she was seeing my cousin, "Danny" Obviously Danny and me are not very close, in fact I really do not like the guy, he is an arogant punk, but that is besides the point. Even though I liked Melissa, and since she was seeing my cousin and it seamed pretty serious, I backed off. Andy you know what, I was truely happy for her. When they got married, I sent them a gift and yes I was happy for the both of them, they found happiness with each other, and I was glad. That's the way I am. (For the record Melissa didn't know Danny was my cousin at the time)

But this week, I just don't feel it. Maybe it is because these other joys, highlight the fact that there is really nothing good going on for me now. Maybe I am just reeling from the shock of what happened between K and me. I was really caught off guard. What ever it is I don't like it. I do want to be happy, even if it is for others. At least I got Leaf tickets for tomorow night. Maybe a little joy comming my way will snap me out of this funk.

Hate Me

Why? Why I went through with it I don't understand. I kept telling my self that I need closure, I need to understand where it went wrong. Yet all along a small nagging voice kept saying, leave it alone, there can be no good that comes out of this. I should of listened because now I feel, well I don't know how I should feel. I just know I don't feel well.

I went to talk to K this weekend. I've been trying to set it up for weeks now. To be honest I've been trying to work myself up to setting it up. I said before that I wanted closure, I wanted to find out where it all fell apart. I already posted about what happened (Wondering Why), but why it happened I never knew. So last week I called her up, it was the first time I heard her voice since she moved back in with her parents. I said that I needed to talk to her, and if she would like to go for coffee, on the weekend. She agreed. Even then I had my doubts about going, I even had the opritunity to cancel litteraly a few minutes before I left to meet her, but I went.

It started off with a bunch of small talk, how are things, what have you been up too, etc, etc, etc.... But then I asked the question, what happened between us? I wasn't readdy for what she said. She said that she just didn't feel anything for me anymore. Not in the sense that she just didn't love me, but that there was nothing there at all. K said that it just happened that one day she realized that even though we were dating, she felt the same attatchment to me as if I was one of her casual friends. Basicaly, it was nice to see me, but if she didn;t it would have been no real loss.

I still can't for the life of me understand that. How does a person not feel anything? I asked her if it was something else, maybe I did something. But K said that it wasn't, it just happened, and even she couldn't explain it. I've known K very well and I can tell she wasn't lying. But I don't understand how it can be the truth. There had to be something there. Physical intamacy aside, we had what I thought was a deep relationship, we shared things that casualy friends don't share, there was a deeper bond.

After all that I had to leave, I just said it was nice seeing her again, and left. But it has been running through my mind over and over again. I didn't want us to end like that. I wanted there to be peace in my mind, some tangable thing that I can reason on. I wanted a definate reason, not some esoteric mindlessness. We shared so much I wanted something to be left behind. I would rather she had hated me, than feel nothing. At least if K hated me for something I did, it would be something. But now there is nothing. All that time, energy, emotion that we shared added up to nothing in her eyes. I don't get it, and I dont think I ever will.

Maybe she just moved beyond me, maybe she had her closure. But there is none for me. If there was, than I could get her out of my head. But now.......

The Rolling Fog

I had to go to a meeting this evening, by the time it had finnished, it was already late in the evening. A thick fog had rolled in. I decided to go driving around in the fog. I know most people would think that I am a bit crazy, seeing that a thick fog can be dangerous to drive in, but I really like foggy weather. Everything seams unique. It gives a fresh apearence to everything, like it's a new world that you have never seen before, until it's right in front of you. All the troubles, the monotiny of the world, the worries of day to day life, it is all out of sight, masked by an all enveloping cloud. All that exists is you and what ever is in front of you. You get to live in the moment. Thats what I love about it.

While I was driving around, I was reminded about something that happened, well several years ago now. I was on a road trip with some friend. We were going to Cincinati Ohio. There is a theam park there and one day we decided that we'd take a weekend and go. Because we were only going for the weekend we decided to drive through the night so that we would arive in the morning to go to the park. There were 14 of us going, so we had to take 3 cars. Well we were making great time, and we had just crossed the state line into Ohio and it was only 2 in the morning. It was decided that since we were so early, we would stop at a truck stop and get some sleep for a couple of hours. Of course I couldn't sleep, and neither could a couple of the guys, "A", "J", "Danny" and "Andre". I had never really spent much time with them before, I mainly knew some of the other people. However while everyone else slept, the 5 of us sat a picnic table not to far away and started talking.

That was a great time, the 5 of us really got to know each other well, and we became best friends because of that. While we were talking a fog rolled in. It was the thickest fog I had ever seen. If I stretched my hand out in front of me I would not be able to see my fingers, we just sat there in silence watching it as it came in. It was like fingers inching towards us, enveloping is in it's grip. Everything glowed an eerie yellowish orange, that was because of the light posts, but still it was an eerily beautiful sight. We tried to walk back to the car but it was so dense that we got lost, we actualy almost walk on to the highway. But within a half hour or so it had thined out. Everyone in the car had slept through it.

I miss the guys. They have all moved on, got maried, a couple of them have kids, and now I rarely see them anymore. I guess that is also why I like the fog. I get lost in it, it takes me back to simpler times, times when I didn't have all these pressures, where I could just pick up and head off with my friends, where we were all together, even for just a few moments, moments that at least in my head will never end, as long as the fog comes in.

Stop Being Anxious

"On this account I say to you: Stop being anxious about your souls as to what you will eat or what you will drink, or about your bodies as to what you will wear. Does not the soul mean more than food, and the body than clothing? Observe intently the birds of heaven, because they do not sow seed or reap or gather into storehouses, still your heavenly father feeds them. Are you not worth more than they are? Who of you by being anxious can add one cubit to his life? Also, on the matter of clothing, why are you anxious? Take a lesson from the lillies of the field, how they are growing. They do not toil nor do they spin, but I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory was arrayed as one of these. If now, God thus clothes the vegitation of the field, which is here today and tomorow is thrown into the fire, will he not much rather cloth you, you with little faith? So never be anxious and say "what are we to eat?" or "what are we to drink?" or "what are we to put on?" For all these things the nations are eagerly pursuing. FOr your heavenly father knows you need all these things. Keep on then seeking first the kingdom and his rightiousness, and all these other things will be added to you." Matthew 6:25-33

I have known this scripture since I was a little boy, and it has always stayed in my head. And I know the truth behind these words. There were times when I was down and out. But dispite the hard times, I was always taken care of. I learnt not to sweat the little thing, a cliche yes, but it is true. If you put God first, and work hard, things will eventualy work out.

Which is why this is so hard. I am not suffering. I have a job, I have enough to eat, and wear. I am comfortable financialy. Emotionaly on the other hand! I have been hurt by betrayal more times than I can count. It seams that I am alone on this path. And I try to put it out of my mind. I don't want to be anxious over these things, but even though the physical things like food and clothes I never worry about, the other things like what is happening to me socialy weigh like a millsone around my neck. I do every thing I can to cast it off, but I am still sinking. I hope this is a test, and that it soon will be over. He knows I can't take much more. But I am still determined to slug it out for as long as it takes, maybe than even peace of mind will be added to me too.

_____________________________________________________

By the way one of the reasons this is weighing on my mind is that I am going to talk to "K" this weekend. I need to find out what happened, just so I can move on. I'll update after I talk to her.

Another Weekend Goes By

This was a very interesting weekend to say the least. It started off good, and ended, well akwardly. I guess it is just par for the course, seeing that everyday seems to have that mixture, but it still boggles my mind.

On Friday night my cousins "Ant" and "Zach" came to visit. In reality they came to stay over with my sister, but we all hung out. Ant and I have a close bond between us, well the last year or so there has been a close bond between us. It actualy coincided with the time he started to play hockey with us. I would go and pick him up to go play. It is surprising how much you get to know someone after driving with them for a while. Although we were cousins, we never really knew each other that well. By just shooting the breeze we started to realize that we are very similer, and go through the same stuff. Now we are the best of friends. Zach is younger, but he is a good kid, and he enjoys hanging out with us, and frankly he is as funny as hell, so it is always fun to have him around.

Anyways, they stayed over friday and saterday night. It wasn't anything major, friday we went to hockey as usual, then we ordered some take out and rented a couple of movies. Saterday, we went downtown for a bit, went to this indoor rock climbing place, went out for dinner and went to watch a movie (by the way Borat was absolutly hilarious). They went home sunday morning. All in all, it was a simple couple of days, but very enjoyable.

Sunday on the other hand was odd. A friend of mine wanted to have a bunch of our friends over, she invited me, but she wanted me to help her cook, because she didn't know what to make. Now I am not trying to brag, but I am a very good cook, I have always enjoyed cooking, mainly as a hobey. At home I was always helping my mom cook, (and she is exteamly good at it) and I always liked experimenting. But more on that anotherr time. So she had asked me to help, and I said yes. So I went over and well I'm not going to say I helped her, because really it was her that was helping me, LOL. We made a really nice meal.

The problem was when everyone came over. These were people I know, they are supposed to be my friends, but it didn't feel friendly last night. Of course they all gave her accolades on how nice the food was, which was fine, it was her night, and I wanted her to have the credit. Yet even though they were all warm with each other, it felt like I wasn't involved. I was part of the conversations, but only on the edge of them. Other than the perfunctory, "Hi, how are ya?" they never really spoke to me directly. I felt like I was just hovering around the conversations, and if I didn't join in on my own, I would never had said a word that night. Maybe I am just imagining it all, but I don't think so. I don't know why they have all cooled off with me. I know I said some things a few weeks ago that I probebly shouldn't have, about the New Brunswick incident, but what I said was the honest truth, and none of them have ever came up to me to speak about it. All I said was that I was hurt by what happened. I'm not going to make any judgements yet, I'll wait a little bit longer, it is starting to get tiresome. Weekends are supposed to be relaxing, and although it started that way, this drama took the wind out of my sails again. I don't think it is too much to ask that at least one weekend goes by that things go well. Maybe I will have to make some drastic changes before that will happen.

What Is Love?

I was reading a comment on another post, and someone said, "it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." That got me thinking, is that really true? I guess to answer that you have to ask what is love anyways? That is a very personal question. Love is different for each individual, so I can only speak of my own opinions formed by my experiences and philosophical musings in my life, so maybe what I am about to say may not apply to everyone, but to me it makes sense.

I think the band Nazareth was right when they sang, "love hurts"! (To be fair it was actually The Everly Brothers, and Roy Orbison back in 1960 that first sang this song, but Nazareth made it popular, however I digress) Love does hurt. When you love someone, truly love them, you accept them for who they are, imperfections and all. You unconditionally forgive them for the times they let you down. You look over their faults. You are willing to give up anything for their happiness. You would sacrifice anything just to see them smile. Even dying for them would be a pleasure and a privledge just so long as they are safe. To me that is exactly what love is, the willingness to endure pain, and to sacrifice just to be with them. It is a purly altruistic and selfless thing, and though sometimes it hurts, it is the greatest joy.

That in itself is a great experiance, one in which all people should feel, the idea of living, and posibly suffering for another. However, how many of us have been in love to that extent, and not have it returned? The disapointment, the depression, the feelings of nothingness when that happens is the greatest sorrow. I do not wish that upon anyone.

So the question remains, is it better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all? Perhaps. But I prefer to go beyond that. How much better is it to BE loved? To love someone and have them return it is what life is about. And you know what? I would rather be loved by someone, even if for only a moment and lose it forever, than to never have experianced it. Knowing that you love someone and they love you back is without doubt the greatest feeling. And yes when that love is over, when something comes between that, wheather it be death or distance or anything else, the pain of losing is tremendous. But the experiance, the knowledge that someone, even if for a short period of time was willing to go through the same pain as you would for them, makes the loss a little bit more bearable. Even though it is lost, that love will live on forever in your soul.

So yes, it is better to have loved, and be loved in return, and lose it all, than to never exeriance it at all.

The Best Of Times

As I reflect on my life, it is clear that the best times I have ever had was when I was with Heather. We were together for almost 6 years, and even though there was some horrible circumstanses in my life at the time, she was the one beacon of happiness. Heather was, no, she is and will always be the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.

Even now as I look back it still brings a sence of joy to me, especialy the story of how we got together in the first place. Back in the day, the story was "romanticized" quite a bit. But I am here to tell what really happened. We met in High School, the first day of grade 9 to be specific. Going to high school was a real change in my life, grade 8 started my transformation from a geeky kid, to, well at least being more socialy acceptable. "Saint" really took me under his wing and I started to be accepted by my peers. I was part of the clique in 8, and by going to high school I was getting a fresh new start, and I was on the right track. I had friends in all the right places, and it was because of that, hanging out with the popular crowd, that I got to meet some of the best people I would have in my life, especialy Heather. I had a crush on her from the moment I saw her, but of course I am a victim of timing. She already had a boyfriend, "Jason V". I'll be honest, I knew Jason V from before, andI never really liked him. In Jr high, he was in a different school, but was friends with some kids in mine. He used to pick on me mercilessly, and when I began to fit in he never accepted me, in fact he chastized everyone else for befriending me. Thank God, that the rest stood up for me in those trying times. Anyways, even though I did have a crush on Heather, and I did not like Jason V (and everyone knew both those things) I never got in between them. I'm not the type a person to put myself in between. I was just content to be friends with Heather. And so a whole year went by.

This is where the story goes in to the romantic myth. "Legend" has it that one weekend in the begining of grade 10, Heather and Jason V got into a fight, and he ended up hitting her. I found out about this the next day and was furious. I ended up finding Jason V, and confronting him about hitting Heather, this escalated into a fight, where I beat the crap out of him, even sending him to the hospital with a concussion. I became the chivalrous hero that came to Heather's insulted honour. Because of that she realized my love for her, and we became a couple.

Nice story, but it's not entierly true, although there is some bits of truth to it. What really happened was this. Heather and Jason V were always fighting about one thing or another, but he never hit her, in fact I wouldn't be surprised if she hit him a couple of times. Everybody knew about the constant fighting, I guess one day it got to much for Heather, and she broke up with Jason V. There is also a bit of truth to me fighting Jason V after they broke up, but I never went looking for him. What happened was a couple friends and me were walking through Dugan Park, and ran in to Jason V and some of his friends. Some altercation broke out between one of my friends and one of Jason's, and all of us ended up scraping, and yes whe we were fighting I did go after Jason. But the fight really only lasted a couple of minutes and was broken up.

As for Heather and I getting together, everyone knewI liked her, and after her and Jason broke up, our friends thought it would be a great idea to hook us up. When we would go out, they would conveniatly make Heather and I sit together, or go in the same car, and what not. I was happy just to spend time with her, and she knewI liked her. We got to know each other better, and in a matter of time we were an item. And so began my golden age.

The times we had together will alway stay with me. It's the joy that I hold on to. Even though those times are gone, I will always cherish them. I loved her, and I always will.

Not Just The Lack Of Sleep

God am I tired! Well not just tired, but compleatly exhausted. It seams like all my energy is slowly sapping away and I don't have a logical explanation for it. I have always had a difficult time getting to sleep, but that is not what is causing this lethargic state.

It used to be that I wouldn't get sleep because of the things I did. Night was when I came to life. Maybe because I tried to hide what I did from everyone else, maybe it was just the things I did, but I was always out at night. Parties, raves, clubs, even just hanging out with everyone, we would go out all night. In the dark we lived. Yes I was always tired the next day but it was ok, it was worth it.

In time that started to change, the changes I made in my life nessitated me to quit going to all those wild all nighters. I had thought I had matured. Instead it was evenings out with a few friends, or a girl. Then because of the person I am, I'd spend all night awake thinking about what happened. I always over think everything. That lack of sleep causes a lot of stess, but I am able to handle it.

Now it is diferent. There is no nights out partying. The evenings have grown fewer and father in between. I still spend nights thinking about what is going on in my life, about why I feel this weight pulling me down. The fact that I can't make it to the surface terifies me, and the thought of drowning in my own lonelyness keeps me up at night.

Even the nights when I do fall asleep are no comfort. It is a restless sleep, with tortured dreams. I wake up in the morning totaly exhausted, instead of fresh. There is no energy left. I struggle even to get up, my legs feel all sore and wobbley, like I have been running all night. That is the tiredness that haunts me. I am running on fumes, the low fuel light has been on for months, and I don't know how long I can keep going. I need to do something that will refresh me. In the early days, even though I stayed up all night, I was charged up. Now I am empty. It is this life, this monotonus dredgery, the sapping lonlyness, the grind of my minds depressing thoughts that is draining me. I need to get away, just a little vaccation where I can get away from this. I know this life will be here waiting, but I need to get away even if for a few hours. What is more I need to find a way to ditch it forever. Maybe then I can get some rest.