Distance

It's been a while since my last post, there really hasn't been much time to write. I'm just trying to savour the last couple of days before it all changes. Tyrone moved a couple of months back, but I never really thought that it would be the start of the end. A and J are moving on Tuesday, obstensably they are going for a year, but even they said that they may not come back if they get thier work visa extended. Tim is moving to Alberta in October and he definatly won't be back, and then Rich is going back to Seatle.

So that's it for my circle of friends, they are all moving on. I know that they are all in for a good time, even a better life to where they are going, but I just can't help but be sad because I am loseing everyone. I guess it would be worse if I didn't have Mel, or if I haven't planed my trip yet, but still a huge part of my life is leaving and I know things will never be the same again.

All of us have promised to keep in touch but I am not so nieve to believe that things will stay the way thing were. The distance will soon catch up to us, and we will start drifting further and further apart.

These last few days together, may not seam like much, but they will have to last, because in the end it is all we will have left.

The Workers

Why do some people think they are superior on the basis of their position?

Does a title alone merit respect?

Do those who work with their hands, deserve the scorn of others because of the sweat they pour upon the ground?

Is respect metted out based on caste?

Will things ever change for the workers?

We're the first ones to starve, the first ones to die, the first ones in line for that pie-in-the-sky. And we're always the last when the cream is shared out, for the worker is working when the fat cats about.

Biking Into The Sun

It almost killed me but I did it. Last weekend I biked over 250 KM's in under 36 hours. There was no real good reason to do it. One day a few months back it just poped into my head that this was something that i wanted to try. A chalenge against myself, to see if I could do it. To be fair I it was just a passing thought but a couple of weeks ago it still hadn't gone out of my head, so I decided to set a weekend and do it.



For the most part I was alone on it, most of the people I know arn't that into biking, and really I am not either, but I do enjoy it. I set the route by planing to bike north to Orangeville, then to Guelph, then on to Woodstock, where I would camp the night, from there to Paris, Brantford, Dundas then back home to Mississauga. I had a few freinds join my on the first stage to Orangville, but after that I was on my own, except for the overnight in Woodstock. Mel, A and J, and Kay, met me there and we camped in a farmers field, luckly he didn't mind when we asked and he even brought some chopped wood for us on his tractor for a bonfire.



It was a great chalenge, and it was important for me to do it. I proved to myself that I can do it. That is one step closer to me proving I can acomplish anything I want, that there is nothing stopping me. It also was envigorating to put myself through the ordeal. Overcoming the pain, the stress, the clock brought a strange joy. I know know that I want to

Going Down Swinging

We are all supposed to have a gift. What it is, who knows? Maybe it is hidden away, wrapped up and collecting dust in some closet, a part of all the junk and baggage we have collected in our lives. A dust bin of dreams and potential. I guess we throw out a lot of things that we don't know the value of until it is long gone. The void left behind is the worse part. Buildings abandoned years before have an eerie, serene beauty, but in the end they all rot and collapse into a pile of rubble. It is that mound on which we stand, no longer useful, but we fight to protect it nevertheless. Not to save the pile, but for the honour of the memory of what it once was. And isn't that the point? The memories are worth fighting for because that is all we really have left. Memories and hope. Hope that the glory of things lost long ago can rise from the ashes. Those embers have long died out, but the fight gives us glory. It is a suicide mission to be sure, we can never win that fight, but still we try, and maybe that is the gift we all have, a chance to go out fighting.

A Black Day

August 23, is fast approaching, the day that Joe died. Joe was one of my best friends, no he was more than that, he was my brother. Of all the people I’ve known, of all of the ones I lost through the years, his is the one that hurts the most. Partialy because I share the blame in the cause of his death, but also because of the guilt I feel in that what I am now is what he wanted, and the only reason why I have this all is because he died.

We were in it together right from the start, come hell or high water we were going to stick together. In the beginning all was well. Then that night came. Joe went to go see his brother. To this day I don’t know entirely what went on with them, but whatever happened was enough to change Joe. I was at Heather’s place at the time, really the 2 of us were doing nothing, just watching a movie. Joe came over on his bike (an old Yamaha that we all joked about) He was terribly upset, and he said he wanted to talk. I could tell just by looking at him what he wanted. He wanted out, and he wanted me to go with him. But I wasn’t ready to leave it all yet, besides I was busy with Heather and I didn’t have time to talk. I told him things would look differently in the morning and that we would talk then. He drove off, it was the last time I saw him alive. Later that evening a car ran into his motorcycle on the highway, he lost control and hit a telephone pole which killed him.

If I had only stayed and talked to him, he would never had been on the road that night. For a long time I blaimed myself. I know now it wasn’t my fault, there was a lot of events leading up to it, but the fact remains, I was a part of that chain, perhaps even that last link. When I pieced it all together, I knew I too had to leave, all Joe wanted was a better life for him and for me, it’s sad that he never got a chance.

So now I will do what I do every year on that day. I’ll go to his grave, and pour out a bottle of his favorite scotch, and just sit there and think, praying for forgiveness. It’s not much, but I’ll do this every year until I join him on the other side.

Buying Myself Out From Debt

Is it possible to buy back your soul?

The last 6 months or so, I've involved myself in a lot of volunteer work. Mainly dealing with my church, renovating some, building homes for those less fortunate, things like that. I chose to do this because I had this unspoken urge to do so. I've never been one to give money to charity. I've always been bothered by the fact that the vast majority of money that people give goes to the administration rather than for the ones that truely need it. I figured that since I had a skilled trade, I would much rather give my time and effort to help others. It has brought me great joy to do it.

This last weekend we were doing a huge reno job, compleatly restoring a house for a poor family. I had a great time working there, and I met some really great people. But some one asked me why it is that I was doing this. I gave the prefunctory answer that I'm doing it to give back. However I begain to think about that more and more durring the day.

I have done a lot of really bad things in my life, things that I am definatly not proud of, things that I need to pay for. Could it be in my quest to expunge the demons of my past, I have delved in to charity to pay for the things I have done? The more I think about it the more I feel that that is the case. But the question now arises can I ever really cover the costs of my sins?

And So It Begins

Well, it is official. Mel and I are finally a couple. Now it is true that in the last couple of weeks we have taken steps forward in our relationship. We've broken the ice as to how we feel about each other. We've discussed the issue about "K" and realized that it doesn't change anything, and neither of us will let it stand in our way. We even had a several "real" dates. But although the last few weeks saw us dating, it wasn't till yesterday that we became a couple, at least in my mind. Last night was the first time I kissed her.



To me at least, that first kiss is the beginning of our relationship. There is so much one can tell by it, and that kiss confirmed in my mind that this is the right thing. When most people think of a first kiss, they envision fireworks, mad passion. Frankly that is what I was expecting, but it wasn't what happened. When I kissed her, there was no fireworks. Rather it was a feeling I never anticipated, it was comfortable, like these were the lips I should have been kissing my entire life. I knew then that we made the right choice, in fact I actually regret not doing it earlier on.



Despite that, we did talk about it earlier today. Given our unique situation, I figured that we need to take things slow for the next little bit. I'm glad that we discussed this early on, because it is something that will come up sooner or later. We decided that this is about as intimate as we are going to get for a while. Sex just complicates things, and that is the last thing we want. The time will come when we will move on to that, but now it is more important that we begin our relationship by building a strong foundation. I've messed up a lot of things in my life, but this is one thing I need to get right.

Last Call Of The Wild

Well, I'm back again. I spent the last 9 days camping in Algonquin with the guys. Since Tyrone is headed back to BC next week, we decided that we wanted to do a rather ambitious trip, canoeing and portaging to a different site each night. I've done many trips like that before and the guys have always said they wanted to try it. So we planed to go up Canoe Lake to Potter Lake, going up Potter Cr. Which was in itself a arduous task. Most of the river was passable, but there were stages where we had to literally walk the river dragging the canoes with us, over tree falls and rapids. There was one point where the river went through a marsh and we got ate alive by the mosquitoes, ticks and spiders, it was hellish, but in the end enjoyable because we got to test ourselves in harsh conditions.

After that, instead of taking the more direct route, we made a detour to Timberwolf Lake, there by avoiding two long portages. Timberwolf, was such a beautiful spot to camp on, we made our camp on an island, and I am telling you I have never had a more peaceful sleep. The lake was so calm it was like the island was resting on a mirror. We stood out on the rocks at night and the stars were perfectly reflected on the lake, so that you couldn't tell what was real. It felt as if we were no longer on earth, but adrift among the heavens, never have I seen such a night.

We then made our way along Misty Lake (which has a significance all its own, but I'll tell that another time) to Rosebary Lake. This was one of the most difficult stage of the trip, because some of the portages were grown in, and we had to literally cut our way through bush so thick that you couldn't see though. At one point the brush had grown right to the level of the water creating an almost impassable barrier. Still though we pushed through, getting out of the canoe, and crawling through the underbrush. All of us was scourged by the branches and thorns, we all had cuts on our back from passing through, but in the end we made it. We didn't arrive to our camp sit till after the sun went down, and we were so tired that all we did was set up the tent, and eat a cup full of cold oatmeal and lake water before falling asleep. I hadn't even opened up my sleeping bag, I just used it as a pillow. Man were we sore the next morning.

From here we were able to get on to the Nipissing River, which was our goal. We spent a couple of days here, preparing for the decent down Allen Rapids. Shooting them was a harrowing experience. At first we were a little nervous about attempting them, Well I'll be honest, I was scared, but sometimes you just have to jump in feet first and damn the consequences. It was worth it. It was tough but we made it, and it was an experience of a life time. We camped that night at to top of High Falls. There is something eerie yet soothing about going to sleep listening to the hushed roar of water going over the falls. After that was the leisurely trip back, through Burntroot Lake, Lake La Muir, Big Trout Lake, and finally Burnt Island.

All in all it was an amazing trip, and we all had a great time. However, it was kind of sad in a way. Tyrone is headed back to BC, and then to where ever his wandering life leads him, although he says we will all keep in touch, we all realize that this may be the last time we see him for years and years. It is a shame, but I know Tyrone and he never stays for long in a particular area, and he never looks back, it is an interesting life, but one in which I could never live, or fully understand for that matter. J is moving this Sept to work out east for a year. Chances are he will come back and move out for good. We are very close, and I know we will stay close forever, visiting each other, calling and what not, but it just wont be the same. And although none of us have mentioned it, A will probably get married to Kay in a year or so, and no matter what people say that does change people, having a family does take away from the time you used to spend on your friends. So in a way this may probably be the last camping trip with the guys. It is unfortunate but I guess we can't fight time. In the end it is just one more sign telling me to move on. I never wanted these times to end, but at least it ended fittingly. If this is it, at least we went out with a bang.

Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want

Yeah I know that this is the title of an old Smith's song, and, well I might as well start this post off the same way. I haven't had a dream in a long time. It's so true, for years I have never had a dream, a goal that was solely my own. It hit me the other day. I've been living vicariously through others for far too long, especially through A and J. It always seams that I go along with what their dreams are, and trick myself into thinking that it is what I want. Now granted, by doing that i have done a lot of things that I would probably never have tried. They were the ones that got me hooked on rock climbing even though I was never interested in it before. But that is not the point. The point is that I was never really living my life, i was copying theirs, I I don't want that any more. I want to have my own thing, my own dreams again.

The Bible says that "if your eye makes you stumble tear it out" I think that the point of this statement is that at times you have to take drastic measures to fix the things in your life. I've mentioned before just how stressed out I've been at work, and I decided to do exactly that. I filled an application for a leave of absence, for 3 months. I've always wanted to travel, and I figure this is the time to do it. I've also decided to go it alone, to see the world on my own terms. I know it will be tough, and expensive, but it is something I need to do, and something I need to do alone, just so I can find myself. The time off is in December, and I still don't have any clue as to where i want to go. I've seen Europe so I want to try something else. I've always wanted to see Kenya and Egypt, so maybe that will be a start.

This may be the start of something big, but it is still a start, what happens form there, we'll have to wait and see.

Moving Day

Well here it is at last, moving day. Actually it's not so much a day but a week or so. I packed all of my stuff in to the truck on Saturday, and I got the keys to my new place yesterday, so for a while, I was sleeping on the floor. Even now, my new place is a mess because I have yet to unpack, but I'm not worried, I'm just going to take my time and get it right.

It's funny, at first I didn't want to move, as I had it pretty good where I was before, renting out my aunts basement. It was big, well furnished, and occasionally I just went upstairs for dinner. But here in the new place, I am completely alone, no family in walking distance, well my mom and dad are in the same city, but about a 10 min drive away. Anyways as I was saying, now that I have actually moved in, I like the fact that its just me. Don't get me wrong, I was very independent in the old place, but now, there is no one to check in on me. Fully emancipated, and I like it.

my posts will be erratic for a while because I don't have my router set up yet, but they will get back to normal soon.